by Pete and EdC

The Importance of Being... You

Do you know who Louis Lane is? Louis Lane is the never used 'real' name of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. If you are familiar with CBG (and you should be) then you should recognize him not as a grotesque parody of the much maligned 'fanboy,' but instead recognize him as an example of everything that you want to be!

He is indeed fat and slovenly, and does draw the ire and contempt of all who should venture into his path. But in the comic shop, he is lord of all that he surveys, none can topple him from his mighty throne within his lair. And in cyberspace, he is still a force to be reckoned with, not unlike Mjolnir, the mighty hammer of Thor! His sarcasm is both his armor and his sword. His knowledge of all things..."cult" is unparalleled! His court is the internet, his keyboard Excalibur, and undoubtedly his internet messageboard is his kingdom! Which is what you gentle reader/true believer should strive for!

You have a gospel to preach, Brother Geek! And it is full of the good works and mildy amusing pop culture references collected over a lifetime devoted to the pursuit of collecting and preserving that which the rabble would deem trash! The comic book! The b-movie! The child's cartoon! The toy line that ties in with said child's cartoon! You have a destiny! And those around you (virtually around you), must be made to know that you are clever, you are wise, and that you have better stuff than them! Here's how to do it...

Excelsior!

Marking Your Territory

Joining an Online Community
Find an online community that reflects your interests. And has chicks. Preferably hot chicks.

First!
Ah, the foolish loser who posts "First!" in a new thread. Is there anyone lower on a messageboard heirarchy than someone so desperate for attention that they feel the need to simply post that they were first to see a new thread, but have nothing of substance to contribute?

And yet... You are the first one to see this brand new, shiny thread... Might not a permanenet record of your quickness, attentiveness, and commitment to the site be in order? Try this: post first but do it with a hip, ironic detachment. Any of the following should work...

"First! Just kidding! "

"Don't you hate people who post first in a thread? "

"Second! Oops, I mean... "

It's the winking emoticon that makes it hip and ironic. Use the winking emoticon whenever you feel the need to act like a pathetic loser, but don't want others to think you are pathetic. Now you've acknowledged that yes, indeed, you were first, but you certainly aren't a loser.

Selecting Your Arch-Nemesis
It's important once you join a site to choose a fellow site member to be your arch-nemesis. This will be the person who you track on the site and try to post as quickly as you can after, always contradicting everything he or she says. Now, you can just select an arch-nemesis at random but you'll be more rewarded if you give it a little bit of time and effort and wait for just the right person. Post a few outrageous things on the messageboard and see if anyone bites. Try any of the following:

"Phantom Menace was a very good children's film and a fitting introduction to the eventual Star Wars Hexology."
"Deep Space Nine sucked. And all of those DS9 space station rip-offs sucked, too. So did Stargate SG-1."
"I heard that Wolverine is gay."
"Why is everyone on this message board so lame?"

Now whoever responds first or the most vehemently, that's who you choose as your arch-nemesis.

For some may disagree with your assessment that Darth Maul would totally kick Darth Vader's ass. But they are fools, and are to be treated as such. While observing the rules of whichever messageboard you are posting on, belittle his character and challenge his intelligence as subtly as possible. Don't forget the smileys! Smileys are your friend. Use them liberally so as not to appear as anything but reasonable and just, or worst of all as a troll.

Harass your arch-nemesis at every turn. Never forget that he is wrong, and will not be in the right until he bows to your every comment. Or leaves the board. Either way, you've got the Golden Sneech my friend! Your opposite number is out there somewhere, waiting to take a verbal beating from you! Go find them!

DoubleThink On Your Toes
Hypocrisy. Contradiction. Redundancy. Double standards. These are hurtful words. Never acknowledge them. Unless of course you are using them against somebody else (see Dealing With Online Conflict for more.) The word to keep in mind is doublethink. Taken from Orwell's 1984 (which you need not have read, just claim you saw a reference in the Invisibles or something similar) the meaning of the word is essentially "to think one thing while acknowledging another." And that is what you must do to offer your own special brand of Geek commentary.

Dealing with Online Conflict: Go for The Grammar
You're in a heated Internet debate with SmurfBamfer492 about whether or not Spawn does, in fact, suck. You've been defending ol' Spawnie brilliantly up until now, but SmurfBamfer492 just made a really good point that you have no response to. What do you do? Well, turns out that SmurfBamfer492 misspelled Todd McFarlane's name in his/her/its last post. Try the following response: "I don't know why I'm even bothering to try to have this conversation with you, if you can't even spell Mr. McFarlane's name correctly (it's Todd with two 'd's, moron, not one). You clearly don't know what you're talking about." Consider that debate won, champ!

