by Pete and EdC

Hail, and well met fellow geeks! We are sure that you are hating this day of days, much as we once did. Valentine's Day. The day of the pity valentine. "Make sure everybody gets a valentine, we don't want anybody feeling left out!" Yeah, that was a self-esteem builder. Or those lonely nights in your college lounge where you and the guys watched couples leave and return from their dates, as you fellows played one long, lonely game of Magic The Gathering. Or now, a lonely night spent with graphic novels, online porn, and microwaved burritos. Lonely, beef and green chile burritos.

Say goodbye to all of that! We here in the Basement have been where you are. We can help you out. It's not too late! We cover all the bases you will need help with to break that Valentine's Day dry spell... the dry spell of many, many years. So sit back and get ready for some learning, as you're about to learn up a storm from the Geek's Guide to Valentine's Day!

Meeting a Girl Online

The first step in this process is to verify that she is, in fact, a girl. Remember that time you joined the Microsoft .Net user forum with a girl's name because you figured (rightfully so) that it would get your questions answered faster?

Well, it's quite possible that the girl you have been wooing online may not actually be a girl. So, the first thing to do is determine if she is, indeed, a girl.

There are a few ways to go about this.

The first is to ask her via private message about the movie "Grease." All women are biologically pre-disposed to like the movie "Grease." If she cannot name three characters from the film, this should be a red flag.

The second way is to ask her the following question: 'arlogh Qoylu'pu'?

If she can answer you, it should be another red flag! Most real girls cannot speak Klingon!

Third, and finally, ask her "What did you think of John Byrne's Fantastic Four run?"

It's a trick question! Real girls have no opinion on John Byrne!

Certainly there are exception to every rule, some girls don't like Grease. They might like Top Gun. Or The Princess Bride. Or books. There might be a girl who does speak Klingon. There's possibly even a girl out there who really likes John Byrne (there isn't, but keep your illusions if you must). So, use the rules in tandem with each other. Two or more red flags? Block their PMs and find another lady-friend.

Meeting a Girl Offline

So, you've seen a girl offline that you fancy? How do you get her to notice you?

The trick is you've got to be where she's going to be. It's the only way she'll notice you. Remember: she can't notice how cool and clever you are if you're not there.

First, you need to create a map of her daily movements. One or two days of following her around should be all you need to establish her daily routines. Map them out, with times and other pertinent details. Google Maps can help with this, plus the satellite aerial view looks really neat.

Second, make sure you're there whenever she's there. The best places to get noticed are places like Starbucks, a bank line, or an alley she passes by. But, always remember, play it cool. These "engineered coincidences" will be seen as either "fateful" or "creepy" depending on how you handle it.

Third, make sure you're doing something "cool" when she notices you. Be reading a cool, semi-pretentious book. The Fountainhead. Fahrenheit 451. 1984. The Metamorphosis. Remember: if she can't see the cover, she won't know the book is cool! So hold it up high as you "read". Another possibility is to be involved in some kind of "physical activity". Don't worry, you don't have to actually exercise, with the right clothes and equipment you can make it look like you just finished "mountain biking" or "jogging". Please note: you will need a bicycle in order to make it look like you just finished "mountain biking".

How to Get a Date

This is a large stumbling block for the average geek, but never fear! We will walk you through it.

One thing you may want to consider is your own self-image. You have to be comfortable in your own skin if you plan to woo a lady. Comb that hair, use some eye drops. How are you dressed? Dirty Adidas, a black dragon t-shirt, gray sweatpants? That will never do. Put on actual pants, and add a snappy suit jacket. Now instead of looking 'scrubby' you're a 'hipster!' That will increase your chances of scoring a date by at least 35%! Now, roll for THACO.

So, now that you're ready, think about where and how you're going to find a girl. Some women go for the direct, forward approach. But it's hard to tell which girls are into that sort of thing. We do not recommend that you wander around aimlessly, asking random women if they want to go get a burrito and then see the newest Tony Jaa movie. We had very little luck with that approach, but, as we're both over thirty, your mileage may vary.

So you should try and ask out someone that you have a pre-existing connection with. Do you know any available females? Or do you only know available females who "don't like you in that way?" Perhaps a classmate or a co-worker? Well, give up on that. No matter how many uncommon MTG cards you leave in their desks, your chances of them reconsidering is slim to none.

