AMERICA'S NEXT CAPTAIN AMERICA!

After his stunning death in Captain America #25 (until they retcon it), the minds of fandom immediately turned to wondering when and how his replacement would come. Like Azrael to Batman, like Kyle Rayner to Hal Jordan, like those other four dudes to Superman, like Ben Reilly to Peter...er... Comic book fanboys knew it would just be a matter of time before someone new picked up the shield. (until they retcon it)

It was no foregone conclusion as to who would next wear the mantle of Captain America. Thousands of characters applied, both comic and otherwise. We here at Your Mom's Basement managed to get an inside look at the top ten of the many, many contenders to pick up the shield, and we bring you excerpts from their interviews.

NUMBER 10: RICK JONES! (circa 1963)

Con: poor dental care.

Why I should be the Next Captain America, by Rick Jones. Whoa, sorry! I felt like I was back in high school again for a second there. Or grade school, maybe. This is squaresville, dad. Hey, I don't think I'm the cat for this canary, if you dig where I'm coming from. Sure, I was Bucky for a little bit. That was just because ol' Cap needed me to help him shake the cobwebs up a little bit. Yeah, he had me sling the shield once or twice, but that was just for kicks! I killed a squirrel by accident. Boy, was Cap ever sore!

Listen buddy, Cap was Cap. You're not replacing him anytime soon, not unless the real Bucky comes back with a metal arm or something. And like that's gonna happen. I'll DIE before I even think about replacing Cap! So I gotta go splitsville, the Hulk is calling.

NUMBER 9: Georges Batroc!

Con: Is America ready for a Captain America with a mustache?

Batroc ze Lepair! Oui oui? Non? Non?! Zut alors! Pourquoi Batroc ze Lepair est non le new Capitain Les Estats-Unis? C'est possible Batroc, he would make, how you say...ze most formidable new Capitain Les Estats-Unis! Il est tres beau! Il est tres skeeled wit' ze savate, ze French form of les kickboxing! Batroc's moustache est magnifique! Who is you to say zat hees moustache is not the moustache of a Capitain of America? You Americans, so close-minded non? I weep at your pathetic...je ne sais quoi.

NUMBER 8: MATT SALINGER! (star of the Captain America made-for-TV movie)

Con: NERRRRRDS

Hi! I'm Matt Salinger, you might remember me as Burke from Revenge of the Nerds or from my many appearances on television or when I played the role... of Steve Rogers, Captain America.

And you might remember my dad, reclusive author JD Salinger, who penned us up the classic novel The Catcher in the Rye. So I think I'm uniquely qualified to understand American legends who disappear when their country needs them most.

When Captain America threw his mighty shield, I was there. When Cap stood firm against totalitarians, facists and phonies, I was there. When Captain America got drunk and cheated on mom, who was there to pick up the pieces?

No, it wasn't Reb Brown.

Remember, when you think about America, Salinger is as American as it gets.

NUMBER 7: PETER FONDA! (as 'Captain America' from the film Easy Rider)

Con: The drug test.

Oh wow. The colors. The colors man. The red and the white and the big blue, blue. You gotta love the colors man. I'm not really digging the chainlink...chain...aww, what's it called? Chainmail? Yeah, the chainmail. I'm not digging the chainmail, man. It feels like...heavy. It's constricting me. I'm gonna take this off, man. Live free or die, man!

Whoa, sorry I...I'm not ready for this. But see, I got the helmet! All painted up in that red, blue and blue. And blue...man, I should be Captain America because I AM Captain America! Not just because of that movie I did. I've seen this country far and wide man, I've seen every facet of this big bluetiful American Diamond we call Earth America. I'll fight injustice on my hog, just cruising through the backroads of this big nation of ours with me and my helmet and a whole lot of really good acid. What do you mean Cap doesn't do drugs, man? I am Captain America, and I'm ON a whole lotta drugs.

Blue. Aw man, wow.

NUMBER 6: MODOK!

Con: that ain't smoke

I, MODOK am best suited to become America's Next Captain America because I have changed my name to MODOC! As in 'Modified Organism Designed Only for to be Captain America!' APPROVE me or suffer my wrath!

The question of whether or not I can sling his mighty shield is moot! MOOT! My supreme mental powers is what shall cause criminals to yield, not this red white and blue discus! My stubby arms are irrelevant!

...and I shall need larger wings for my cowl! LARGER! Like unto the wings of an American Bald Eagle! I shall sever them myself, to show how TRULY I long to be the next Captain America!

NUMBER 5: AXEL "ACCESS" ASHER!

Con: complicated publication rights sue to the shared ownership with DC, complications due to his unabashed sucking
Why I should be the next Captain America: well, guess where I've been for the past ten years since my last appearance in the classic DC Vs. Marvel: All Access. You'll never guess. Go on. Guess. Why aren't you guessing?

Hey, screw you! I've been practicing for days with my very own training shield! Nobody can sling a shield like me! Except for the original Cap and maybe USAgent...oh, he is applying too. I didn't know that. I thought he was in Canada? Well listen, I get that maybe I'm not qualified to be the next Captain America. But with my contacts in the Distinguished Competition I can make all sorts of crossovers happen for you guys at the House of Ideas. BIG crossovers. If you want a slice of that big inter-company crossover cheddar, you come and talk to Access.

NUMBER 4: WOLVERIIIIINE!

Pro: he's the best there is at what he does

You wanna sell comics? Well I'm the best there is at what I do, and what I do is sell comic books. I'm in three or four monthly comics as is, what's another one? Alright scrubs, listen up, 'cause I don't want to have to waste more time jawin' with you than I have to. The ol' Canucklehead is going to be the new Captain America 'cause I'm the best there is at what I do. And what I do...isn't very pretty. If you need anymore reason than that, I got six adamantium ones for you right here. What? Come on now. I'm barely Canadian anyway.

NUMBER 3: BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS!

Con: is not a fictional character like Batroc or Matt Salinger are

Yeah, I think I should be Cap.
Really.
(No, really.)
Why?
I have always - always - believed in what this country stands for.
YOU KNOW THAT!
And I have intimate knowledge and respect for the Avengers, and the great teams that have defended this country (except Tigra. I guess there's always Tigra. Fleabag.).

In short --
(too late)
-- I'm your number one candidate for Cap.

NUMBER 2: USAGENT!

Pro: ..............has good teeth.

Yeah, so I think my prior job experience speaks for itself. So you know the suit will fit me at least! A ha...ha. So I've been Captain America twice now (I am counting my time as a New Invader, thank you) and served with distinction. What? ...well yes, I suppose I do define 'distinction' with wholesale manslaughter and abuse of force. What are you getting at?

Listen buddy, my parents were killed! Right before my eyes! Wouldn't you go a little...I will NOT calm down! Do you wanna GO? What, are you gonna cry? Do you want me to make you cry? All right, let's finish this thing. I said shut up! ...well I meant to say it. So I can throw the shield just about as well as Rogers did, but I have a lot of trouble getting it to actually, y'know. Bounce back to me. All the time. Sometimes it does, then it ends up...what? Do you want me to snap your clavicle?

NUMBER 1: THE WINTER SOLDIER!

Pro: has been handled for the most part entirely by Ed Brubaker, Brubaker being entirely awesome

Maybe I don't even wanna be the next Captain America. Ever think about that?