A copy of Strunk and White's guide to writing comes in handy as well. A link to Thesaurus.com would help in well. To challenge the average poster on the basis of their general writing ability can also undermine their entire online persona! And once that is done, you're on easy street when this ignorant boob tries to challenge you or your thoughts! Bear in mind, they may try to defend themselves by noting that this messageboard is not graded on either grammar, syntax or spelling.

Explain Away Your "Favorites"
I have a bad feeling about this...

Someone has found the "favorites" list you keep on Internet Explorer. No, not the one for good collectible stores... the other one. The one full of links to Star Trek porn sites.

Maybe it was your girlfriend... Maybe it was your best friend... Maybe it was your stupid little sister, snooping around your room again and using your computer to do her stupid history report even though you've told her not to and even though your parent's gave her your old computer so she would leave your new one alone...

Your immediate, best solution (as long as its a younger sibling) is bribery. But woe is you, you spent your last bit of money on that Wolverine statue! You have no money with which to bribe! The little rat will tell someone... it's only a matter of time... Will she tell your girlfriend? Your best friend? Or will she tell your mother and father over dinner one night when your father turns his attention to the history report she got a "C" on for not having done any research for?

What to do now? The secret is out. Well, you have two options:

1) Claim the links are a joke and you only maintain them for their kitsch value. You're a hip, ironic, modern youth. Of course you understand that porn degrades women! You don't look at porn for it's titillation value, you look at it it for its kitsch value! Some of those sites are full of ironic funniness! Hey, maybe someday you're planning on opening a pop culture/kitshc museum or store. The link to a garage kit resin model of a naked Jadzia Dax would sure come in handy then! Those judegemental bastards have no idea if you are or not. How dare they make assumptions about your character!

2) Your second option is a trickier, but more rewarding, lie, but most likely won't work on family members. Say that your porn links are for a research paper you're writing for your graduate program. This lie requires that you are either in a graduate program or that you can convincingly lie about being in one or lie about having serious plans to get into one. This lie has two benefits: first it makes you an academic hero of sorts. Not only do you understand that porn is degrading to women, but you have every intention of exposing it in your graduate thesis. A paper sure to take the academic world by storm and be read by at least two or three people (assuming your thesis committe actually reads it and doesn't just sign off on it because they're busy)! The second benefit being that it can help explain away the more weird parts of your collection: while you're planing on covering porn in general, you're going to focus specifically on Star Trek: The Next Generation porn. Specifically porn that includes scenes with hot, red-headed, older female doctors. Yum! I mean... um... see, how in this image the woman goes off frame, fragmenting the female form, objectifying her in parts and not allowing her to be seen as a whole, complete woman?

I Watch Films, Not Movies, Dumbass

Adaptations/Remakes/Sequels
The Online Geek is always wary of these 3 categories, for a myriad of reasons. There are many subtleties to be observed as well. These three categories deal exclusively with movies, but relate to other forms of geek knowledge which you must of course know all about, inside and out.

Adaptations
Try this out: "The original (book, comic book, video game, TV show) was (great/terrible). I don't see the reason to make this into a film." From there you can insert your own pithy comments on how Hollywood is always out to make a fast buck and doesn't care about art. Be advised, it would be best not to use the "art" argument when discussing the upcoming Jetsons live action film.

This is an important tactic, as it allows you, The King of all Knowledge, to:

One: display your vehement objections to Hollywood's dastardly money-grubbing practices. This establishes your personal character, and shows that your moral fiber is as strong as Reed Richards' unstable molecules and as pure as uncut Dylithium crystals.

Two: assert your superior knowledge re: (Topic X) In decrying Hollywood's attempt to remake...say Kolchak: The Night Stalker, you will then be allowed the opportunity to list off all of your favorite episodes, your extensive knowledge of 70's television, and your deep, abiding love for the work of Darren McGavin. The people will be impressed! Trust us.

Example: "LXG (The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), as written by comics legend Alan Moore, was one of the finest comics books ever made. Yet Hollywood had the gall to adapt it into a 'blockbuster' film with elements added by Hollywood edict, elements which make no sense in the context of the storyline. Cars? In 19th century England? What were they thinking?! Hollywood is more concerned with making fat bank than trying to preserve a classic work of comic art. I, as a fan, will not be seeing this. You just lost yourself another customer, Hollywood."

Remember: "Air quotes" and italics are your friend. They add a sense of emphasis as well as irony.

Remakes
Practice saying (typing) this: "The original is a classic. There's no need to remake it."

