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by the YMB Staff
Clusterf*cks of the Year
Wildstorm Relaunch
Wow. It was a darn shame to see one of the strongest relaunches we've ever seen get so messed up. We :heart: Jim Lee. And we :heart: Grant Morrison. And we :heart: just about everything Wildstorm does. But when you have two of comics hottest creators set to relaunch a title, you really need it to come out on a regular schedule. That said, it is okay if someone else draws WildCats to get everything back on track, you know?
Civil War Continuity
When your editors have to go online every week to re-explain the law the crossover revolves around... When other books keep spoiling the main book... When the book's delayed twice, creating a scheduling nightmare... And when the most widely praised book in the crossover is a last minute fill-in designed to take up space between delays but ends up telling integral story elements the other parts of the crossover neglected, well... you've got a bit of a problem.
WizardWorld Atlanta
Wizard got a little swat on the nose this past year. They decided to schedule a convention for the same weekend as (and thus in direct conflict with) the already announced HeroesCon. So what happened? Fans saw it as Wizard trying to create a monopoly over the convention circuit and creators rallied around the little guy and HeroesCon became the convention to attend this past year, drawing such big names as Bryan Hitch and Warren Ellis.
Collectibles
Sideshow Collectibles Invincible Iron Man
This re-creation of the cover of Invincible Iron Man #76 by Adi Granov retailed for $250, but was selling on Ebay for nearly double that amount just a month or two later. For many collectors, even with Sideshow's past successes, this statue (or "comiquette," as they like to call it) put Sideshow firmly at the forefront of comic book-related collectibles.
Marvel Legends MODOK
Toy Biz ended their Marvel license strong with a great selection of figures in the MODOK wave. The variants? Whole new characters. The build figure? Awesome. The guys taking over the license? A little nervous about them.
Transformers Cybertron Primus
Cybertron finally gets its due, becoming one of the biggest Transformers ever, the creator of the Autobots and Decepticons, Primus. Now we finally have a giant planet robot transformer to fight against Unicron atop our entertainment center. Heavens be praised.
Celebs Behaving Badly
Mel Gibson and Michael Richards
Suffering from diarrhea of the mouth, Gibson and Richards remind us that sharing all of your deepest, innermost thoughts isn't always caring. Please. Just take a big heaping gulp of STFU and call it a career already, okay?
Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan
Apparently having just signed endorsement contracts with the Gillette company and hootchiemamas.com, Spears and Lohan showed us how smooth a shave they can get. Firecrotch? Please. More like Pastycrotch.
Tom Cruise
After a bizarre 2005, Tom Cruise went out of his way to prove to America he wasn't nuts. And he failed pretty spectacularly. From weirdo stories about whether his daughter even existed, to an over-the-top star-studded wedding, everything about him screamed "trying too hard."
Movie Watching
Superman Returns
Didn't it make like, a billion dollars? In all seriousness, despite being slow, this was a great addition to the franchise, just by writing off 3 and 4. And don't forget, folks, the first X-Men movie was a little on the slow side, too.
Borat
I want to make love explosion on your stomach.
Rocky Balboa
Who would have thought thirty years after the original that there would be a new Rocky movie and that it would be good? Stallone hits all of the right notes in sending off a nearly mythical figure from our childhood the way he deserved.
Television Viewing
Battlestar Galactica
When the Galactica jumps into the atmosphere of New Caprica early on in season 3? That's just about the damn coolest thing we've ever seen on television.
Heroes.
NBC does the impossible and takes a premise that most people on face value would dismiss and turns it into the breakout hit of the season. What, by all rights, should have been the concept of a failed 90s syndicated show that was broadcast between "Hercules" and "Xena," damn near saves NBC.
The Lost Room
Remember when the national networks would run pretty decent fantasy miniseries during sweeps? Things like "Merlin" and "The 10th Kingdom"? Well, Sci-Fi brought back the fantasy miniseries with the superb "The Lost Room". Well-written, well-acted, well-executed, and from Sci-Fi? I know, it boggles the mind. But it also shows that BSG isn't a fluke and Sci-Fi is capable of some really superior television.
Bits of Comic Gossip
Tightlip Entertainment's Meltdown
Wow, was this ever an entertaining Internet shitstorm. Allegedly, aside from constantly cancelling small upper New York comic book conventions, it appears that Tightlip also has a problem with paying creators for work done. The numbers of pros willing to come forward about non-payment and other creepiness from Tightlip seemed to grow exponentially with every passing week, despite bizarre (and likely un-enforceable) non-disclosure agreements that the talent had been forced to sign. And the public blog-meltdown of TLE owner Rick Olney finally shows that MySpace does have a good reason to exist.
