by Pete Goodrich

What I'd Like To Hoard

One hopes that when the zombies come and society as we know it inevitably breaks down, we would all react in the spirit of common brotherhood. We would reach deep, deep down inside and draw upon unforeseen reserves of human decency to protect and help one another stand strong against the plague of the unliving. And then when the government gets it's bearings, the armed forces will come together to scourge the zombies from the earth and then the healing can begin.

What I'm hoping for is that I'll have a chance to hoard some of the good shit before its too late. Folks, its great to think that when the shit comes down and the bodies start rising we'll all come together and all, but lets face it: if a bunch of able-bodied people won't give up a subway seat to a pregnant lady, we're not going to be sharing our batteries and multivitamins with any Joe Not-Zombie rolling during the apocalypse.

So when I get down to it, what am I going to hoard? Aside from the usual that is- I figure things like guns (with bullets!), bottled water, flashlights, canned foods, etc are all no-brainers. Basic survival items make sense. But what other stuff might come in handy? I've thought of a couple options. I will share this with you, as I figure when the apocalypse comes you won't be able to gank my list off the internet.

* Leather pants. 36 waist, 32 long. Why? Well, I figure the leather might make it harder for the zombies to bite into my tender leg flesh. Also, I figure that once the dead start walking and killing and eating my neighbors and all I might crap my pants a little. Maybe even once a day! Go ahead and judge now, but don't play like you won't shit yourself when some undead guy in a clown suit kills and eats your mailman. Okay, maybe just the first time it happens. At any rate: multiple pairs of pants will be good to have, as all uncontaminated water will have to go towards...you know. Drinking it. And if these pants offer a little extra protection: so much the better.

Snug and sexay

* Cyclone fence. It'll be difficult, but if possible I'd try to grab as much cyclone fence from Home Depot as I can get away with before the noise draws a large crowd of the undead to come eat my face. If I play my cards right and put up enough perimeter fences around some rich, dead guys phat mansion (for I will try and hole up in the nearest rich dead guys phat mansion) I like to think I'd be safe enough to start up a little garden outside. If I can steal enough cyclone fence of course.

* Cows. This is totally dependent on whether I have enough cyclone fence to secure a large enough grassy area. If I do, then I will hoard as many cows as I can get away with. I'll have milk and steak and jerky to last me as I wait for the godforsaken undead to rot to nothing. And perhaps I will manage to befriend my cows as well. No guarantees that I'll be in a position to save anybody other than myself. So I will have to make friends with the cows.

Be our friend.

* Breakfast Cereals. I just like the stuff is all. And I figure that as everyone else raiding the supermarket goes for the canned goods, I'll be able to sidle in and lift all of the Raisin Bran. Now, this is all contingent on whether I'll be able to get the cyclone fence and the cows. Cereal without milk, you say? Sure, I could eat the cereal dry. But I could also wipe my ass with my hands. Come on, now. Just because society as we know it has fallen does not mean we immediately become barbarians.

* Hammers. Imagine: some poor, heroic but doomed volunteer fireman is cornered in an alley. Four or five half-eaten zombies shamble towards him, intent on eating his head. His hands will be empty, and as he frantically presses back against that alley wall in abject terror, in the back of his mind he'll be really, really pissed off that I managed to steal every hammer in town. Sorry, random dude. Maybe you could have hoarded less of the Powerbars.

* Porn. Not just for me, but for bartering. Just the magazines of course, as since the electric company will likely be eaten by zombies there'll be no way to watch it on DVD. I figure I won't be the only cold and lonely dude in the zombie-filled night. With the right periodicals, I might be able to barter me some of those Powerbars I missed out on. And if all else fails, I can burn it for warmth.

This is not the cereal I mean

So if I manage to avoid being eaten long enough to hoard some goodies, I'll be pretty well set up for the lawless wasteland that post-zombie America will become. You may laugh, and you may mock; but me and my army of cows will laugh last as we feast upon delicious Life cereal behind our protective fences while you get chewed on by your Aunt Rita. I just hope that the cows overlook the leather pants.

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