« September 2006 | Main | November 2006 »
Starting us out, Gary Walters lets us know what the most scariest things ever are.
Brandon Nightman continues with his list of the best movie monsters ever.
YMB asked our favorite creators what they liked dressing up as best when they were kids.
YMB asked our favorite creators what they liked getting most when they went trick-or-treating.
Halloweek concludes with that ancient debate, who would win: Draculas or Frankensteins?
And also check out last year's Halloweek.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:30 AM
POINT: DRACULA IS THE BEST MONSTER
By Jesse Farrell (age 10)
Dracula is very clearly the most superior monster of all. His power and strength are legendary and feared by all other monsters worldwide, except for the giant monsters of Japan who are really different types of monsters. Dracula has faught all his foes and won, including the wearwolf, Van Helsing, except in Van Helsing’s movie where he won because he was the star, duh, the X-Men onetime and even… Yes… Frankenstein’s monster.
Frankenstein’s monster, who is sometimes mistakenly called Frankenstein, which was really the name of the doctor who made him, is a big and very strong, but even his one “power” which is strength isn’t even as great as that of Dracula! Dracula has many, many powers including strength, bloodsucking, bat transformation, flying (sometimes), turning into mist, hyponotizing, AND strength! Also he cannot be killed except by three things- a stake to the heart (obviously!), fire, sunlight. Also having his head cut off could kill him. But otherwise, Dracula cannot be killed. In fact, Dracula is ALREADY DEAD so he can’t die again! On the other hand, theres Frankenstein.
Dracula is the ruler of Transylvania, in fact he is the COUNT of Transylvania but Frankenstein’s monster isn’t king of anything… Except maybe Burger King (ha ha!) Because of this Dracula wears a cape and other awesome clothes that never get dirty or rip even when he fights or transforms to animals forms (I forgot he can transform into wolf-mode, too). Frankenstein on the other hand wears dirty, torn pants and has a rope for a belt. He looks like a homeless person.
Dracula can create other draculas by biting them. By usuing his special attack, he can make other people do his will OR turn them into draculas which have all his powers, but less so (so he can still control them). What he does is he bites a person (usually not the hero but someone they are freinds with or married to) and then they die. Later they come out of a coffin- A DRACULA! LIKE HIM! Sometime they also have a cape, but usually not. What happens if Frankenstein bites you? Probably you just get a disease.
If you think about it Dracula has all the powers of the other monsters all rolled in one: he can turn into a wolf like wolfman. He is already dead like the mummy. He drinks blood like vampires. And he is strong… like Frankenstein, who is also very dumb and can’t even talk. Yes it is true that Frankenstein’s monster can go out in the daytime and a Dracula who did that would die- but I ask you, have you ever seen Frankenstein in the daytime? No.
So the best monster at Halloween has got be Dracula. Forget the creature or a ghost or something because Dracula is the king of the night and the PRINCE OF DARKNESS (and the only other one who gets to be called that is the Devil, who is a even more evil than a monster!) What is Frankenstein but a collection of dead bodies? Why would that be strong? I bet it would just smell and be gross and wormy.
Plus, did you know he doesn’t even have a normal brain? It’s true- Eegor dropped the regular brain and he got a weird brain instead.
Dracula is the king of monsters so look out at night or you could be his next victum!
COUNTERPOINT - FRANKENSTEIN WOULD TOTALLY KILL DRACULA IN A FIGHT.
by marty allen (age 10)
It is very obvious that Frankenstein would kill Dracula in a fight. First of all Frankenstein is way stronger. Even though Dracula is strong, too, everybody knows that Frankenstein is stronger and usually madder at everything which makes him even more strong. And also Frankenstein has big screws that come out of his neck.
Frankenstein is made up of dead bodies and then came to life because of lightning. Dracula came to life because he was being dumb and let some other stupid Dracula bite his neck. So if Dracula even tried to eat Frankenstein's blood that would probably kill Dracula, too, because it would be either dead body blood or lightning blood. And either one would probably light him on fire which is a good way to kill Dracula.