Matt Busch vs. Steve Niles
Right. Matt who??? We know. Earlier this year, Matt Busch learned the very important lesson of why you should not take your hot girlfriend with you to meet nerdy, hard-up comics creators, especially nerdy, hard-up comics creators who just signed huge Hollywood option deals.
On the other hand, Steve Niles learned to never again use voice-mail.
Allegedly.
The Byrne Board Christmas Day Massacre.
So... the details of this one are hazy. But allegedly, a member of the ByrneRobotics forum passed away. Another member went to the funeral "on behalf of the board" bringing with him print-outs of posts of condolences. In a move that seems too bizarre to believe, Herod, I mean Mr. Byrne, apparently decided this violated his copyright and banned the forum member. This then led to an exodus from the forum of biblical proportions.
Ongoings
Ex-Machina
It's a political drama, it's a superhero tale, it's a furniture polish, it's a dessert topping. It's all of these things and so much more. The story that Brian K. Vaughn (the "K" stands for "Kickass!") and Tony Harris have put together in this book works on so many different levels and has maintained the high-level of quality in workmanship since the blow away splash page at the end of issue #1.
Daredevil/Captain America
It's really hard to pick between these two, and it's no coincidence that they're both being written by the same person, Ed Brubaker. Bru is writing two of the very best books in the market right now, and on one of them, he had to follow another incredibly good run by another writer.
Fault him for his honked up dialogue, hate him for his pacing, villify him for his choppy endings, Brian Bendis wrote some great Daredevil stories. It's hard to follow a great act, right? Well, not only did Brubaker successfully follow Bendis, he actually topped him. Dare we say it? Daredevil right now is the best it's been since Frank Miller was on the book.
And as for Cap? Well, let's just say this: Brubaker has brought Bucky back to life as a brain-washed, deep cover, former-Soviet double agent . . . or something. We're not quite sure. But the story actually works. This plotline has some of the best twists and turns in it since Brubaker was writing Sleeper.
X-Men
Mike Carey enters the Marvel Universe in a big way. Not only does he assemble a team of mostly castoffs and psychotics and make it work, he also deftly nods his head to previous continuity. X-Men is dark, a bit angry and a whole lot of fun. Chris Bachalo is turning in his best work in years.
Mini-Series/OGNs
Pride of Baghdad
Okay, we know. Talking lions as the main characters? Please. And who really wants to read a preachy story about the atrocities we're perpetrating in Iraq, right?
Well, get over it. If you haven't read this book for either of those reasons, you're depriving yourself of simply the best read of the year, and some of the best work of BKV's career. And that's saying something.
Scott Pilgrim and the Infinite Sadness
The best way to describe Scott Pilgrim is equal parts self-aware emo story and manga superhero story, throw in a dash of do-it-yourself production value and sprinkle in some Boy Crazy Wallace and you have quite possibly the best book published today. Seriously. We haven't heard from one single person who's read it who dislikes it. Even dour old Grandma Dandy can't wait for the next one. And neither can we.
52
At HeroesCon we asked Dan Didio what the plan was if/when 52 started running late. He just confidently told us that it would not ever run late. And he was right. 52 was a huge gamble for DC, even one late issue could have impacted many other books as the missing year of DC history was being revealed concurrently with the ongoings One Year Later. But they pulled it off, successfully introducing new characters and themes and revitalizing characters many had written off.
But, come on now... where is L-Ron?
Collections
Absolute Sandman
Someone tell Ted Turner that recoloring worked, for a change. Lovingly remastered, this collection of the first three Sandman trades sees new life breathed into the work of Sam Kieth, Mike Dringenberg, Charles Vess and Kelley Jones. The first of four planned volumes, this collection marks a sea change in the nature of the Absolute format and gives Vertigo fans everywhere hope for Absolute Preacher.
Absolute DC: The New Frontier
The Absolute treatment for Darwyn Cooke's magnum opus, a love letter to DC's Silver Age, comes in the same year as some other notable names: Kingdom Come, The Dark Knight Returns, and, of course, Sandman. The fact that DC recognizes this modern masterwork in similar regard should tell you all you need to know about this book. The Absolute edition includes additional story pages, footnotes and script excerpts, and it's the best way to explore every nook and cranny of this 400-page story.
New X-Men Omnibus
Already bought all of the trades? Here's a perfect opportunity to share the love for Grant Morrison's run by regifting them to a friend. Not only is every page of Morrison's run lovingly collected in this $100 monstrosity, but the unexpurgated "Morrison Manifesto" is included, along with alternate covers and character sketches. This may well be the only X-Men book you'll ever need.