For example, the recent Red Dragon remake starring currently hot actors Ed Norton and Sir Anthony Hopkins. Originally translated from book to movie in the 80's, and starring William Petersen and Brian Cox as Hannibal Lecter.

This you should view as a great affront to all film. Sample dialogue: "How DARE they remake an already completed, perfectly serviceable movie? Just to include Ed "Keeping the Faith" Norton and Anthony "Freejack" Hopkins?!"

In mentioning past flops that these two stars have been in, you will undermine the possible perception that the newer version could in fact be better than the original. After utilizing this tactic, you will then be prepared to launch into your diatribe on how the earlier version is the superior one, thus cementing your status as "King of Obscure Film," one of the many grand titles that you may earn, should you follow our advice.

Sequels
This, young Padawan, is where the true Geek gets his moment to shine...critically. How many sequels have been made over the past ten years that have been absolutely terrible? The two Matrix sequels, Bad Boys 2, Tomb Raider 2 and so on. And somehow there is still no sequel to Dune? There is no justice in Hollywood.

You must object as vehemently as humanly possible to any and all sequels. Does it matter if you have seen the original film in question? No. Your loathing (yes, you must loathe the sequel, as any true geek would) is all important here. If you have not seen the picture in question, it matters little, as having not seen the film in question will only amplify your hate, thus making you seem an even harsher film critic than if you had. And never admit to trusting actual movie critics, for their commentary is not as pure as that of the online critic. After all, to critique film is their job for which they are amply paid. You are a fan. However, do not ignore the critics. Steal ideas from them and use them as your own, it will give more weight to your arguments.

Sample dialogue: "Why did they need to make a sequel in the first place? The original was all the story that we needed." That establishes you as a fan of the original, which gives you the moral right and geek gravitas to despise the unseen follow-up sequel.

"How can they make a sequel with Val Kilmer of all people? Michael Keaton is the perfect Batman." This argument also gives you the moral high ground, as you use a major casting change from the original to back up your argument that a sequel is a Bad Idea.

"This franchise is running out of steam. They should have stopped at Police Academy 4" Nobody has ever said these words aloud, but they will serve as a good example of what to do when a films sequels are actually good. This is a defensive measure, designed to work only in the case of when an actual good sequel is made. This allows you to continue to dislike upcoming sequels, and covers you in case a sequel is actually good. See the Aliens films. You cannot bemoan the fact that sequels are being made, for Aliens is simply the BEST SEQUEL...EVER. But you can indeed claim that the upcoming Aliens vs. Predator film is unecessary as "this franchise is clearly running out of steam."

I Speak TV

Cancellations
Now this, Ensign Geek, this is where you, the online critic, gets to shine like the insides of Marsellus Wallace's briefcase. Which is to say; this is your Gold Standard.

Fox has cancelled "Undeclared." Paramount has cancelled "Star Trek: Voyager." Comedy Central has cancelled "Strangers With Candy." Dark Horse Comics has cancelled "Ghost." All with "good reason," ranging from low sales to perhaps low ratings. But this will allow you the opportunity to question the sanity and intelligence of everybody and anything involved in the cancellation of your favorite show/comic book/toy line. Remember, by cancelling your favorite TV show, they have personally insulted you. They are trying to ruin your life!

The general populace is at fault for (not watching your favorite show/buying your favorite title). It's a sad state of affairs that the people could not appreciate the majesty that was "Roswell." Too bad nobody has any taste. (This allows you to openly mock and insult everybody around you, for as the cancellation of "Xena" is just more proof that everyone is against you, for they have no respect for you as a consumer. Thus, the world is against you. Make this outrage known!)

It's the fault of the networks/company for not giving it another chance/for constantly moving it's time slot/for not promoting it enough/for not giving it time enough to find it's own audience. All they care about is making fat bank, not giving a chance to a creatively genius yet underrated/underappreciated series. Doom Patrol (for example) could have become one of the greatest series ever had they given it even a fifth of the promotion that DC had given the stale JLA.

Never admit to the following: small fanbase, slipping sales or ratings, poor reviews from the critics (for the critics do not know as much as you, the fan). And, if using the Doom Patrol argument above, never acknowledge that the company might be right to push their already successful series over the unproven one.

The Ones With The Parts You Don't Have

To Love the Pixels: Your Imaginary Fascinations
Ahh, love. Her take charge attitude. Her strength. Her curves. That southern accent. The streak of white through her long flowing hair. Yes, you sure do love Rogue. But is this not the Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name?