Next, Frankenstein is friends with little kids, but everyone else he beats up. Even though usually when you see Frankenstein there aren't any cars around, if there were, he could definitely pick them up and throw them very far. And if he threw a car at Dracula he would probably knock his head off. But that is only one way that Frankenstein would kill Dracula.
Also, he could keep fighting Dracula until it becomes daytime, and then Dracula would be dead (because the sun kills a Dracula), or if Dracula ran away or turned into a bat or something that would mean he lost because he was scared, anyways.
And also Frankenstein could body slam Dracula onto a fence or a flag pole that would go right through him into his heart.
Even though Dracula and Frankenstein are both strong, Frankenstein is stronger and would kill him many different ways in a fight.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:10 AM
Jonathan Coulton, musician.
You can download his ode to super-villainy, "Skullcrusher Mountain", here.
As for candy, fruit is lame, and luckily you have to throw it out in case it contains razor blades or pins. But I was always a big fan of your standard cookie- or wafer-based candy bars - your Twixxes, your Whatchamacallits, etc.
Larry Young, author and publisher.
Larry is the author of the ground-breaking science fiction series Astronauts in Trouble, the comic book industry allegory Planet of theCapes, the self-publishing how-to book True Facts, the online comics columns Loose Cannon and Proof of Concept, and the upcoming high-octane action-adventure The Black Diamond.
As far as my favorite candy, I have to say I liked Necco wafers and candy corn. Just mainline that sugar, you know? Why mess around with chocolate and nougat and caramel and all that fancy trying-too-hard candies when you can just get your SUGAR in the Necco wafers and your HONEY in the candy corn? Give it to me now and give it to me sweet.
Cameron Stewart, artist.
Be sure to check out his Vertigo book, The Other Side.
Unfortunately, while in the hospital my only sustenance was the saline drip. After returning home on Novermber 25th I was told that all my candy had been given to the other neighbourhood kids. Maybe you should ask them which was the best.
Jim Mahfood, writer/artist.
His graphic novel, The Further Adventures of One Page Filler Man, will be released by Image Comics in December.
Reeces Peanut Butter Cups.
MC Chris, rapper
Check out his most recent album, Dungeon Master of Ceremonies, and look for him in the upcoming Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie.
Sweettarts, bottle caps, razzles, a and w's have always been scores.
Geoff Johns, writer.
DC Comics recently released his opusInfinite Crisis in hardcover and Johns' is also an author on the weekly title, 52.
A regular size candy bar. You'd always race to the rich people's houses and stock up.
Chynna Clugston, writer/artist.
Current projects include Strangetown from Oni Press, an issue of Teen Titans Go! from DC this December, as well as Blue Monday (Oni Press), which should be returning next year. Also be sure to check out girlmod.livejournal.com/.
I really liked the Snickers with the razor blades, I'd fight with the
neighborhood kids over them (I'd win because a family member made 'em
so I had first dibs), but the rock-hard pink bubblegum that tasted
like fluffy chalk was a close second. I was all about Popcorn Balls,
actually.
Dan DiDio, executive editor.
DiDio is profiled on Wikipedia, here.
Favorite candy, the mystery bag, never know what you are getting until you open it.
David Baron, colorist.
Current highlights right now are 52 and Stormwatch for DC/WS. His main blog is myzombies.blogspot.com/ where he posts about life, love and work.
Bit-o-honey. So I was an odd kid...
Chip Zdarsky, writer/artist.
Chip Zdarsky's Monster Cops is in stores now and very halloweeny.
I used to take all the crappy candies and melt them down into one giant piece of candy, hoping that all the individual candy shitiness would be negated by the combination of them all. Typically I'd end up with a six-pound confection that tasted like tires and rancid steak.
Wait. I answered that all wrong, didn't I?
Tom Peyer, writer.
You can check out Tom Peyer's work in The Authority: Transfer of Power and in House of M: Spider-Man.
