by Weston Kenley

There was a time when I use to love this saga unconditionally. I remember playing with the toys while the vinyl soundtrack played in the background, having the bed sheets protect me from unseen monsters, and wearing out the VHS copy of Empire Strikes Back because I needed to watch it over and over again. The movie held such majesty in my mind at the time. All three of those movies could do no wrong in my book. I worshiped them like many people of my generation. It wasn't until I went with my friends to see the re-released version The New Hope that the loyalty of my fond memories was tested. As I sat there in that darkened theater, watching my favorite franchise in its natural habitat, I realized that this movie was not what I was suppose to see. It was like I stepped into the wrong theater, and as my punishment, I was forced to watch all these small nightmares holding together my once perfect dream. Suddenly I was left to question my love of a childhood staple. Why did Jabba the Hutt not look right? Since when did Greedo shoot first? And, who the hell is Biggs Darklighter?

My heart ached at these first few changes, and I hoped that they would not continue, but they did. I'll admit, when I first heard that Mr. Lucas was going to "enhance" a few scenes in the originals and finally make the prequels to the story, I was excited. After all, this fantasy was his baby, but nothing prepared me for the idea that he was going to ruin our memories with all his changes. Though, the enhancements to the sound and lighting effects bended seamlessly; many of the new scenes, themes, and characters did not. At many points during the re-releases, I even found myself distracted by the smooth CGI layered with the graininess of the original footage. It was like he had forced adverse puzzle pieces together, which threw off the final image that we were expecting to see.

This single idea then spilled over into a motif, that would continue until the final credits of Revenge of the Sith, as Mr. Lucas used his will (and lack of foresight) to mutilate the filmed fantasy of a whole generation. There were so many points that could have been improved, if he had only taken the time to study his previous work, before going back to make changes and carry the beginning of the story forward.

I know that Mr. Lucas has said that he is happy with these films, they were now as he intended them to be seen, and that everyone who disagrees with that, can shove off. Well if that's the case… Mr. Lucas, OK, you're right. How could we argue that you've successfully made a bunch of inconsistent, poorly acted, over-compensated, B-quality fantasy movies (that had the all-too-real-possibility of being amazing) when you apparently planned for them to suck all along? If I were you though, I'd try to shoot a little higher when creating the crown jewel in your legacy of film. Howard the Duck will only carry you so far towards greatness.

Since I'm here though, let me make 10 suggestions, that range from general to specific, but they all might have made for a better film collection, or at least, one that would have been not-so-damaging to the spirit of all those who believed in you...

1. Remember what things look like if you’re going to show them in multiple places. In the re-release of The New Hope and the pod race scene of Phantom Menace, Jabba the Hutt's eyes are yellow, but in Return of the Jedi they are red-orange. Yes, that pretty insignificant, but really, the look of Jabba during his introduction (in Jedi) was never repeated again in any of the films. Maybe that was because you decided to not put enough effort into recapturing the image of Hutt that so many people fell in love with. This is the same reason that Yoda in Phantom Menace was a such a farce image. If you're going to use CGI for everything, why use a half-ass-puppet for Yoda in this movie? It looked like he was hiding taffy from the rest of the Counsel, by shoving it between his gums and upper lip. It tore a tiny hole in consistency of the character image, and could have been saved by going CGI from the start, but there IS a dark side to that...

2. If it's not broke, don't go spending a few million to fix it. CGI doesn't always trump everything else in the rock/paper/scissors of visual effects. God knows that some things were not originally as you intended, but that doesn't mean they were wrong. Really, if you had left a lot of the CGI changes out of Episodes 4-6, people would have still loved it regardless. Giving the Sarlacc a beak was like putting Mick Jagger lips on the Mona Lisa; you made a joke of a masterpiece. Just like Greedo shooting first cheapened the badass nature that we came to expect from the first second we saw Han Solo. I mean, did we really need to see a complete song and dance number at the beginning of Return of the Jedi? Don't get me wrong, some CGI was good and effective, but you have to take a note from the Gambler, and know when to hold em’ and know when to fold em’. With that said...

