by Pete Goodrich

Lets face it: I'm a thirtyish office drone who has just quit smoking after ten years, and has been out of shape for even longer. I'm chum. Zombie chum. I'm the guy that will be left behind with a twisted ankle plaintively begging my fellow survivors "Wait! Don't leave me! DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEEE!" ...I fully intend to let my voice trail off like that too, just to haunt their dreams a little. I am not above a guilt trip.

So yeah, I've got three, four, maybe more!- of the undead set to feast on my prone body. Escape is an impossibility as I am trapped beneath a tangle of their unfeeling limbs. How shall I handle this?

1) SCREAMING PLAINTIVELY

Perhaps like a little girl, perhaps just some guttural grunts of pain and shock. Man, I hope I go into shock. I'd make some futile attempts to defend myself with my outstretched arms and hands, but I suspect as they start to gnaw on my outstretched arms and hands I'll give that right up. I figure I may opt to pee myself, and perhaps shit myself as well. But hey, I will take some small solace (very, very small) in that I am not alone in this likely fate. Whether you're a 30ish office drone like myself or Nitro of the American Gladiators, having the flesh stripped from your arms by a pack of ravenous ghouls will make anyone crap themselves like an infant in the crib.

It is very hard to Google Image Search for American Gladiator Gemini

2) PRETEND I'M BRAVE

I like to think I'll have it in me to bust out some false bravado as they get me. Like Captain Rhodes, in Day of the Dead. "Choke on them!" he croaked, as they did presumably choke on his steaming guts. I admire that. He was able to reach down deep, deep into the very guts and nerve that they were eating and shout out a last defiant insult at his attackers. Perhaps I'll try that if (when.) my time comes. If I'm not too busy crying.

Captain Lunch

C) FAMILY TIES?

I wonder how it would be if I were to be attacked and devoured (whether partially or totally) by people that I know. Would the shock of my loved ones trying to eat me be enough to send me gibbering into insanity? Or would my natural, innate dislike of my extended family give me the strength to fight back, at least with words? "Fuck you, Aunt Clara! Argh! Fine, go ahead and eat my foot! I finally admit it you cow, I pissed in your ficus plant! It was I! Choke on my truth filled toes, you zombie bitch!" Oh, that'd be sweet. It might even make up for the being eaten, or at least take some of the sting out of it.

But I think that the best course of action would of course be: Do everything and anything in my power to avoid being eaten by zombies.

Ever since I first saw the original Dawn of the Dead in 1992, these are words that I have lived by. Not a day goes by when I don't stop and think about how to best avoid being devoured by the living dead. How to defend myself, what to defend myself with, lotting the best refuge, planning escape routes to said refuge, what items to hoard, what the best makeshift bludgeon is, and so on. I run the full gamut of ways to avoid a zombie-related death in my head on a daily basis, when on the subway, in the car, at rest or in line at CVS. I am constantly on guard.

Actually, not one of the best things to use in the event of a zombie attack.

You may say "Well, Pete. That's just a little bit of crazy." To which I say feh! If that's crazy, then you can lick my balls! Which is to say: I'm not hurting anyone in planning so.

If anything, one day my knowledge could save your very life. Furthermore, I'm not actually planning for when the zombies come. I don't actually live my life in fear that one day the dead will rise up and kill the living. No, these are just the idle thoughts of an overactive imagination that has been steeped in zombie lore- fiction, comics, movies- for as long as I can remember. It's just that when I'm on the subway, what am I going to let my mind wander off to? Thinking about work, or thinking about what the best makeshift zombie bludgeon might be? But please, I'm not mad. I do not actually believe that the zombies are actually coming for you or me or any of us.

But just in case, I have made some sensible plans for just such an event. Check back for updates.

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