by The Comics Outsider

When I tell you something, you can take it to the bank. Then, it's their problem to deal with.

MOM SAID NEVER TO LIE... BUT SHE NEVER SAID TO TELL THE TRUTH

100% probability of truthiness.

75% probability of truthiness.

50% probability of truthiness.

SEVEN MORE SOLDIERS?

In response to the critically acclaimed success of Grant Morrison's "Seven Soldiers," DC is at it again! Only this time, he gets seven even more obscure heroes to play with! Bookended with art by Michael Turner, and featuring art by Ian Churchill, Marat Mychaels, Dan Fraga, Art Thibert, Marc Pacella, Dan Panosian, and Stephen Platt we can look forward to the wildest re-imaginings of past DC fan favorites such as Conduit, Anima, Shadowdragon, Bob the Galactic Bum, Jamm, Prysm, and the members of the Chain Gang in early 2008!

CIVIL WAR: THE RETURN II

Citing positive fan response, Marvel has decided to create a sequel to the smash hit Civil War tie-in that brought Captain Marvel from the past to the present day Marvel Universe to become a warden at a jail filled with his old friends. The sequel will follow the same structure as the original.

In the first half of the book, Ned Leeds (deceased Daily Bugle reporter and brainwashed Hobgoblin), will be brought from the past to the future to serve as the pro-reg side's new press liaison. He will be brought forward through time due to a "rip in the space-time negative zone continuum or something" a Marvel staffer is quoted as saying.

In the second half of the book, The Sentry will renew his driver's license.

ARTISTSWIPING 1: TOO MANY COOKES

Rumor has it that Marvel was set to steal Darwyn Cooke away from DC, but the recent backlash against artists who use heavy photo reference has made them shy away from Cooke and his shamelessly lightboxed tracing, all too obvious when you compare this panel of test pilot Hal Jordan from Cooke's "New Frontier" with this shot from the 1989 Richard-Dreyfuss-is-an-airplane-pilot film "Always".

INFINITE PAID VACATION SCHEDULE, 2007

In the wake of the Infinite Christmas/Holiday Special fiasco, an internal source at DC has revealed to me several other holiday specials that were canned before they were even solicited:

Infinite Arbor Day Special

Infinite Vernal Equinox Special

Infinite 9/11 Special

Infinite Boxing Day Special

IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN

Guess who actually pushed the button that turned the Hulk into the Hulk? His color scheme is similar and his name rhymes with Forman Snozzborn. All this and more in the upcoming super-secret JMS Hulk title that will follow World War Hulk entitled: HULKSTORM.

ARTISTSWIPING 2: DA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BAGMAN!

TALKIN 'BOUT THOSE CLONE WAAAARS...

Not upcoming from Dark Horse! A previously planned miniseries all about Episode 1 red shirt-equivalent Ric Olie has been cancelled by the licensing giant. "Clone Wars: Got to Get Paid" has been cancelled, with no hopes of getting back onto schedule. Reason being that not enough fans cared enough about the little-known, little-loved minor character to warrant a miniseries, one-shot, or even cameo appearance. "In the grand scheme of things, nobody really cares about this guy," said a Dark Horse Senior Editor. "Even the truly rabid fans could care less about this insignificant, worthless, loser of a character. In fact, when we asked fans about their interest in the character of Ric Olie, they said he looked like the kind of douche would hide behind non-disclosure agreements in order to get out of paying his employees what he owed them."

Ironically enough, the miniseries was meant to revolve around Ric owing money to some familiar characters in the Star Wars Universe: Bail Organa, Jabba the Hutt, and Yoda. Ric, unable to pay anyone, decides to sue them all instead. His lawyer? Chewbacca.

But now this character looks to be a forgotten failure, a minor footnote, an insignificant speck in the lore of Star Wars. But that's all right. Quote a Lucasfilm executive, "Nobody cared too much about him in the first place, either."

RESPAWNING

On the heels of the new David Hines revamped Spawn comic book series, HBO has announced that the fan-favorite Spawn animated cartoon is making a return...with a twist! Based on the success of the Cartoon Network's Teen Titans Go!, HBO has commissioned twelve new episodes featuring McFarlane's signature character. The similarity stops there however, as instead of following the kid-friendly, anime-tinged lead of TTG, the new Spawn will go another route. "Tentacle rape!" exclaimed an unnamed HBO producer. "It's going to out-Urotsukidoji, Urotsukidoji!" referring to the seminal 'classic' demon-porn anime known to US viewers as "Legend of the Overfiend." Look for the new show (with spine-tingling theme song by Japanese noise band Melt Banana) to air in early 2008.

ARTISTSWIPING 3: NOT EVEN YMB IS SAFE FROM THE SWIPERS!

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