Unfulfilled Promises
Ultimate Hulk Vs. Wolverine
Take one of the driving forces behind "Lost" and let him write a big throwdown between two wildly popular characters with rising star Leinil Yu on art and you should have a monster hit. Except you need to actually write the book. The stuff we got to read was great, don't get us wrong. Hulk asking Wolverine if he wants some hot cocoa was great. We just want more, dammit. Poor Leinil Yu, between this and the delays on Civil War, what should have been a breakout year for him will have to wait.
All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder
How could this title not work? You have Frank Miller and Jim Lee on a continuity free retelling of Batman's early years. Oh yeah, only one issue shipped this year, that's how. Maybe Miller's too busy making movies at this point. Although, since Miller seems hell-bent on taking Batman to some really odd extremes, maybe this is a good thing. Anyone want to lay bets on who gets Osama first, Bush or Miller's Batman?
Infinite Crisis
Unfulfilled for everyone who bought the floppies, when so much of the story was missing. At least, that's what we were led to believe by the expanded HC edition.
Artists
Seth Fisher
Fantastic Four/Iron Man: Big in Japan should have been the beginning of great mainstream success for Fisher. It's a tragedy that we will not see more from this unique voice.
Steve McNiven
The immensely popular Civil War catapulted McNiven to a whole new level. Which is why it was a shame that Marvel undeservedly threw him under the bus over the second Civil War delay. You deserved better, Mr. McNiven. Your stellar work on Civil War should not be overshadowed by Marvel's scheduling errors.
Frank Quitely
Yeah, he blew a big lead on All Star Superman. Okay, he blew a huge lead. But the book is really, really pretty. And yeah, maybe it's hypocritical to praise Quitely while giving Wildstorm a hit for WildCats being delayed... but the book is really, really pretty.
Writers
Brian K. Vaughn
Not many writers inspire the kind of loyalty Vaughn does. Runaways, Ex Machina, Y, the Last Man... people don't like these books, they love them. Vaughn's got a knack for creating characters that people love to read month in and month out.
We know he's headed off to work on "Lost," which we've heard is some kind of television show or something... he better just promise to come back to visit. Often.
Ed Brubaker
Broke one of the two major pillars that the modern Marvel universe is built upon and brought back Cap's dead partner Bucky (the other pillar, Uncle Ben is dead, was broken by Peter David over in Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man). But Bru made it work. The Winter Soldier storyline is one of the strongest Cap stories in years, maybe ever. That, combined with his other work this year, puts him on the top of the heap.
Mike Carey
How many writers currently working have such diverse output? From big mainstream superhero epics on X-Men and Ultimate Fantastic Four to more thought provoking adult titles like Crossing Midnight and Lucifer, Carey easily switches not only genres but writing styles. He had a stellar 2006 and bears watching in 2007.
Please Come Back to Comics
MD Bright
In a time of constantly late books, why isn't Bright, with his smooth style, on a book? From his website it seems he's doing a lot of storyboarding work. We need the co-creator of Quantum and Woody back on a monthly.
Allan Heinberg & Damon Lindelof
Ok, we know you write for TV. That's great. But Lindelof is depriving us of some amazing Leinil Yu art, and Heinberg, on top of delaying DC editorial's plans for Wonder Woman, is preventing us from getting more of a seriously quality new book, Young Avengers. We love your books, guys. We just want to be able to actually finish reading them.
John Byrne
If only to keep him from milking his cronies, sorry, fans on his message board for Fixodent money with more of his "commissions" (like the six-fingered Invisible Woman).
Industry Workhorses
Stephen Wacker and Michael Siglain
Editing a weekly comic is hard enough. Editing a weekly comic written by four people? Damn hard. Editing a weekly comic written by Grant Morrison, Mark Waid, Greg Rucka and GEOFF JOHNS!? Don't know how Wacker and Siglain have managed to pull this off, but we at YMB tip our collective cap to them.
Mark Bagley
Not only did he and BMB set the record for consecutive issues on the same series this past year, but he's managed to maintain a consistently high level on almost all of those issues. And for some of us, he's been THE definitive Spider-Man artist of our comics-reading lives, having drawn the same character in one book or another for the better part of 12 years now. Congratulations, Mr. Bagley. And thank you.