3. Recycle ideas and plastic, not characters. Having C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca intertwined with the overall story was unnecessary. There was no need for them, when new characters would have been done fine (if not better) in their place. If anything, having them all there damaged the way that all the stories were connected. Case in point, if R2-D2 didn't have his memory erased at the end of Revenge of the Sith, what was to stop him from telling the whole story to Luke and the rest of the gang during the second half of the saga? What about Chewbacca? Wouldn't he have mentioned to Han that he knew, and also fought along-side, one of the greatest Jedi Masters of all time? Sure a few of the characters needed to be brought forward, like Luke's foster parents, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the Emperor. I was even cool with a young Boba Fett being thrown into the mix, but a lot more effort should have been put into new characters. Oh yeah, about that...

4. Why create new actually-interesting characters when you can use real-life stereotypes for free? Right? The whole thing about fantasy is that it doesn't have to be mirror our world completely. The Trade Federation didn't have to look and sound like some mockery of Asian businessmen, and Watto didn't have to resemble some Italian junkyard owner. There are billions of different personality traits in our world to pick from, why choose the ones that are so cliche? Having Ben go to a poor illustration of a "space diner" is one thing, but to have him meet up with a freakish alien version of Mel Sharples (from Alice), is just taking it too far.

Star Wars was about originality of it characters and all that was lost in the prequel trilogy. When we saw Chewbacca for the first time, we wanted to know more about him and other Wookies. The same can even be said of Admiral Ackbar and his fellow Mon Calamari. I would have loved to see that race of characters carried forward into the prequels. Hell, many of the more interesting aliens, like the Sullustan (Nien Nunb's race), could have been made more prevalent this time around too. Instead, we were shown all these new creatures that lacked individual personality, which thinned out an original trademark of these movies. Since we're on the subject of lack-of-depth...

5. It's possible to write an exciting sci-fi love story that isn't a Lifetime Original movie in space. A lot of people blame Hayden Christensen's stellar "I am a tree, hear me cry" performance on the lack of depth in Anakin Skywalker's character, but it also has to do with the love story itself. Some of the hardest scenes to get through were those involving the love of Anakin and Padmé Amidala. The age-difference included, the whole affair came across as the story of a powerful politician falling for her creepy, and incredibly religious, stalker. Jerry Springer would kill to have guests like that! From the first moments, there is something about their love that is just not right (and I’m not talking about how Jedi’s aren’t suppose to have lovers). Much of the way they came together seemed so contrived. Not like the story of Han and Leia, which developed from, and in spite of, a clash of personalities and ego. It would have been far more interesting to see Anakin and Padmé discover their feelings for each other, and develop it, during some well-placed tense situations.

In fact, all those scenes, with them running gay through the fields, should have been replaced with the two of them being hunted by Aurra Sing, the Jedi bounty hunter. That would have killed two birds with one stone. On the one side, you would have brought in one of the truly great (and left-out) characters of the Star Wars universe; giving us some possibly amazing fight and chase sequences. Plus, you would be making a more believable situation where two people would discover that their feelings run deeper than expected; while creating a clear bond between the two. Actually, I’m even going to take it one step further…

6. Death is important and it only happens once… so let’s not mess it up. Padmé dies of a broken heart? Huh? What? Mr. Lucas, did you have somewhere else to be, when you were finishing up this script? It would have probably been easier, more plausible, and just totally hardcore, if Anakin stabbed Padmé with his lightsaber causing her to go into labor, and eventually die. This would have perfectly illustrated how far gone Anakin had slipped into the dark side. Plus, it would have eliminated the need for that whole “screaming NO! with the force” scene at the end, which was totally out of character for Darth Vader, because he should be like Shaft; once the suit goes on, he’s a stone-cold motherfucker.

