By the YMB Staff.

Which we are happy to provide you with now (don't say we never got you nothin'):

ITEM!: Harold "Michael" Perrineau will in fact be returning for season 3, but in flashbacks only. These will be extra footage of his quest for Walt that took place throughout Season 2. By contract, he must shout "He's my boy!", "Walt!", or "I'm his father!" once in each scene he's featured in.

"OZ IS TEARING ME APART!"

ITEM!: Executives at ABC still reeling from Nipplegate (The Jackson/Timberlake Super Bowl incident) are feeling skittish about the upcoming episode that focuses on Vincent the Magical Dog. While they are confident that the canine-centric episode will draw the younger viewers, they are afraid of a viewer backlash to the twenty-three minutes that are devoted to Vincent licking himself.

Notice: That scene will last for twenty-three minutes.

"YOU'D DO IT TOO."

ITEM!: In Libby news, Cynthia Watros' character will continue to make more appearances dead than she did alive. Look for her to appear as a patient of Jack's father, to share a jail cell with a fugitive Kate for drunk driving, as a groupie backstage at a Driveshaft show, passing the hand towels to Sun in a South Korean bathroom; and then walking through a door held by Jin, riding the bus that drove past Michael just seconds after he was struck by the car, and in a Marrakesh opium den owned and operated by one Mr. Eko. She will receive no dialogue.

As the mysterious "Others" have taken Jack, Sawyer, and Kate hostage and the explosion at the hatch have led to the disappearances of Mr Eko and John Locke, look for a new Lostaway to step up as leader of the 'tribe.' Marine biologist in training Phil Reinhardt (played by Ted "Soap, Blossom" Wass) tries to assert himself as the new leader of the group, meeting conflict with Sayid and Charlie.
After a three episode run (including flashbacks where we learn his reasons for dropping out of marine biology school- his tuition ran out!) detailing this strife, he is eventually ousted from the Lostaway camp once it is revealed that he had served up the mummified corpses of "Adam and Eve" (mysterious mummies found in the grotto in Season 1) as boar jerky. Will he join the mysterious "Others?" That friends, is a question for Lost Season 5!

"I work for food! This show's
earned me thirty turkeys!"

ITEM!: The mysterious secret of the Black Rock is finally revealed! A flashback set in the 1600's (filmed with the assistance of Gore Verbinski on the set of Pirates of the Carribbean 2: The Black Pearl- synergy!) will detail the mysterious pull of the mysterious island as the Portugese slave ship The Black Rock is mysteriously shipwrecked on the mysterious island when they follow a mysterious signal thought to be the mysterious, mythological Siren...that is actually the voice of the mysterious Danielle Rousseau, her voice mysteriously transmitted back from the 21st century to the 16th! Mysterious!

ITEM!: Product Placement! Season 3 of LOST will feature what producers are hoping to be a subtle change to viewers, namely the introduciton of product placement to the mysterious island. Although the hatch is no more, the mysterious airdrops will continue from the Dharma Corporation...only this season will see that Dharma has upgraded from it's own generic products! Borderline insane Frenchwoman/hermit Danielle Rousseau will be able to shave her armpits with the new Gillette Venus razors for women! Will Hurley be able to control his eating disorder when faced with a rainstorm...of Cocoa Puffs? He's cuckoo for them! And sadly, John Locke will find himself once again paralyzed when struck by an airborne can of Chef Boyardee Pasta Roni.

The identity of the 'Great Man' as mentioned by the Others will be revealed...and he is *not* the man who called himself Henry Gale. The real identity of the mysterious figure behind the Others? Funnyman Tim Allen, reprising his role as "Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor" from the 1990's hit TV program "Home Improvement. ABC is hoping he can bring his own special brand of ratings magic back to the network with this very special role. Our reporter is betting...he can.

"Let me in there Wilson, I'll get that hatch open
with a little manly ability. *moronic grunting*"

ITEM!: ABC will be taking bigger and bolder risks than ever before with Season 3- and NOT with the lifes of the Lostaways! This season will feature more corporate synergy than ever before. Hurley will hallucinate that he is on the hit ABC reality program "Dancing With the Stars," in a hilarious twist Sawyer will reveal his secret obsession with 'Desperate Housewives," and more of the tragic past between long-lost lovers Desmond and Penelope will be revealed in a special episode, shot entirely at the Epcot Center.

I don't think anybody actually goes to this place.

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