by Pete Goodrich

Christopher Lambert is sort of a terrible actor. By sort of, I suppose we mean 'Is.' He's not much of a ladies man as his low heavy brow and massive fivehead do not make for 'Hollywood heartthrob.' Admittedly his deep, penetrating gaze is due to him being legally blind, but vision impairment is no excuse for shitty acting. For an example, please see... Christopher Lambert. Though he was born on Long Island, he was raised in Switzerland which accounts for his bizarre, unspecified accent. He's like a French Mushmouth. Take a look at his IMDB page, and you will see a slew of straight-to-video crappiness with some weird French-lookin' movie titles mixed in. This is not news. Well, except for perhaps the French films.

We all recognize that Christopher Lambert is not a star. But I think that all of us, as geeks, would agree that his finest work was 1986's Highlander. We all have fond memories of the swordfights and the romance and the tales from different eras. We knowingly forgive Sean Connery playing a Spaniard ("My name is Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. Laddie") because he's Sean frickin' Connery, we all know that the Kurgan is just the baddest ass of all movie badasses, and gosh darn it Highlander was just plain awesome, number one and the best. We love Highlander. We remember it as being awesome.

My friends, our memories are wrong. This movie is bullshit, and does not deserve the warm place in our memories that it has. Myself, I was perhaps eleven years old when I saw this catbox of a movie. I didn't know any better then and I'll wager that you didn't either. I watched it again last night, for the first time in years and years. And I tell you this: IT SUCKED. A lot. I will admit that it was at least laughably bad, so it wasn’t the worst time I’ve had watching a movie. But for my attempt to see it as 'so bad it's good' a larger part of me was saddened to see that this happy movie memory of mine for so very long, was so very bullshit. Let us take a look, shall we?

There will be no spoiler protection added, as this movie is old enough to drink.

Problem #1: THE ACTION AND F/X

In a word: dated. I know that we are all pretty spoiled by the standards of today. Both special effects and fight choreography are greatly improved from what they had been back in the day. We can’t expect a lot of wire-fu and shit from lightly trained (I assume they were trained somewhat) American actors in 1986. But I remembered the swordfights being a lot…faster? More brutal? Better? Yes, I remember the sword fights as being better than what we get. It’s just the standard movie “And thrust and parry and swing and clash! And thrust and parry and swing and duck! And thrust and parry and…” It was not as innovative as I remembered it to be. Why did I think it was so nutty? Was it because it was in a parking garage? I cannot explain this.

And as for the F/X... Whenever an Immortal takes his enemies head, he is suffused with a weird, eldritch energy (The Quickening) that causes tearing winds and electrical energies that affect the area around him. Which means that the PA’s bust up a lot of windows and have some fun with the spark machines. The first time we see it, the Quickening is so powerful that it causes the cars in the parking garage of Madison Square Garden to break their windshields and headlights and rev their engines uncontrollably! Incredible! Not cheesy at all! Oh wait, yes it was. Big ups to whoever decided that the other perk of the Quickening process would be that a huge spotlight goes up in the background.

These criticisms are not unique to Highlander, but still one that has to be noted in order to fully explain how and why this movie is actually not very good.

PROBLEM #2: WHAT?

There are movies that are so powerfully entertaining, that they give you pause. This movie is not one of them. Take for example the interrogation scene with the police that MacLeod (false identity of Russell Nash) has to go through. They (rightly) suspect he had something to do with the headless body they find in the shattered parking garage at Madison Square Garden. Apparently they had a hard time believing that this foreign-sounding antiques dealer digs the 'rassling shows. The banter and wit exhibited here…yeah.

Garfield: Are you a faggot, Nash?
Connor MacLeod: Why, Garfield? Cruisin' for a piece of ass?
Garfield: I'll tell you what happened, Russell. You went down to that garage for a blow job. But you didn't want to pay for it.
Connor MacLeod: You're sick.

That's a dandy comeback. YOU ARE THE BURN MASTER! Well Officer Garfield then flies off the handle and pops MacLeod one in the face, so our hero then gets up and starts pounding the bejesus out of a police officer in a police station. Which yes, is a little ridiculous…but more ridiculous is that they let him leave right after! I guess a sketchball who was found fleeing the scene of an unexplained murder can get away with that shit in the 80’s. But how? I know not. A bit of a plothole with this scene, which also ties in with the largest minus this movie has going for it being that Connor MacLeod is kind of a dick.

PROBLEM #3: CONNOR MACLEOD: KIND OF A DICK

I understand why he was dropping so much attitude in the police station. Makes sense, if you want your hero to be tinged with a little anti-heroism, you give him some snappy patter and a disrespect for authority. Whereas Highlander went whole hog, and just made him an utter prick. I'll admit I felt bad for him in olden times when he got kicked out of his village; but everything about 80's MacLeod was just plain Dick. One could say that it was centuries of longevity that led him to his cold, cynical attitude.