Buying a Gift for a Girl.

If you have a Valentine's Day date set up with a girl, it is appropriate to bring a gift.

Wait. Stop right there.

We know what you're thinking.

You're thinking those two words that pop into every geek's mind at the thought of buying a gift for someone else.

But we're telling you, right here, right now, do not go to Best Buy.

Just don't.

Trust us.

There are other, more appropriate places to shop and more appropriate gifts to buy. Please refer to this handy guide:

You've only been dating a few weeks: Flowers.

You have two options here. Bring her flowers on the date (something nice, you can probably even find something at your local grocery store) or send the flowers to her work during the day. Not an appropriate move before a first date, but after that? You're going to look smoother than Lando Calrissian.

You've been dating a few months: Candles or lotions.
There's a store in the mall called Bath & Body Works. It's usually not far from the EB Games. Just pause for a second before heading in to the EB to see if they have Wiimotes and look around real quick. You should see it. Go in and repeat the following to one of the women working inside (write it down if you need to): "Hello. My name is ______. I need to buy some lotion or candles for (only use one) my girlfriend/date/companion/Real Doll. What would you recommend?" The store employee will take it from there.

You've been dating less than a year: Clothing.
DO NOT BUY HER A T-SHIRT. We don't care how cool looking the Jack Sparrow shirt is or how much she likes Legolas. If you find yourself shopping for clothes for her in a Hot Topic, leave immediately and go to a real clothing store. The real clothing stores are the ones with names like "Macy's" or "JCPenney" or "Lord & Taylor." The mall directory will show you where they are.

You've been dating more than a year: Jewelry.

Get a necklace. Possibly a bracelet. No Green lantern rings. No Bat-symbol earrings. No Harry Potter themed jewelry. No Lord of the Rings themed jewelry. Get the nicest real gemstone you can afford. Maybe it won't be as "impressive" as a larger fake, but there's no recovery from being found out after trying to pass off a fake. "Oh, yeah, cubic zirconium... they call those 'science diamonds'. They're really cool." One final tip: there's no such thing as "champagne diamonds", those are just shitty looking regular diamonds.

UNACCEPTABLE VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS

Graphic novels: Again: not an acceptable gift for Valentine's Day. Perhaps for Christmas or her birthday, but even then you'd better match up those Buffy trades with some roses or something else. Just graphic novels (or digests, or TPBs) is a little much to lead off with. Perhaps a nice box of chocolates? But if you get her the chocolates (we recommend the Whitman's Sampler) you definitely can't get her the comics as she might get chocolate fingerprints all over the pages. Plan ahead!

Video Games: You want to have plenty of face time with your lady, and as much fun as it might be to rock a long, romantic game of Counterstrike with her... let's face it. Video gaming is too impersonal a way to date.

Also, if she gets too into it, that will cut into your World of Warcraft time. Think about it. You have a dwarf to level up.

Knives or Swords: Nothing says "I love you" like flowers or diamonds. Nothing says "I'm going to stalk you for a little bit, before I stab you forty-two times" like the gift of an edged weapon. And that's even if she admits to enjoying 2/3 of the LotR trilogy. Unless she's a goth, which means daggers only. No axes!

Action Figures: Lets face it. You receive mockery from everyone for buying them. Your parents, your co-workers, your friends, your geek friends... there's no way that a girl will want an action figure for Valentine's Day. You should still buy them for yourself, but get her that Whitman's Sampler. If you go to the right drugstore you can get her the candy, and maybe find some Justice League Unlimited figures! Win win!

Gift Cards or Cash: No. At least attempt to make an effort. And if you get her a gift card to Best Buy... we will hunt you down.

Now, we hear you, we hear you, "My girlfriend's a geek, too! Take your 'rules' and shove them up your ass!" But we're telling you, for Valentine's Day, no girl, no matter how geeky, would rather get a Naruto headband over a dozen of roses. There's plenty of other holidays to buy her that 12 inch Sideshow Legolas.

How to Woo a Woman

Woo, Definition: Acclaimed Chinese film director, revered for his Hong Kong films such as "Hard Boiled" and "The Killer", also known for his lesser US films such as "Hard Target" and "Windtalkers". You do not want to John Woo your lady-friend. Ha ha, that would require quite a lot of slow motion midair gun acrobatics! No, this task is more difficult than avoiding a barrage of Triad bullets. This task involves the human heart. And not shooting at it either!