Little Snickers or Milky Ways. Note to candy-givers: if you're too cheap to give out chocolate, you're not getting away with anything. We notice.
Mike Carey, writer.
Vertigo's final Lucifer collection will be released next year and you can currently read Carey on Marvel's X-Men.
Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate - or CDM, for short. In those days it came in silver and purple foil wrappers and it tasted like... well, like it still does now, only back then I'd never experienced an orgasm so CDM was as good as it got.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:05 AM
Jonathan Coulton, musician.
You can download his ode to super-villainy, "Skullcrusher Mountain", here.
They were all terrible mistakes that seemed like good ideas on paper, but ultimately were uncomfortable and impractical. I can't remember any that stand out as "favorites" so much as the ones that stand out as "disasters." I once wore a giant cardboard box painted like a Rubik's Cube to a Halloween party where there were girls. I remember making sure to paint the box just like my actual Rubik's Cube, because I wanted it to be an accurate representation of a possible configuration of the puzzle. Needless to say, the ladies didn't appreciate this detail as much as I thought they might. I just felt like a geek in a box.
Larry Young, author and publisher.
Larry is the author of the ground-breaking science fiction series Astronauts in Trouble, the comic book industry allegory Planet of theCapes, the self-publishing how-to book True Facts, the online comics columns Loose Cannon and Proof of Concept, and the upcoming high-octane action-adventure The Black Diamond.
When I was a kid, I rotated Batman, Zorro, and The Lone Ranger. But I was a kid in the 60s, so that's pretty much your cool guys, right there. Now, of course, I'm usually a hard-drinking astronaut:
Cameron Stewart, artist.
Be sure to check out his Vertigo book, The Other Side.
When I was about 6 or 7 my dad made me a costume which he called the "Black Ghost" - I was dressed head to foot in black, with dark face-paint and a big black sheet draped overtop. Once the sun went down I was basically invisible - just like a ghost! He took me out trick-or-treating and said that I could eat all my candy that night if I walked in the middle of the road to see how many cars I could "scare."
Jim Mahfood, writer/artist.
His graphic novel, The Further Adventures of One Page Filler Man, will be released by Image Comics in December.
Spider-Man or Boba Fett.
MC Chris, rapper
Check out his most recent album, Dungeon Master of Ceremonies, and look for him in the upcoming Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie.
I was never into dressing up. I was more of the kinda kid that set up haunted houses in the basement all the time. When I was really little I was Ronald Reagan with a big huge mask - looked like a bobble head, more than not though. I was always a dead kid, now I just like to watch 'cuz I'm a boring adult.
Geoff Johns, writer.
DC Comics recently released his opusInfinite Crisis in hardcover and Johns' is also an author on the weekly title, 52.
The Greatest American Hero. I have a picture but I'm not giving it to you. I think I was like 10.
Chynna Clugston, writer/artist.
Current projects include Strangetown from Oni Press, an issue of Teen Titans Go! from DC this December, as well as Blue Monday (Oni Press), which should be returning next year. Also be sure to check out girlmod.livejournal.com/.
I especially dug being a ghost when I was younger. When I was 13 I was the ghost of a Red Cross nurse from WWII, I even had a uniform that fit me. The costume was sort of lost on my classmates, historically correct nurse wasn't as popular as naughty pre-teen nurse. These days I'm usually a zombie, which is no surprise to anyone. Switching it up a tad this year though, I'm going to be a speakeasy demon.
Dan DiDio, executive editor.
DiDio is profiled on Wikipedia, here.
Favorite costume, Ben Cooper version of Scott Tracy of the THUNDERBIRDS.
David Baron, colorist.
Current highlights right now are 52 and Stormwatch for DC/WS. His main blog is myzombies.blogspot.com/ where he posts about life, love and work.
My favorite costume to wear as a kid is a hard question, always wanted to be something different each year. A dead Zombie, a dead ninja, a dead baseball player. So I guess my favorite costume is a dead one. More blood, the better.