Warren Ellis
The author of Nextwave, Planetary, Ulitmate Galactus, New Universal, Iron Man, Fell, and Down was a busy man this year. He finished his opus Planetary with a controversial ending that kept fans talking, he turned Iron Man into one of the most powerful superheroes in the Marvel Universe, and his creator-owned Fell was consistently entertaining. All this, and he still found time to travel all the way to North Carolina to be a headliner at HeroesCon.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 11:59 AM
by Gary Walters
Top Five Best Moments of 2006
5. Iron Man Puts Captain America in Traction
600 kids died in Stamford, Captain America. Get off your high horse and show some patriotism. Get with the program and get your priorities right! Each of those kids had a mother and a father. And grandparents. And maybe pets. And they'll never see them again. Don't you care about those affected by the tragedy in Stamford, Cap? They all want the Superhero Registration Act. They want to feel safe again. I want to feel safe again.
4. Transformer Trailer Debuts
These aren't your daddies' Transformers. These ones are more badass and robotery than ever! When early designs for the film were leaked a bunch of fanboys went crazy with what I call "fanboy rage." But those same fanboys were wrong about Wolverine's leather jumpsuit, Spider-Man having organic webshooters, Constantine being American and Keaunu Reeves, and Doctor Doom having electro-powers. They'll be just as wrong about Starscream's chicken legs. You mark my words.
3. Snakes on a Plane Premieres
"There are too many f-ing snakes on our airplane!" With those simple words, Samuel L Jackson created a poopculture movement, with entire websites, t-shirts, and songs created for a movie in a way that had never been done before. Me and my friends waited in line outside the theater for a week to make sure we could get in opening day. And it was an amazing movie going experience, one only dwarfed by the first time I saw ID4 (Independence Day).
2. Eragon Flies High at Theaters
What's better than flying dragons? Nothing. Nothing is better than flying dragons.
1. Playstation 3 Launches
I TOTALLY GOT A PS3 FOR CHRISTMAS! My mom said she had to go to like five stores every morning for a month. She missed a few days of work, but it was totally worth it! Or, it will be once cooler games come out. The launch titles were pretty weak. Anyway, she'll get a new job soon enough. Can't wait to play it!
Worst Five Best Moments of 2006
5. Nextwave Comic Makes a Mockery of Machine Man
I'm a big fan of Machine Man ever since the Alex Ross opus "Earth X". There we saw a Machine Man who really had taken his place among the greatest of all Marvel heroes. But in Nextwave, we have a robot in a bra. Maybe I'm not "hip" and "ironic" enough, but I don't get it. And I don't want to get it. How do you go from being the scion of the Watcher, the all-seeing heart of the Marvel U, to a punchline and a throw away gag with extending arms?
It's a crying shame, is what it is.
4. Scott Pilgrim and The Infinite Sadness Infiltrates Bookstores
This is another one I just don't get. I mean, it's manga so maybe it loses something in the translation from Japanese. But it's just weird. This and Ranma seriously weird me out.
3. "Crazy" By Charles Barkely Hits the Airwaves
Man, this song was everyhwere over the summer. While I have to give the former basketball star "cred" for singing, this song was enough to drive anyone who heard it for more than ten minutes "crazy". I'm not much into "hip-hop" but I know what I like. And I miss music that meant something. Back when music meant things to poeple. Me? I'm a fan of heavy metal bands like Bon Jovi. I'll take some "Bad Medicine" over being "Crazy" anyday.
2. Battlestar Galactica Season Three Debuts
I've been watching this show since mid-last season and while I'm not a "Battlestar Fanatica", I've been enjoying this interesting, cerebrel, show. But I don't understand why, when given the chance to live in peace with the cylons, the humans didn't take it. Didn't they notice that the cylon women are all super-hot?
1. Spider-Man Changes Sides in Civil War
How could you, Peter? After all Tony did for you? Made you awesome armor, let you join the Avengers. Seriously, what were you thinking? Don't you realize how much your actions could hurt him and the entire pro-registration side? Between you and Cap's selfishness, Tony's been through a lot this year. I hope JoeyQ's "final word" on your marriage is Mary Jane leaving your traitor ass. For Tony Stark.
Read last year's Tricks of Turning Pro: Best/Worst 2005.
Read the last Tricks of Turning Pro.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:30 AM
by the YMB Staff
Deadpool: Kill less people with Lenny Bruce's corpse. Start using with Bea Arthur's corpse. (Note to self: kill Bea Arthur.)
Mr. Fantastic: Might as well get that Playboy mansion pass Susan always said no to. Unstable molecule pajamas here I come!
Cyclops: Women don't make me complete, I am fine on my own. Women don't make me complete, I am fine on my own. Women don't make me complete, I am fine on my… Oh hey--
Batman: Try to use the bat-moped more instead of the other vehicles - it's just sitting there gathering dust.
Hank Pym: Don't accidentally invent any killer clone/robots this year.
Spawn: Get more sun.