Nay! You, the geek should be free to express your love no matter how imaginary it might be. You might choose to express it through praise of your ladylove's products ("OMG I can't WAIT for Tomb Raider 4 to come out! I bet Lara will look sooooooo HOT!") or in the course of normal conversation. ("Seven of 9 is hotter than T'Pol? What, have you been at the Klingon Ale again? SHAZBOT!")

Remember what you have learned from previous sections: YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. Your opinion is all-important. If you love Catwoman for her massive, physically improbably bosoms: then your love is just! It does not matter that she is not real! For you love her, or at least you love her bazooms.

Women Online
They're everywhere, aren't they? Everywhere you turn you find them in banner ads, pop-ups, Maxim pictorals...yes, the ladies. They are pleasing to your eye, no? You would like to make the sex with them, yes? You like to think that if Monica Bellucci were ever to read your Livejournal, she could be yours. Well, there's no reason to burst that bubble. We're here to make you a better geek, not help you find a bride. Any geek worth his salt knows where to turn for satisfying his special 'needs.' (see the Explain Away Your "Favorites" section for tips) Yet there are more public areas where one encounters the female form, and that is where this section may help you.

Tangential Discussion: In the course of a natural discussion on say, the ABC comedy "According to Jim." You entered the post with a comment along the lines of "oh, it's not THAT bad." and are receiving some rather scathing remarks as a result. How to best defend yourself? You could suffer the slings and arrows of your fellow poster, or you could subtly change the flow of this negative conversation and remark "Well, Courtney Thorne-Smith's a hottie!" Then just sit back and watch as the flow of the conversation changes to something you are more comfortable dealing with: whether she is in fact hot or not.

Any negative conversation can be redirected by simply mentoning whether female character (X) is hot, or not. This is a purely defensive tactic, and should be used as such. Happily it applies to most every category, video games, comics, or television. The names Lara Croft, Red Monika, or that cute chick from the OC could come in handy when your back is against the wall. This tactic will also work in the event that somebody is knocking a project that you've been looking forward to. The aforementioned Monica Bellucci serves as an example of a hot actress diverting commentary from your precious Matrix sequels.

Furthermore, your online enemy (see Selecting Your Arch-Nemesis above) can be stymied by a well-placed "I wub.gif Jessica Biel/Storm/that one chick from DOA3!" If he is intending to post seriously regarding anything of note, simply make mention of the hotness of Female character (X) and imagine the little drops of sweat flowing freely from his forehead.

See above comments in the Marking Your Territory section for other handy guides to posting. Let that section be like your own personal Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. "Never Leave Home Without Your Towel!" or in this case, your Geek Handbook.

Open Discussion: At times, one might encounter a thread about one ms. Britney Spears. Said thread would likely be accompanied with an image, perhaps from her latest scantily clad Rolling Stone cover, or perhaps a screencap of her infamous kiss with Madonna. You may comment as you see fit, depending on the level of your infatuation wiht Britney, and of course observing the rules of the board that you post upon. But in the course of this thread, some naysayer wil undoubtedly post something such as this: (Cannonballfan02)I don't get it. She's not THAT hot. She has a weird face.

Cannonballfan02 is now your most hated enemy. But how to make him pay?Simple: tell the truth. Just a simple note on how Cannonballfan02 would be lucky to be given the chance to sever his left arm in return for a chance to smell her hair, and your work is done. When you play the harshest card available (The 'Truth') his argument will shrivel up and die.

Now, this argument could easily be turned against you. Perhaps your comment that "Cristina Aguilera is too skanky!" will be turned against you. Or a comment on how Molly Holly has a fat ass. Your online enemy will surely be waiting for that chink in your armor. How to deal with it? Deny, deny, deny! Keep posting as you see fit. Do not ever account for the fact that in real life you might look like a young Danny Aiello. Or that you couldn't get a woman to approach you without a fistful of singles. No, you are on the internet now! You have no face, but that Tom Baker Dr. Who avatar. That is who you are! You may speak freely, thru the wonders of the anonymity that the internet provides you.

No, nay, never acknowledge that you are ANYTHING but the most virile, Wolverine-esque of posters when discussing the women. You have no girlfriend when you comment on the wondrous buttocks of J-Lo! You have no wife when you ponder being locked in a hotel with t.A.t.U! When you speculate as to the wonders of a three-way with the Black Widow and the Baroness, you must remember that you are like unto a god! Showing weakness in your posts will diminish your stature on the messageboard you choose to grace with your presence. And that would be a move as fatal as Clark Kent forgetting his glasses.

Women Offline
If you follow this Guide to the letter, this will not be an issue for you.