Chip Zdarsky, writer/artist.
Chip Zdarsky's Monster Cops is in stores now and very halloweeny.
Halloween was the only night of the year in which Mother would allow me to wear pants. The feeling of fabric, draped around my mildly deformed legs, still gives me a thrill to this very day.
Tom Peyer, writer.
You can check out Tom Peyer's work in The Authority: Transfer of Power and in House of M: Spider-Man.
Ironically, The Flash. Ironic because I am and have always been very slow, and because I had no way of knowing that Barry Allen would, in my lifetime, die tragically.
Mike Carey, writer.
Vertigo's final Lucifer collection will be released next year and you can currently read Carey on Marvel's X-Men.
I tended to be a ghost. Low maintenance, because all you needed was a sheet. But I occasionally went for a Quasimodo-like cowled lunatic, because I had this weird garment that was like a monk's robe with a hood and it looked kind of cool. And I could do Quasimodo with no real effort because, coincidentally, I lived in a bell tower and was congenitally insane.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:05 AM
So, for my inaugural column here at YMB (very nice to be here!) I'm going to bring a Halloween-y theme: movie monsters! Theres no actual ghouls covered in this, but we will address who are the top ten Best movie monsters that have blessed the silver screen? Well, I have ten categories here and lets get started!
VAMPIRE!
Is there anything better than a classic vampire movie? Go back in the day to the black and white classics like Nosferatu or the original Dracula, both movies that still hold up today. Delve a little farther back to the classic Hammer films of the 60's and 70's. Go a little bigger budget with Interview With the Vampire, or Bram Stoker's Dra- well, maybe you can skip that one. Or go full on new-Hollywood with cult classics like Near Dark or Bordello of Blood! It's a classic movie monster, and one that has survived for good reason: Vampires are kickass. Just look at John Carpenter's Vampires, or the too short Queen of the Damned!
WEREWOLF!
Werewolves haven't fared so well of late. They're one of the more iconic horror creatures out there, based on what came before with Lon Chaney Jr back in the day. We saw some big success again maybe twenty-five years back with An American Werewolf in London, not as much success with the misbegotten sequel in Paris. And aside from that...well, it's been scarce success for the ole lycanthropes. Seventeen Howling sequels don't do a lot for a genre, and our hazy memory seems to recall some werewolf feature with Cristina Ricci from last fall: clearly that one was from a smash hit. But if more folks took a page from the cult classic (yes, we do consider it a classic) Dog Soldiers, it's a safe bet that the movie werewolf could make a decent comeback!
ZOMBIES!!
We almost feel like this one is a given. Do we really need to explain why zombies rank so very high in terms of horror movie monsters? As a genre they've enjoyed their own recent renaissance (The Dawn of the Dead remake, Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Australian zombie flick Undead...dead!) which is to say little of their former glories: the Fulci zombie films, the Return of the Living Dead series, Oscar winner Peter Jackson's Dead Alive...and of course, Romero's original zombie trilogy: Night, Dawn, and Day. There's plenty more zombie movies out there (of dubious merit), novels, a massive zombie comics boom (at the moment), and we're just waiting for the HBO Original to replace our dearly departed Deadwood. Hey, maybe they could just recycle the name! Ell oh ell!
J-HORROR!
I don't have a specific monster to go along with the genre, but you have to admit: They make some pretty f-ing scary movies! To date I've seen Dark Water, Ju-On/The Grudge, Pulse, and the Ring...all three of their sequels! One of the many scary things about it is the thick, creepy atmosphere that perverts the entire film. I think the atmosphere gets even scarier as I can never understand what they're talking about! But as good as these, are, you know whats better? The remakes. Now, I love a decent remake as much as the next guy; but these movies get remade better than most movies that actually get made! And I'll tell you this for free (next time costs a buck, ha ha!) I never used to be scared of Asian women before, but after watching the Grudge and the Ring etc., I am now terrified of Asian women with long black hair. Utterly terrified. I ran into a couple of Asian students in Blockbuster the other day, and I almost Shat myself! Thankfully they were just guys though. Phew!
