You wanna make money in evil?!!! Sure, we all do! But how? What should you be buying... RIGHT NOW? YMB is here to tell you which evil corporations will be lining YOUR pocketbook and which ones will just be lining your coffin!

Extensive Enterprises

These guys have their fingers in everything. Military hardware, home construction, biochem, cloning. You name it, Extensive Enterprises does it. That diversity of product means they're set to ride out the lulls in any one industry.

And with the financial backing of Arbco Industries, there's little that Extensive can't do. Sure, the flashy twins who run Extensive get more press than the company sometimes, but just imagine if Virgin had two Bransons running it and you get an idea about how good Tomax and Xamot are for business.

And Extensive Enterprises' military ordinance has always been on the cutting edge, you might not think an army needs a giant, rolling jeep where the front splits in two, but Extensive thinks that the new STUN will be stunning the competition come January. And a giant robot suit that mind controls enemies into fighting for you? If the SNAKE's not forward thinking in the War on Terror, I don't know what is.

Big buy, here. Don't miss out.

Lexcorp

Sadly, this towering juggernaut of evil has fallen on hard times after 52 straight weeks of weak, ill-advised moves (a new Infinity Inc? Great call.) And now it seems ot be counting down to even worse times ahead.

Lexcorp has plummeted in terms of it's evil quotient, divested itself of ignominy, and sold off its shares of malevolence and seems lately to practice nothing more evil than the occasional 'shady real estate deal.' Once a major player in the field of Evil Business, Lexcorp is about as dated as the purple butterfly collar disgraced CEO and former President Lex Luthor has been sporting in recent photo ops. And what's with the tears, Mr. Luthor? There's no crying in Evil!

For God's sake man, you were once the Evil President of America! What the hell are you doing?

It's sad to see a giant of Evil fall on hard times, but it's even harder to lose money on it.

Always sell when the evil quotient falls under 34 EAPY.

Umbrella Corporation

Despite an outbreak of mindless genetically engineered killing machines at one of their satellite facilities early in the year, the Umbrella Corporation has made strong gains, and shows no sign of slowing down.

While their pharmaceutical and medical equipment research supply Umbrella with a solid foundation, the real star is its biological weapons development branch. It's a growth industry, but one few companies are prepared to get involved in due to potential ethical concerns (not to mention the high risk due to the occasional inevitable mishaps). Thankfully, the Umbrella Corporation refuses to let morality get in the way of profit and has emerged as a leader in the field.

BUY!

OCP

A solid DOWN to investing in OCP. Let's face it, they talk a good game but they're clearly incompetent. Top of the line cybernetics? Well sure, if you like cyborgs that either:

1) pull their own heads off
2) run amuck in an uncontrollable, bloody massacre
3) run amuck in an uncontrollable, bloody massacre of justice.

And when investing in Evil, the last thing you want is something that might suddenly develop a sense of heroism. Couple all of the above with OCP's utter failure to subjugate Detroit? No sale, OCP. No sale.

Wonka Chocolate

Here's what you've gotta know about Wonka... no labor costs. No union. None of that. Just a cheap, endless supply of slave labor. And we all know what slave labor means... slave labor equals "ca-ching"!

So this is a big buy right now. Wonka's outperforming all his competitors right now, Nestle, Slugworth, all of them. And he's always inventing new crap for kids to shove in their mouths.

And don't let that class action lawsuit that's on the horizon scare you, if kid's don't get that exploding bubble gum explodes, that's not Wonka's fault!

Roxxon Oil

Once a big player in the 80's, the 90's Evil Corporation boom blew this once-giant (and it's Evil Subsidiary the Brand Corporation) out of the water. Repeated efforts to use super-villainy to further the cause of natural fossil fuels proved fruitless, as the quality of super-villains were always subpar.

Let's face it, guys with metal whips and guys who shoot magma from their hands really only have very limited potential in the marketplace.

But, now with Bush II in the White House, look for Roxxon Oil to make huge leaps back into the energy game (who do you think met with Cheney's Energy Task force after all?) with new initiatives designed to reduce our country's reliance on fossil fuels- such as ETHANOR- the Ethanol Man! He Will Horrify Your Hybrids!

CAUTIOUS BUY. Our fingers are crossed.

Cyberdyne

Much like Roxxon, this property hasn't been a big player since the 80's. But unlike Roxxon, it seems like Cyberdyne isn't moving anywhere but down. Their last model was almost something special, but they didn't market it properly instead choosing to again focus on their older 84 edition. The phrase "one-trick pony" comes to mind, and considering how lame that pony really was in it's last appearance...well, you get the gist.

They never really recovered after their headquarters was attacked in the early 1990s. Apparently, they lost a lot of important data an proprietary equipment that day. Still, a huge government contract telecommunications networking contract is never that far out of reach.

But, for right now, SELL.

Weyland-Yutani

Weyland-Yutani could be a big mover. Rumors are that they're about to acquire something big, moving them out of the "world building" business, which, let's face it, is a pretty slow money maker with big start-up costs. Insiders are a buzz over a leaked internal memo:

"Will find suitable host. Likely Newt. -Burke"

Yep, it looks like W-Y is moving into the entertainment business. Acquiring a cable network, perhaps? A daily talk show, maybe? Hosted by Newt Gingrich? W-Y giving Fox News a run for its money?

Buy now while W-Y is still undervalued.

Soylent Corporation

With obesity concerns on the rise in the US, what better way to capitalize and profit on these concerns by investing in the Soylent Corporation? The kid-friendly (children love green!) squares are all the rage, low in cholesterol and high in protein. And they're people! They're made out of people!

And that's evil. But you know what would make the processed remains of the dead even more palatable to kids? Frosting packages. Or sour candy dip. Much as healthy oatmeal has been subverted to include frosting, corn-syrupy-sweet 'jams,' and even chocolate; one could do the same with Soylent Green. What's more evil than to fool people into thinking they're enjoying a healthy snack treat when they are in fact just fattening themselves with more and more sugar? And people!

Strongest UP to investing in Soylent Corporation! Soylent Green is PROFIT! BUY! BUY! BUY!

Edna's Edibles

What kind of monster would employ a girl who suffered from an eating disorder for a half and hour and another girl who clearly suffered from weight issues in a business selling food? None other than Edna Garrett, former housekeeper, matron, and now food entrepreneur. And with her delicious baked goods, she's got her hand on the pulse of every major business across the world. She's Martha Stewart, but with a less obvious, yet more insidious, evil.

Amazingly, all the most Evil Corporations in the world all stem from this one: Edna's Edibles. Who do you think invented the recipe for Soylent Green? Edna Garrett. Who is the muse of billionaire super-villain and industrialist Lex Luthor? Blair Warner. What emotionless, blank personality were the killer robots and cyborgs of both Cyberdyne and OCP based on? Jo. What inspired Extensive Enterprises' POGO attack craft? Tootie's exuberance.

If you can get your hands on this stock, buy it.

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