Cable: Take less gear on missions - I never even need most of those guns and it costs a God-awful bundle when I invariably get thrown out of a jet or something and lose most of them, and it's really starting to kill my back carrying it all. Also, while I'm at it, I've got to stop with the eye glowing whenever I'm near Rachel - OK, so I had that funny dream about her... but even though she isn't my sis, she kinda is.
Swamp Thing: Get a new camera that won't give me red eye when the family photos come back.
Wolverine: I'm the best there is at what I do... But is there room for improvement? I want to make this Logan's year to shine.
Hulk: Hulk need to renew membership to Hello Kitty Fan Club.
Ghost Rider: This year I resolve to actually make the time to get out and walk a bit more. Sure, a mystical chopper fueled by the screams of the damned and hellfire gets you from point A to B quicker, but you never get to stop and appreciate the life's little miracles like you do when you're on a nature hike, or even just a stroll down the street.
Beast: Quit buying National Geographic tapes for pornography.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 09:30 AM
by the YMB Staff
1. "Sweet Holiday Season!"
Luke Cage, in Heroes for Hire #2, replacing his "Sweet Christmas!" catchphrase with something more inclusive.
2. "Stop laughing at my little Dick!"
Batman to the Joker in issue #127 (as the Joker laughed menacingly at Robin).
3. "Not in the face! Not in the face!"
Aquaman, in Aquaman #34, while being punched in the face.
4. "I am the Law!"
Judge Dredd in one of those comics Americans have never read but nod and pretend they did when talking to British comic fans. He was that guy Sylvester Stallone played in that movie. With the helmet.
5. "Stupid, stupid rat creatures"
If you're a big Bone fan, then you know where this quote comes from. If you're a big, throbbing, Bone fan.
...
Bone.
6. "This psychic knife is the focused totality of my psychic abilities!"
Psylocke, while fighting Magneto in X-Men #17. Right after Rogue had said "I dare not touch someone, less Ah absorb their powers and memories, sugah." And before Storm said "Goddess!" And then Colossus said "By the White Wolf!"
7. "Not like this!"
Hawkeye ...on his wedding night with Mockingbird. From the flashback in West Coast Avengers #23
8. "Does Nightwing have to cut a bitch?"
Nightwing, to future Robin Tim Drake during the "Lonely Place of Dying" arc in Batman #441.
9. "I know we were raised as brother and sister, but so what? I'm German Euro-trash."
Nightcrawler regarding his love Amanda Sefton in Uncanny X-men #237.
10. "By the Whore-y Hosts of Hoggoth!"
Dr. Strange, in the classic 70s story "The Hoggoth's Swingers Party" in Strange Tales #43.
11. "By Hera, I could humiliate you worse than if you were caught f*&king a pig in the middle of the town square!"
Wonder Woman to Cheetah, Wonder Woman #43
12. "In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight, Let those who worship evil... yadda yadda yadda."
Shortened, hipper 90s version of Green Lantern oath introduced in 1998 in Green Lantern #105 during Seinfeld's heyday.
13. "I'm the best there is at what I do..."
Rick Jones, in the Incredible Hulk #4, right before breaking out his harmonica.
14. "YEEEEARGH!"
Howeird Deen, AKA the vile Doctor Vermont, in issue #4 of "Liberality for All".
15. "With grape powder, comes grape drink to end the thirsty."
Uncle Ben to a young Peter Parker, describing his love for grape Kool-Aid mix. Peter misheard what he said.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 09:30 AM
Reed Richard's Christmas Shopping List
For Sue: A romantic dinner out on the town. Create a hologram of myself to go with her.
For Johnny: "The David Spade Collection" on DVD
For Ben: Finish that "turn him back human" thing, if I have time. Otherwise, "Talledega Nights" on DVD.
For Franklin: Finish his new robotic play mate, the Omni-Robotic-Playmate-Humanistic-Artificial-Neuronet.
For Namor: Pants.
Danny Rand's Christmas Shopping List
For Cage: Yellow shirt (preferably with no shirt buttons). Possibly with easy-rip stitching.
For Matt Murdock: New mask after I punched out eye holes in his old one.
For everyone else: Silver tongue dollars.
Bruce Wayne's Christmas Shopping List
For Clark: WayneTech Brother-I GPS.
For Diana: WayneTech Brother-I GPS.
For Hal: WayneTech Brother-I GPS.
For Ollie: WayneTech Brother-I GPS.
Logan's Christmas Shopping List:
For Storm: Six pack of Michelob.
For Kurt: Six pack of Heineken.
For Peter: Six pack of Stroh's.
For Kitty: Hmm... is she old enough? ...Fine, six pack of lite beer. Pabst.