So you're on your date with the lady and you want to make a good impression on her. What to do? How shall you make her see your inner beauty? Some would have you say that the best way to open a girl's heart would be to listen to her. Take a genuine interest in her life and her history, and ask a lot of questions. So there's a solid "in", and you might just learn something too!

Another thing that impresses a woman is self-confidence. Do you have any? You should! And remember, fair's fair. You listened to her blather on about her education degree and her breast cancer walk and her American Idol tryout...blah blah blah blah blah! Now it's your time to shine! She'll be sure to be impressed by the size of your comic book collection. Be sure to tell her how many long, lonely hours you spent bagging them... and how you could still use some help! And that time you did forty points of damage by the fourth round in that Magic Tournament? You won fifty bucks that afternoon! Now she'll know you're a man of means.

Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. She'll appreciate your honesty. And if you're honest with her about yourself, you'll open all sorts of doors... to romance?

Take Her Someplace Nice

You need to eat, of course, as protein will be necessary for all of the lovemaking you will soon be doing. (Think positive!) But in choosing where to date your lady, there are two things to keep in mind: Conversation or Activity? You must pick one or the other to focus on for an optimal date. Not every potential place of dining can meet both, save for perhaps a Chuck E. Cheese's. We of course, recommend taking her to Chuck E. Cheese's. Not only will you be able to wow her with your Dance Dance Revolution moves (if you have any), but they will also have pizza. And of course, an outside chance of romance in the ball crawl. Another perk of taking her to Chuck E. Cheese's is that the close proximity to children of many ages will show her that you're open to the possibility of having kids, which all women really go for. It's not a bad idea to get that out in the open, especially on a first date. "WOW, I really can't wait to have kids!" Say it often! What could it hurt?

Now, say there is no Chuck E. Cheese's available. That's fine! There might be a Dave & Busters, a Jeepers, or some sort of similar venue that features games, drink, and pizza. Choose a venue such as that, so that your natural abilities will shine. She might want to go to a fancy French restaurant, but shy away from that! All you have going for you is your Batroc Ze Lepair impression, and that's not going to get you very far. At least, not when there's actual Frenchmen about.

SUGGESTION: Have a backup plan! She's not into the Renaissance Faire? Even though it's only open for one last weekend? Well just swallow your discomfort and move onto plan B! Hmm? She doesn't want to go to the Planetarium for the James Bond theme music laser show? When else are you going to get to hear Nobody Does It Better...in laser? Never mind! Plan C! ...so she's not interested in the robot exhibit at the museum of science? Well, maybe this girl isn't the one for you.

SUGGESTION: Your date wants you to select a wine. Reply in your best Dracula impression "I never drink... wine" If she gets it, it means that you can share your love for Gene Colan and Marv Wolfman's seminal Tomb of Dracula. She has no idea what that is? ...you may have made a fatal error.

If she does not get your seventy-year-old film reference, try and play it off as if you were straight edge, which will make you look even cooler in her eyes.

The Soft Parts: How To Survive In Their Presence

Here's a vital tip: GIRLS LIKE EYE CONTACT. It's true! The real world is nothing like the Britney Spears screencaps/FHM spreads/Jim Balent comics you ogle in the safety of your mancave. No, in the real world you are not given the same time in which to ogle the subject of your sweaty little desires. If you fail to meet a girl's eyes, and focus instead clearly upon their heaving bosoms: DATE OVER.

Girls Like Eye Contact. Here's a helpful acrostic to keep you on the straight and narrow:

Green
Lantern
Exudes
Cool.

Because he does. Well, Kyle Rayner did before he went all Ion on us. What the heck is that? After all, Hal Jordan is very smooth with the ladies, yes? He is cool. On your date, you want to be like Green Lantern: Exude Cool.

The Long Walk Back to the Car

Dating can be a nerve-racking thing. Women have feminine wiles and long hair. And the Valentine's Day date can be particularly daunting. But as long as you remember to be the best, most perfect version of yourself at all times, you'll do just fine.

Just don't forget to set your TiVo to record "Lost"!

Read The Geek's Guide to Appropriate Online Interactions.



Discuss this article in our forum.