This also brings up another death that should have been done with a bit more planning, the death of Qui-Gon Jinn. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Yoda mentions that Qui-Gon was the first Jedi to figure out how to transcend death, but when Qui-Gon died in the Phantom Menace he didn’t disappear. It would have been more interesting to see him die and vanish, with a look of surprise on Obi-Wan’s face, because he wouldn’t have known what was happening. Beyond that, even if his death remained the same, it’s just crazy that we didn’t see one scene of Qui-Gon reappearing to Yoda for the first time in Jedi history. That, of all things, would have made our day, but I guess you were too busy ruining the illusion…

7. You know, it’s not really a religion if it’s based on science. Some things are better left unexplained. The mystery of its miracles is power station of religion, and it kills the defensive shield when the mystery is wiped out. We don’t need everything to be explained for us to believe in them. I think I would be heart-broken if I found out that the Burning Bush was just a herb, possibly called Dictamnus albus, which is native to southern Europe, north Africa and southern and central Asia, that also happens to secrete an oily residue, which is prone to combustion due to excessive exposure to the sun. It would no longer be a mystery. Just like, we didn’t need to know that the Force was actually little microbes in the cells of all living things, allowing the Jedi to have special abilities. We enjoyed the mystical nature of the Force as it was. If you’re going to elaborate on anything…

8. Silly Mr. Lucas, your tricks with the Force are for kids! I know you didn’t make this movie for the fans. God forbid you might throw a bone to the people who put your kids through college, but you really could have made up some more cool new moves that we hadn’t seen a Jedi do before. Even in the books, there are Jedi that use the Force to control other things, like the weather and water. Yes, it was nice to see Yoda kick ass, but I’d like to think that some of the Jedi could have been a bit more insane with their stunts. Mostly, the Jedi were left to look like faster versions of Luke in Return of the Jedi. With so much more training than him, the Jedi of the past should have had a little bit more going for them. Instead, you gave us an Obi-Wan that was prone to being injured, and a Yoda that didn’t expect the Emperor to use his lighting blast, right out of the gate. I mean, the only real badass things Mace Windu ever did, was to constantly have that “I’d rather be killin' the motherfuckin' Sith” scowl on his face, and his over-powering of the Emperor, but even then, he and the other members of the Counsel were not that impressive. Hey, speaking of that word…

9. You need a phrase book like a redneck in Tokyo. It’s cool to be cute and have Count Dooku repeat something that Vader said in original trilogy, but did we have to hear “Impressive…I see that so-and-so has trained you well” a bunch of times? Really, couldn’t they have mentioned something about the lightsaber dueling techniques they were using instead? Or maybe have one person question why they weren’t trying this other move instead? Oh that’s right, Mr. Lucas, you didn’t bother to come up with a variety of attacks for the Jedi to use, because you were too caught up trying to figure out how to insert pop stars into the battle sequences. The banter during the fight scenes seemed to rehash the same lines that you came up with 30 years ago. Seriously though, most of the dialog in the prequels was sub-par compared to the beautiful moments of wit and class you created in the original trilogy. Co-writers probably could have helped you with that but…

10. You need to get off the Control… I think you’re addicted. As much as I know that you were going to make these movies your way, you probably would have had a better response if you took some advice once and awhile. You didn’t have to direct all the prequels, you know? Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi were still pretty amazing, even if you weren’t the one calling all the shots. Honestly, The Phantom Menace probably would have turned out great, if you had talked over all your “great ideas” with people that understand a thing or two about consistency, plot development, non-annoying character profiles, and maybe even the Star Wars universe beyond the movies. It’s one thing to work towards making your version of art; it’s another to piss on all the other art in that category (even your own) during the process.

In many ways, it seems like you woke up one day, decided to make the prequel movies to Star Wars, and three days later you started filming without a second thought about it. Not only that, you also decided that it wasn’t important to try and make a movie that that fans will love. After all, who needs fans? They’re only the ones that made this idea of yours, a franchise. Do you think people are going to be saying 20 years from now how good those prequels were? Probably not, Mr. Lucas. It’s more likely they’re going to say something about how you had this one-of-a-kind great idea, but through laziness and greed, you ruined it for the world forever. Instead of being a wonderful moment of our lives, it’s a tarnished memory of our childhood, but you know what? When all was filmed, watched, and done; it wasn’t the acting, or the effects, or even the characters that made these movies bad… it was you, Mr. Lucas. You made these movies the lackluster non-event that they were. I hope your ego sees that some day, and you do your best to correct it in the future projects…

And do us a favor, don’t make anymore of your Star Wars movies.

We can’t take much more of this abuse. Thanks.

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