The Abomination's Christmas Shopping List:
For the Leader: Size 47 "Gamma Irradiates Go For Longer" baseball cap
For Doc Samson: "Gamma Irradiates Do It Glowingly" t-shirt
Hal Jordan's Christmas Shopping List
For Kyle Rayner: gift certificate to Starbucks. Twenty...no, five dollars.
For Guy Gardner: a new haircut bowl.
For John Stewart: Custom made JLU Animated John Stewart as a Darkstar figure.
For Alan Scott: Novelty glass eye with a smiley face in the pupil.
For Hector Hammond: 100 Gallon cowboy hat. No, ten.
For Sinestro: Mustache wax.
Tony Stark's Christmas Shopping List:
For Matt Murdock: Iron Devil Armour
For Marc Spector: Iron Knight Armour
For Danny Rand: Iron...Fist Armour
Darkseid's Christmas Shopping List:
For Superman: Death, Pain, Desolation. All that Darkseid IS, I impart to the last son of Krypton for his Earth Celebration.
For Orion: Merry Christ Birthing Day, my scion. So, too, shall you bear witness to the full fury of my power. Your legendary rage is naught compared to mine.
For Scott Free: I shall grind you under the hell of my boot. Your intestines shall feed my parademons. Enjoy your "Happy New Year." It shall be your last.
For Desaad: "Best Friends" Earth Hummel figurine.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 10:00 AM
by Weston Kenley
There was a time when I use to love this saga unconditionally. I remember playing with the toys while the vinyl soundtrack played in the background, having the bed sheets protect me from unseen monsters, and wearing out the VHS copy of Empire Strikes Back because I needed to watch it over and over again. The movie held such majesty in my mind at the time. All three of those movies could do no wrong in my book. I worshiped them like many people of my generation. It wasn't until I went with my friends to see the re-released version The New Hope that the loyalty of my fond memories was tested. As I sat there in that darkened theater, watching my favorite franchise in its natural habitat, I realized that this movie was not what I was suppose to see. It was like I stepped into the wrong theater, and as my punishment, I was forced to watch all these small nightmares holding together my once perfect dream. Suddenly I was left to question my love of a childhood staple. Why did Jabba the Hutt not look right? Since when did Greedo shoot first? And, who the hell is Biggs Darklighter?
My heart ached at these first few changes, and I hoped that they would not continue, but they did. I'll admit, when I first heard that Mr. Lucas was going to "enhance" a few scenes in the originals and finally make the prequels to the story, I was excited. After all, this fantasy was his baby, but nothing prepared me for the idea that he was going to ruin our memories with all his changes. Though, the enhancements to the sound and lighting effects bended seamlessly; many of the new scenes, themes, and characters did not. At many points during the re-releases, I even found myself distracted by the smooth CGI layered with the graininess of the original footage. It was like he had forced adverse puzzle pieces together, which threw off the final image that we were expecting to see.
This single idea then spilled over into a motif, that would continue until the final credits of Revenge of the Sith, as Mr. Lucas used his will (and lack of foresight) to mutilate the filmed fantasy of a whole generation. There were so many points that could have been improved, if he had only taken the time to study his previous work, before going back to make changes and carry the beginning of the story forward.
I know that Mr. Lucas has said that he is happy with these films, they were now as he intended them to be seen, and that everyone who disagrees with that, can shove off. Well if that's the case… Mr. Lucas, OK, you're right. How could we argue that you've successfully made a bunch of inconsistent, poorly acted, over-compensated, B-quality fantasy movies (that had the all-too-real-possibility of being amazing) when you apparently planned for them to suck all along? If I were you though, I'd try to shoot a little higher when creating the crown jewel in your legacy of film. Howard the Duck will only carry you so far towards greatness.
Since I'm here though, let me make 10 suggestions, that range from general to specific, but they all might have made for a better film collection, or at least, one that would have been not-so-damaging to the spirit of all those who believed in you...
1. Remember what things look like if you’re going to show them in multiple places. In the re-release of The New Hope and the pod race scene of Phantom Menace, Jabba the Hutt's eyes are yellow, but in Return of the Jedi they are red-orange. Yes, that pretty insignificant, but really, the look of Jabba during his introduction (in Jedi) was never repeated again in any of the films. Maybe that was because you decided to not put enough effort into recapturing the image of Hutt that so many people fell in love with. This is the same reason that Yoda in Phantom Menace was a such a farce image. If you're going to use CGI for everything, why use a half-ass-puppet for Yoda in this movie? It looked like he was hiding taffy from the rest of the Counsel, by shoving it between his gums and upper lip. It tore a tiny hole in consistency of the character image, and could have been saved by going CGI from the start, but there IS a dark side to that...