SCIENCE!
What hath man wrought! When man plays God, can any good come of it? Well, if by "good" you mean stumbling animated corpses and horrific plagues and monsterous mutations... then sure. Man is the instrument of his own downfall. His tool is science. And maybe a robot or two he built. Like in Chopping Mall! Ever see that one? It was pretty obscure (I saw it on the long-departed classic TV show USA Up All Night) but it was like this: a bunch of horny teens get trapped in the mall. Shades of Dawn of the Dead...but it gets better! The security robots malfunction and go on a crazy rampage throughout the mall! No chopping actually happens, but "Lasering Mall" sounds pretty dumb.
GIANT ANIMAL!
Everyone fears Crocodiles. And snakes. And spiders. And ants. Okay, some more than others (horrible little leggy things) but we can all agree that some animals are just plain freaky. But what if they were HUGE? A tarantula as big as Madison Square Garden, comin' at right at you! An alligator (or crocodile) the size of a city bus. A gigantic snake the size of a fire hose. A big fire hose. Who's not going to get a little tweaked by that? Hollywood's made it happen back as far as during the 50's (Tarantula, Them!) and up until now with 'notorious' films such as Lake Placid or Anaconda. Combined with a comical edge, lots of folks have been plenty frightened by such modern day kitsch classics! Me, I always had a lot of love for Food of the Gods 2 and its giant rats. Giant rats! F-ing scary!
SWARMS OF ANIMALS!
You might think that the horrormovies of the past with warms of animals are pretty cheesy, and yes: some of them are. MST3K worked over a couple good ones (unfairly) like Squirm (bloodthirsty worms) and the Killer Swarm (bloodthirsty bees) and I'm sure loads of people got some good laughs out of that. Meanies. Well listen up you f-ing hatemongers! I have seven words for you: Oscar winner James Cameron directed Pirahna II. Okay the roman numerals are not a word. And two of those were names. But names are words! But you know what gets me fired up (with terror!) even more than a horde of slavering, mindless, implacable zombies? A horde or slavering, mindless, implacable tarantulas! Like in the classic Shatner film Kingdom of the Spiders! Ewwwww!
CLOWNS!
I can barely get into this. Clowns are just so freaky. Their faces are painted like they're laughing, but they are not. They are soulless, emotionless, heartess killing machines, I am certain of it. If I ever meet the right girl (I'm single, ladies!) we are so totally never giving our kids any clown stuff. Nope, just going straight to the Pokemon and stuffed aardvarks. Arthur taught me how to read, he can do the same for my future little ones. I saw Killer Klowns from Outer Space once. It scared the hell out of me. I know they tried to play it for laughs with the over the top FX, and the goofy murders and the music and all...but I wasn't laughing. Even scarier than that: Shakes the Clown. That movie scared the life out of me, and if should have scared you too! Take that movie to heart like it's some sort of documentary on how truly degenerate and soulless those f-ing clowns really are! And I once saw a picture of that Pennywise clown from that Stephen King TV movie It? Someone photoshopped it so it said that he was going to touch my penis. I was scared to touch my own penis for a week. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
SLASHERS!
It's folks like Michael Myers who make the movie slasher such an iconic force when it comes to horror movies. For a lot of folks, Horror=Halloween after all. And that was his franchise, man! The hallmark of a successful movie slasher is simple; and in two parts: an unstoppable resolve to kill horny teens, in clever fashions. And many, many sequels. There's Michael Myers (7), Freddy Krueger (7), and the king of kings: Jason Voorhees with a whopping 11 sequels under his bloody belt. These guys are the best because they kill only people who deserve to die, not normal good people like you and me. Just you know. The popular people. ...who ruin their lives with drinking and drugs and the sex and parties and stuff. Jerks. We could use a couple more of those types in MY apartment complex, let me tell you that for free! They get so loud out there on Fridays! Don't they know BSG is on?! Slashers are the best, and arguably the most recognizeable of all movie monsters. Some of them still get to me, you'd never believe how high I jumped when I learned that the Stepfather was on that island on Lost! Don't trust him, Mr. Echo! He'll try to adopt, nurture and murder you! MURDER YOU!