But on the other hand, Connor MacLeod is a pretty creepy asshole throughout this movie. In the origin flashbacks I suppose one could forgive it as “It’s the 1500s! Of course he’s going to treat a woman as an object! Where’s Braveheart?!” Which I suppose is fair, and his relationship with his wife in olden times is actually shown to be quite happy and uncreepy. There’s some weird male wish fulfillment going on in one bit with his Old Wife in the 1500's. After sex wife Heather MacLeod replies “You can do that to me forever if ye like me lord.” One supposes that line was there for ironic purposes, but watching it...just plain weird.

And then in the 80’s, MacLeod has become a weird, stalker dick. It is incredible that his behavior in this movie actually manages to win him the girl. I guess she could not resist his magnificent jutting brow. Forensics examiner/ancient sword expert (I shit you not) Brenda Wyatt has been investigating traces of ancient sword metal she found at the site of the first battle of the movie. MacLeod’s ancient sword metal. He follows her to the bar for…no good reason. He mumbles something at her telling her not to follow him…although he had just followed her to the bar from the crime scene. He looks intensely creepy as he does so. And of course, as any rational individual would do she then starts to follow him into a shadowy alley. IT IS PERFECTLY LOGICAL THAT SHE DOES THIS. He of course grabs her from behind and puts her hand over her mouth because he sensed the Kurgan was lurking nearby, but I bet he would have done that even if the Kurgan wasn't there.

Later on, she goes to his office to try and get more insight into MacLeod, who then unleashes his powerful pimp powers!

MacLeod: Can you cook?
Brenda: …yes.
MacLeod: I think we should have dinner.

And she says okay, and invites him over. To her house. Where she would then cook dinner for him. And when he comes over, he starts going through her stuff. To be fair, it was all a clever ruse on Brenda’s part as she had hidden a pistol and a tape recorder in a box on her bureau. In her bedroom. Away from the dining room where presumably she would have taken him for dinner.

And finally in the “WTF? Why does she dig him?!” category, is the scene where he proves to her that he is in fact an immortal. By putting an ancient blade in her hand, and forcing her to stab him. And then they fuck. And keep in mind, throughout all of this he has fixed her with a gaze that I am sure he intends to be "intense and smoldering," but in actuality is more the "psycho looking dude on the bus’' variety. Yet still, he gets to nail her and then lovingly caress her 80s bangs. And Brenda of course ends up chained to a billboard by the ol' Kurgan as bait for MacLeod, and the circle of objectification is complete.

All movies ask for a little suspension of disbelief, but I kind of get the sense that Highlander expected us the viewer to just shut up and eat the shit they shoveled at us. I found the "Immortals who can only be killed by beheading" stuff to be more believable than the love story, which got equal screen time. It's not something you'll notice when you're a preteen and just learning about girls in the first place, but twenty years later this shit sticks out like a sore thumb.

But don't hate me for this, I admit there are good things in this movie too. The Queen soundtrack is brilliantly hilarious. Apparently they were so moved by the love story between Connor and Old Dead Wife Heather they wrote the song “Who Wants To Live Forever” just for the movie. This is notable only because it’s fun to sing along with the music whenever it comes up again later in the film, which is often. You can’t go wrong with a Queen soundtrack; sometimes it’s what tips a movie over the top from godawful to awesome. You can see which side I feel this movie is on, whereas Flash Gordon is only made more awesomely bad by the Queen soundtrack.

And of course the best part of Highlander- the only truly enduring good thing in this movie- is the character of the Kurgan. Clancy motherfucking Brown trumps all, and if the movie had been all about him and his quest to behead a sleazy Christopher Lambert I would go back in time to see the movie twenty times. He does the crazy/menacing thing so very well. The scene where he terrifies Brenda into submission (not kidding) by going on a crazy joyride down the streets and sidewalks of NYC is just amazing, and the bit where he steals an old couples station wagon and goes for a crazy drive with her clinging to the hood…well, that’s just great stuff.

So what have I learned from this little exercise?

1) I might be totally wrong. This one film spawned 4 sequels (another one getting ready for video as we speak), a TV show, several novels, a comic book, and one terrible animated series. So you know, if majority rules and popularity is what counts then I am totally wrong about the movie sucking. So…yeah. I’m not wrong.

Hey, I’ll admit that the mythos as a whole has grown to the point where it’s bigger than the movies. And that’s cool. I used to like the TV show a bit. But I used to say that the only good Highlander movie was the first one and after last night I know that is simply untrue.

2) When Rob Liefeld stole this concept for his own long ago and rightly forgotten idea of ‘The Externals,’ I thought it was bullshit that he so blatantly copied one of the more interesting elements of the film franchise. It’s still true. I just wanted to remind you of that.

Your mileage may vary of course, but I think the past twenty years have elevated Highlander to a level that it really doesn't deserve. If anything, this movie needs a remake. With better actors, FX, fight choreography, and script. Don't believe me? Go watch it. Go on, watch it. Let me know what you think. But beware! You might end up shattering a favored childhood movie memory as I have. It's not the biggest thing to lose, but I know that it sort of bummed me out when I realized how bad this was. Shit, now I'm afraid to go back and watch Flash Gordon.

Our previous Look Back In Anger: 1996

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