2. If it's not broke, don't go spending a few million to fix it. CGI doesn't always trump everything else in the rock/paper/scissors of visual effects. God knows that some things were not originally as you intended, but that doesn't mean they were wrong. Really, if you had left a lot of the CGI changes out of Episodes 4-6, people would have still loved it regardless. Giving the Sarlacc a beak was like putting Mick Jagger lips on the Mona Lisa; you made a joke of a masterpiece. Just like Greedo shooting first cheapened the badass nature that we came to expect from the first second we saw Han Solo. I mean, did we really need to see a complete song and dance number at the beginning of Return of the Jedi? Don't get me wrong, some CGI was good and effective, but you have to take a note from the Gambler, and know when to hold em’ and know when to fold em’. With that said...
3. Recycle ideas and plastic, not characters. Having C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca intertwined with the overall story was unnecessary. There was no need for them, when new characters would have been done fine (if not better) in their place. If anything, having them all there damaged the way that all the stories were connected. Case in point, if R2-D2 didn't have his memory erased at the end of Revenge of the Sith, what was to stop him from telling the whole story to Luke and the rest of the gang during the second half of the saga? What about Chewbacca? Wouldn't he have mentioned to Han that he knew, and also fought along-side, one of the greatest Jedi Masters of all time? Sure a few of the characters needed to be brought forward, like Luke's foster parents, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the Emperor. I was even cool with a young Boba Fett being thrown into the mix, but a lot more effort should have been put into new characters. Oh yeah, about that...
4. Why create new actually-interesting characters when you can use real-life stereotypes for free? Right? The whole thing about fantasy is that it doesn't have to be mirror our world completely. The Trade Federation didn't have to look and sound like some mockery of Asian businessmen, and Watto didn't have to resemble some Italian junkyard owner. There are billions of different personality traits in our world to pick from, why choose the ones that are so cliche? Having Ben go to a poor illustration of a "space diner" is one thing, but to have him meet up with a freakish alien version of Mel Sharples (from Alice), is just taking it too far.
Star Wars was about originality of it characters and all that was lost in the prequel trilogy. When we saw Chewbacca for the first time, we wanted to know more about him and other Wookies. The same can even be said of Admiral Ackbar and his fellow Mon Calamari. I would have loved to see that race of characters carried forward into the prequels. Hell, many of the more interesting aliens, like the Sullustan (Nien Nunb's race), could have been made more prevalent this time around too. Instead, we were shown all these new creatures that lacked individual personality, which thinned out an original trademark of these movies. Since we're on the subject of lack-of-depth...
5. It's possible to write an exciting sci-fi love story that isn't a Lifetime Original movie in space. A lot of people blame Hayden Christensen's stellar "I am a tree, hear me cry" performance on the lack of depth in Anakin Skywalker's character, but it also has to do with the love story itself. Some of the hardest scenes to get through were those involving the love of Anakin and Padmé Amidala. The age-difference included, the whole affair came across as the story of a powerful politician falling for her creepy, and incredibly religious, stalker. Jerry Springer would kill to have guests like that! From the first moments, there is something about their love that is just not right (and I’m not talking about how Jedi’s aren’t suppose to have lovers). Much of the way they came together seemed so contrived. Not like the story of Han and Leia, which developed from, and in spite of, a clash of personalities and ego. It would have been far more interesting to see Anakin and Padmé discover their feelings for each other, and develop it, during some well-placed tense situations.
In fact, all those scenes, with them running gay through the fields, should have been replaced with the two of them being hunted by Aurra Sing, the Jedi bounty hunter. That would have killed two birds with one stone. On the one side, you would have brought in one of the truly great (and left-out) characters of the Star Wars universe; giving us some possibly amazing fight and chase sequences. Plus, you would be making a more believable situation where two people would discover that their feelings run deeper than expected; while creating a clear bond between the two. Actually, I’m even going to take it one step further…
6. Death is important and it only happens once… so let’s not mess it up. Padmé dies of a broken heart? Huh? What? Mr. Lucas, did you have somewhere else to be, when you were finishing up this script? It would have probably been easier, more plausible, and just totally hardcore, if Anakin stabbed Padmé with his lightsaber causing her to go into labor, and eventually die. This would have perfectly illustrated how far gone Anakin had slipped into the dark side. Plus, it would have eliminated the need for that whole “screaming NO! with the force” scene at the end, which was totally out of character for Darth Vader, because he should be like Shaft; once the suit goes on, he’s a stone-cold motherfucker.