Ell oh ell. (I will not type those letters alone, as I'm not a dumbass.) And the number one movie monster? Number one of all time? El Numero Uno? It's real simple:
C.H.U.D.s!
Yeah, C.H.U.D.s! Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers! Is there anything MORE scary than that? Think about all the toxic waste that we have underneath our major cities today. There's a ton. And how many homeless people do we have in our cities, just waiting to wander underground and get mutated? I just read about a homeless guy who started a fire under a school because he was trying to cook soem hot dogs by wrapping them in newspaper and burning them. Do you want a guy like THAT becoming mutated and growing an elongated neck and rows of razor sharp teeth? I think not.
Just kidding! I know they're not real. But man, I can't think of anything scarier than a horde of P.O.'d, mutating f-ing homeless guys coming up from the sewers to eat me. Daniel Stern thought he was dealing with a monster when he was in Home Alone, but man! He never expected to have to face down no C.H.U.D.s!
So there we have it! The Top Ten Best movie monsters ever! I hope you enjoyed reading my little article here and- oh what's that? That was ELEVEN entries? Well heck, I guess I just went and gave you a bonus! Let's just call that a Baker's Dozen for you the reader, huh? I'll see you next time, when I take on Netflix in an artcle I might call "Brandon Nightman Takes on Netflix!" See you then!
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:00 AM
by Gary Walters
Often we are scared of what is terrifying or what fills us with fear. And often what is frightening can fill us with horror. That primal sense of fright that is so scary to us.
But, what are the most scary things? What are the most terrifying moments ever? Listen well, dear reader, and I shall tell you of terror so terrifying that it terrorizes you down to the bone...
10. The dentist
A man, a supposed doctor, who can decide to just pull out your teeth because he wants to? That's scary. You go to the doctor for help. Help with a pain in your tooth or gums. But just pulling your teeth out? What is this, caveman times? You don't go to the doctor for a toe ache and he cuts off your feet. But if he did, the replacement foot I bet would match the color of your skin. Unlike the new teeth my dentist put in. Which don't match.
9. The Wicker Man
I finally saw this movie for the first time ever after never having seen it before. There's this one scene where the poor policeman is tormented by the siren song of this naked chick in the next room. Women can be full of danger and temptation. Then the guy ends up in a giant wooden statue and SET ON FIRE. I am scared of fire.
8. Garbage bags.
7. The Asian horror movie with that scary lady with the long black hair
I don't remember the name. It was Japanese or something. But it had this creepy looking dead lady in it with creepy long black hair. You know the one I'm talking about. And she kills people.
6. Clowns
It's the make-up. It's them getting up in your face. It's them embarassing you at your 8th birthday party. Clowns are the reason you didn't get to sit with the cool kids in high school. You were all friends before then. Befor the clown made you pee your pants.
5. The Ocean
Aside from the obvious concerns with having to take your shirt off at the beach, there are many other reasons to find the ocean full of terror. Beyond the terror of sharks and jellyfish, there are also dead people underneath you at all times. So many pirate and other ships have sunk over the years that you cannot tread water in the ocean without the dead looking up at you from their watery grave. Creeeeeeepy.
4. Girls (LOL!)
Between their vaginas and long hair... there's a lot about women that can make a man filled with terror. Whether it's the heart pounding fear caused by that disapproving look they give you when you ask them out or the mind bending distress caused by trying to surmise how the tidal pull of the moon will affect their mood this month... women are mysterys. And mysteries are scary.
3. Aliens
They walk amongst us. Like a Star Trek away team. Watching. Analyzing. Probing. What do they want? What is their plan? How is faster than light travel possible? Are they hiding within the gas giant planet Jupiter? Are they hiding in the moons of Saturn. Are they hiding in the rings of Uranus? Are they behind Pluto being downgraded as a planet? Are they keeping us trapped on our planet for their science experiments? Is it a blackhead or a subcutaneous transmitter?
