by Gary Walters

Often we are scared of what is terrifying or what fills us with fear. And often what is frightening can fill us with horror. That primal sense of fright that is so scary to us.

But, what are the most scary things? What are the most terrifying moments ever? Listen well, dear reader, and I shall tell you of terror so terrifying that it terrorizes you down to the bone...

10. The dentist
A man, a supposed doctor, who can decide to just pull out your teeth because he wants to? That's scary. You go to the doctor for help. Help with a pain in your tooth or gums. But just pulling your teeth out? What is this, caveman times? You don't go to the doctor for a toe ache and he cuts off your feet. But if he did, the replacement foot I bet would match the color of your skin. Unlike the new teeth my dentist put in. Which don't match.

9. The Wicker Man
I finally saw this movie for the first time ever after never having seen it before. There's this one scene where the poor policeman is tormented by the siren song of this naked chick in the next room. Women can be full of danger and temptation. Then the guy ends up in a giant wooden statue and SET ON FIRE. I am scared of fire.

8. Garbage bags.

7. The Asian horror movie with that scary lady with the long black hair
I don't remember the name. It was Japanese or something. But it had this creepy looking dead lady in it with creepy long black hair. You know the one I'm talking about. And she kills people.

6. Clowns
It's the make-up. It's them getting up in your face. It's them embarassing you at your 8th birthday party. Clowns are the reason you didn't get to sit with the cool kids in high school. You were all friends before then. Befor the clown made you pee your pants.

5. The Ocean
Aside from the obvious concerns with having to take your shirt off at the beach, there are many other reasons to find the ocean full of terror. Beyond the terror of sharks and jellyfish, there are also dead people underneath you at all times. So many pirate and other ships have sunk over the years that you cannot tread water in the ocean without the dead looking up at you from their watery grave. Creeeeeeepy.

4. Girls (LOL!)
Between their vaginas and long hair... there's a lot about women that can make a man filled with terror. Whether it's the heart pounding fear caused by that disapproving look they give you when you ask them out or the mind bending distress caused by trying to surmise how the tidal pull of the moon will affect their mood this month... women are mysterys. And mysteries are scary.

3. Aliens
They walk amongst us. Like a Star Trek away team. Watching. Analyzing. Probing. What do they want? What is their plan? How is faster than light travel possible? Are they hiding within the gas giant planet Jupiter? Are they hiding in the moons of Saturn. Are they hiding in the rings of Uranus? Are they behind Pluto being downgraded as a planet? Are they keeping us trapped on our planet for their science experiments? Is it a blackhead or a subcutaneous transmitter?

2. The Skeksis
First, they look like decaying vultures. Second, they're gross. Third they have bad table manners. And that one, the chamberlain, when he gets disbarred and goes after the elf-people? Way creepy. When he's trying to trap them he's all "No... stay... am friend." He sounds like Grover, if Grover were a child molestor.

1. Whether or not I'll ever get a PS3
The new Playstation Three will be the most powerful gaming system in the history of the planet. I called too late to get on any recent waiting lists... so now I am officially scared that I won't get one. AND I HAVE TO HAVE ONE. I'm hoping my parents got on a wait list and are going to surprise me come Christmas. They say they didn't, but they said the same thing about the Power Rangers Megazord that "magically" appeared beneath the tree back in 1995. Let me tell you, I was the happiest 16 year old in all the world that Christmas morning.

Read Volume 2, Issue 2 of The Tricks of Turning Pro.



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