This also brings up another death that should have been done with a bit more planning, the death of Qui-Gon Jinn. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Yoda mentions that Qui-Gon was the first Jedi to figure out how to transcend death, but when Qui-Gon died in the Phantom Menace he didn’t disappear. It would have been more interesting to see him die and vanish, with a look of surprise on Obi-Wan’s face, because he wouldn’t have known what was happening. Beyond that, even if his death remained the same, it’s just crazy that we didn’t see one scene of Qui-Gon reappearing to Yoda for the first time in Jedi history. That, of all things, would have made our day, but I guess you were too busy ruining the illusion…
7. You know, it’s not really a religion if it’s based on science. Some things are better left unexplained. The mystery of its miracles is power station of religion, and it kills the defensive shield when the mystery is wiped out. We don’t need everything to be explained for us to believe in them. I think I would be heart-broken if I found out that the Burning Bush was just a herb, possibly called Dictamnus albus, which is native to southern Europe, north Africa and southern and central Asia, that also happens to secrete an oily residue, which is prone to combustion due to excessive exposure to the sun. It would no longer be a mystery. Just like, we didn’t need to know that the Force was actually little microbes in the cells of all living things, allowing the Jedi to have special abilities. We enjoyed the mystical nature of the Force as it was. If you’re going to elaborate on anything…
8. Silly Mr. Lucas, your tricks with the Force are for kids! I know you didn’t make this movie for the fans. God forbid you might throw a bone to the people who put your kids through college, but you really could have made up some more cool new moves that we hadn’t seen a Jedi do before. Even in the books, there are Jedi that use the Force to control other things, like the weather and water. Yes, it was nice to see Yoda kick ass, but I’d like to think that some of the Jedi could have been a bit more insane with their stunts. Mostly, the Jedi were left to look like faster versions of Luke in Return of the Jedi. With so much more training than him, the Jedi of the past should have had a little bit more going for them. Instead, you gave us an Obi-Wan that was prone to being injured, and a Yoda that didn’t expect the Emperor to use his lighting blast, right out of the gate. I mean, the only real badass things Mace Windu ever did, was to constantly have that “I’d rather be killin' the motherfuckin' Sith” scowl on his face, and his over-powering of the Emperor, but even then, he and the other members of the Counsel were not that impressive. Hey, speaking of that word…
9. You need a phrase book like a redneck in Tokyo. It’s cool to be cute and have Count Dooku repeat something that Vader said in original trilogy, but did we have to hear “Impressive…I see that so-and-so has trained you well” a bunch of times? Really, couldn’t they have mentioned something about the lightsaber dueling techniques they were using instead? Or maybe have one person question why they weren’t trying this other move instead? Oh that’s right, Mr. Lucas, you didn’t bother to come up with a variety of attacks for the Jedi to use, because you were too caught up trying to figure out how to insert pop stars into the battle sequences. The banter during the fight scenes seemed to rehash the same lines that you came up with 30 years ago. Seriously though, most of the dialog in the prequels was sub-par compared to the beautiful moments of wit and class you created in the original trilogy. Co-writers probably could have helped you with that but…
10. You need to get off the Control… I think you’re addicted. As much as I know that you were going to make these movies your way, you probably would have had a better response if you took some advice once and awhile. You didn’t have to direct all the prequels, you know? Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi were still pretty amazing, even if you weren’t the one calling all the shots. Honestly, The Phantom Menace probably would have turned out great, if you had talked over all your “great ideas” with people that understand a thing or two about consistency, plot development, non-annoying character profiles, and maybe even the Star Wars universe beyond the movies. It’s one thing to work towards making your version of art; it’s another to piss on all the other art in that category (even your own) during the process.
In many ways, it seems like you woke up one day, decided to make the prequel movies to Star Wars, and three days later you started filming without a second thought about it. Not only that, you also decided that it wasn’t important to try and make a movie that that fans will love. After all, who needs fans? They’re only the ones that made this idea of yours, a franchise. Do you think people are going to be saying 20 years from now how good those prequels were? Probably not, Mr. Lucas. It’s more likely they’re going to say something about how you had this one-of-a-kind great idea, but through laziness and greed, you ruined it for the world forever. Instead of being a wonderful moment of our lives, it’s a tarnished memory of our childhood, but you know what? When all was filmed, watched, and done; it wasn’t the acting, or the effects, or even the characters that made these movies bad… it was you, Mr. Lucas. You made these movies the lackluster non-event that they were. I hope your ego sees that some day, and you do your best to correct it in the future projects…
And do us a favor, don’t make anymore of your Star Wars movies.
We can’t take much more of this abuse. Thanks.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 09:00 AM