2. The Skeksis
First, they look like decaying vultures. Second, they're gross. Third they have bad table manners. And that one, the chamberlain, when he gets disbarred and goes after the elf-people? Way creepy. When he's trying to trap them he's all "No... stay... am friend." He sounds like Grover, if Grover were a child molestor.
1. Whether or not I'll ever get a PS3
The new Playstation Three will be the most powerful gaming system in the history of the planet. I called too late to get on any recent waiting lists... so now I am officially scared that I won't get one. AND I HAVE TO HAVE ONE. I'm hoping my parents got on a wait list and are going to surprise me come Christmas. They say they didn't, but they said the same thing about the Power Rangers Megazord that "magically" appeared beneath the tree back in 1995. Let me tell you, I was the happiest 16 year old in all the world that Christmas morning.
Read Volume 2, Issue 2 of The Tricks of Turning Pro.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 AM
by Ryan Higgins and the YourMomsBasement staff
20-Odd Questions returns with a look at Jim Lee and Grant Morrison's Wildcats #1. Following up on the events of Captain Atom: ARMAGEDDON, how will the Wildstorm universe we all know and love be changed?
We had 20 fanboys ask the questions you need to know.
1. The Authority are awesome. Why are The Authority so awesome?
One word: Captain America Rape. Ok, I lied, that's three words.
2. I'm assuming this is some kind of "cats gone wild" pornography. So really, why are you reviewing cat porn for a respectable site such as this, and also, are there any calicos rolling on their backs?
It's cat porn with an artistic quality and a superhero character, so it fits within the scope of a YMB review. And as it's softcore, there is no explicit nudity, only a lot of kissing and heavy petting.
So, Jenny Quantum killed Zealot's kid, is that where you're trying to go with this? I'm going to say Zealot goes totally nuts and tries to carve up Jenny Quantum THIS SATURDAY on Pay-Per-View! Only $39.99! Or, ya know, in a future issue of WildCATS. No, really, Grant Morrison said there will be a WildCATS vs Authority fight in one of the future issues.
"Morrison said he is writing the series to match Lee’s strengths, calling it a very shiny pop-art approach that looks and feels very fresh. He said he’s making sure Lee gets to draw the things all fans want to see, 'Like the Authority versus the Wildcats, Spartan and Voodoo making love under a blacklight, and things like that'"
4. Who would win in a fight: The WildCATs or the Thundercats?
The Thundercats. Grandpa Huxtable would clean HOUSE.
5. Maul has an "M" on his forehead. Robin has an "R" on his costume. Captain America has an "A" on his mask. Do they just think we're so stupid that we'd be talking to them and forget their name?
What about the "S" on Superman? Oh, wait, I guess that's his family crest or something. Sure, they didn't make that up 50 years later or anything.
6. Do we get to see Voodoo's "White Hot Room"?
Sure, but its $40 for ten minutes, and $25 for each additional five. You've gotta keep your pants on, though.
7. Speaking of Voodoo, a superhero stripper, seriously. What is that all about?
It's about the BEST IDEA EVER!
8. Do any of the post-Jim Lee Cats show up? Condition Red? Savant? Ladytron? The Combat Accountant?
Nope, this first issue is all old-school. Grifter, Spartan, Voodoo, Zealot. These are the characters you remember from the original series you bought 20 copies of, hoping to pay your way through college with, which have sat in your closet for the past 15 years and aren't worth the price of the paper they're printed on. Or, wait, you might not even remember these characters, because you never actually read the comic, for fear it would damage it. Ah, the good old days of comic "collecting," not "reading."
Actually, Ladytron is supposed to show up down the line. In an orbital prison for super powered people. Which is completely different than shipping them off to the Negative Zone.
Only if it's named Lord Empussy. Or maybe Fluffy Daemonite.
