A Small Case of Blackmail

Found within a number of files that were slated to be shredded, a reader had produced a peculiar letter threatening the T----- Corporation with blackmail. The T----- Corporation has graciously allowed us to reprint this letter under the condition that the location of the T----- store wherein these threats were made be excised from the text. Furthermore the T----- Corporation stresses that the threats made by the individual were never actually carried out, and that all T----- storefronts are safe from this individual's particular type of blackmail.

To T----- CEO Jim Ulrich:

My apologies for writing you directly sir, but sometimes you need to go straight to the top. I was unable to ascertain who the head of public relations for the corporation was, so I instead chose to write you directly. As an aside, the Corporation's website is both colorful and informative, yet lacks any direct links for whom to contact in any cases of blackmail.

Please do not be alarmed. There is no need to panic, as this is simply a small case of blackmail. There is no need to alert the authorities or the FBI or Homeland Security. They would probably laugh at you. If anything, I'm willing to bet that you could handle this yourself with nothing but a ballpoint pen and your T----- checkbook. Allow me to explain.

I am an employee of yours in the at the T----- store in , where I work in the Receiving Department. All materials that go into this branch of Target must first go through me. In many cases, overstock from our store is then shipped out to other nearby branches of T-----, and in some cases are then shipped across the country. For 32 hours a week, your fortune slides right through my fingers.

And I must warn you sir, I have become a disgruntled employee. And if I am not paid a few thousand of dollars (between $2,000 and 11,000) by the end of this week, I will unleash a devastating attack upon the T----- Corporation that will ruin your sales, stock value, and the chain's reputation entirely.

I was gruntled, once. I was grateful for the wages and the minimal insurance, and the frequent opportunities to give myself a hearty discount of five fingers. But as time went on (and with the addition of my new, more attentive manager Eli) I could feel my opportunities diminishing within T-----, and so I chose to better my situation with this audacious plan. I'm sure that in a few years you will be able to appreciate the deviousness of it all.

It is very simple. If I am not paid the monies that I am demanding (a few thousand dollars, between $3,000 and 11,000) then I will reveal to the media how I have tampered with hundreds of store items that have been sold from this very T----- store in <DELETED> and distributed all across the great state of <DELETED>. This threat will likely shatter consumer confidence in T-----, as well as send your stock prices plummeting to the bottom of the DOW Jones Market. The cost of recalls will skyrocket, and T----- Corporation will lose millions of dollars. On your watch. Millions more than the few thousand that I am asking for, I might add. You should keep that in mind.

Now, do not call the FDA. They would also laugh at you. The method of tampering I have engaged in is not of any of the generic foods or generic medicines sold in so many T----- stores. When I was a child I was once given a Twix bar with a razor blade in it, and I remain scarred from the experience. But not literally. No, my unique method of tampering is much less dangerous, yet remains as much of a threat to T----- as any other. What I have done is in my capacity in the receiving department I have secretly reopened a great many items as sold in T-----: cookware, furniture, audiovisual, luggage- and then resealed them after doing what I feel is an effective method of sabotage:

I have rubbed my testicles on hundreds of items in T-----.

Please, take a moment to open the shrink-wrapped cutting board I have included with this letter. Smell the lower center of the board. Can you smell a fetidness beyond the smell of the plastic? That is me, or more specifically: that is what my balls smell like. Would you want to slice red peppers on that? Or shiitake mushrooms? Perhaps you would like to cut some wedges of sharp cheddar cheese...atop my balls. Would you like the flavor of that? Would ANYBODY? I think not.

For the small price of a few thousand (between $3,000 and 12,000) dollars, I will provide you with a list of the many things that I have touched my testicles to. Well, in some cases I was pressed for time or Eli was looking over my shoulder so I had to transfer the testicle-ness to the object with my hand, but the threat remains the same!

Tell you what, find a copy of ISBN 978-0615165462. Page forty-two. Does that smell familiar? Perhaps there is an electric kettle waiting to be sold, or already been sold that has known my devious touch. Do you know the definition of the slang experession 'teabagging?' Look it up, and think about that. Would you ever drink Darjeeling again?

Or imagine a sweet little grandmother lovingly, carefully packing her bulky white granny panties into the wheeled suitcase that I had oh so carefully dragged my nutsack across the interior of. Is that the type of customer satisfaction that you look to give your customers? Do you truly want your definition of customer satisfaction to involve my balls?

I had tampered with a great many DVD's as well. Somewhere out there is a college kid who will purchase a five dollar copy of the special edition of T2: Judgment Day from the checkout lane, excitedly proclaiming "Can we get this mom? This movie's the BALLS!" After the story breaks, will he then cry ironic tears?

Mr Ulrich, you can stop this with a simple wave of your pen. Or swipe of your ATM card, as I now realize I would prefer cash. I only ask for a few thousand ($4,000 to 12,000) dollars and I will then provide you with a list of the products and their ISBN numbers so that you can sweep the whole thing under the rug. You can explain to the other CEO's as to how "Hey, it's just a few grand! I just saved us millions! We spend more than that on hookers and blow!" Or so I presume you do.

Please leave these few thousand ($4,000 to 13,000) dollars in cash. Hundreds, twenties, fifties, whatever you like. I've left an empty box for an Xbox 360 (don't ask, the answer will only upset you more) in the employee break room for you to fill. If you do not have this done by the end of this week, then the TV news is going to have a big new story to break on the 10 o'clock news leading off with this terrible sentence: "Tonight on the 10 o'clock news- why you may need to wash your new bicycle seat with bleach- saboteur places sweaty ballsack on hundreds of T----- items!"

And none of us want that.

Sincerely: anonymous.

P.S.- please allow this letter to also serve as my two week notice.

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