10. In high school, my football team was named the Wildcats. One year, we got beaten at our homecoming game by a team called the Gophers. Is that because I didn't properly charge my magic sigil?
Probably. That, or Zatanna didn't properly cast her "loohcs tirips" spell.
11. Do you think Grant Morrison used magic to make "All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" late?
If by "magic," you mean "masturbated violently to images of Zatanna to charge his anti-ASB&RTBW Sigil," than yes, he used magic to make "All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder" late.
12. Does Jim Lee draw this book any faster than All Star Batman?
Well, since it's over a month late, I'm gonna have to say "no." I love me some Jim Lee, and who doesn't, but I find it disappointing that the launch title for yet another relaunch of the Wildstorm Universe is late.
Image couldn't get this book out on time when they started in the early 90s, they couldn't figure out what to do with it during the mid-late 90s, relaunched as Volume 2 (which didn't seem to work), relaunched again as v3.0, tried to increase sales with the Coup d'Etat series, cancelled again, and now, again, back to the beginning. Hopefully the fifth time's the charm.
13. Is Jim Lee ashamed that Whilce Portacio got Wetworks out a full month ahead of Wildcats #1?
One would have to assume so.
Because this is Silver Age WildCATS pop-comics mixed with magic, baby! Jim-Lee-via-George-Perez-plus-Jim-Steranko, plus the best sigils a hand job can buy!
15. How many Morrisonisms does the issue contain?
About as many as the answer above.
16. Does Alan Moore make a guest appearence?
A very brief one, and only to tell the reader he doesn't want any of your money. No, really, he doesn't. Not a cent. Nope.
17. Isn't Grifter dead?
Yes! Grifter died in Captain Atom: Armageddon #8, only to be reborn the next issue, along with the rest of the Wildstorm Universe. You see, Captain Atom crossed over to the Wildstorm Universe from the DC Universe in order to show them how to sell a comic book. Universe-spanning Crisis? That's money, my friend. Universe-spanning Crisis, with relaunched titles by Grant Morrison, Jim Lee, Gail Simone, Brian Azzarello, Gene Ha, and others? That's a lot of money, my friend. Remember, destroying the universe for financial gain is ok, as long as you put it back together when you're done with it.
From the Wikipedia listing:
In 1991, Jim Lee began attempts to aquire the rights to make a comic book series based on the 1986 Goldie Hawn football film "Wildcats". With a verbal agreement, Lee began working on the series, planning to update the core football concept for the more "eXtreme" comic book buying audience of the 1990s. But, in early 1992, negotiations stalled when Lee realized he would not be able to get the rights to the characters of Trumaine and Krushinski, portrayed by rising stars Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.
With few option available to him and looming deadlines, Lee decided to rework the art and script. He decided to elevate the core football game concept to that of a war between alien cultures, the Kherubim and Daemonites.
If you read the first issue carefully you can still see some scenes that were originally written for the football field and it is clear that Zealot was meant to be Goldie Hawn's character, Spartan was Woody Harrelson, and that Grifter was Wesley Snipes.
19. At what point can we sue Jim Lee for failing to ever make use of the "covert" part of "Covert Action Team"?
In the actual, legal sense of suing someone? Never. It is very doubtful that you (or anyone) would be able to prove that the comics audience at large was ever directly affected by the entirely non-covert nature of a comic book superhero team. You would be hit with large legal fees for even trying to bring up such a useless, empty threat of a lawsuit and Jim Lee would continue to roll swim in his gigantic piles of money like some Asian-American Scrooge McDuck. We instead suggest that you hit up Petition Online, as that's free of charge, and slightly less useless than a frivolous class action suit.
20. Was "Wildcats" ever a good name for a superhero team?
Yes, in the 90s, when everyone had names like Deadpool, Deathblow, Bloodshot, Deathstrike, Fighting Zebra, Vintage Crusher, Golddigger, Winged Beavers, and Wampus Cats. It was a perfect blend of violence and high school sports team names. Semper Fi!
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