IN A STATE THAT'S A SICKENING SHADE OF BLUE

by Grandma Dandy

Being a Republican in the northeastern United States is something that's becoming harder and harder. With the political climate in this country being roughly akin to two mentally handicapped adults fighting over whose going to get to stick their dick in the toaster first, I’ve learned that it’s often just best not to talk about politics at all. But, since I’m an asshole, I find it hard to keep quiet when I hear some of the "wordpoop" spewing from both sides of the aisle. So here I sit, ready to make a stand. YES, I am a Republican. YES, I know what they stand for. And if you have a problem with that, do me a favor: Don’t tell me what a douche I am for choosing a party, because at least I possess the testicular fortitude to pick something and vote for it, as opposed to the 70% or so of the country who don’t bother voting. And I will even be courteous enough to explain why.

REPUBLICANS SHOWER REGULARLY
When I was a bashful young lass studying politics in New Haven, I would pass by the same group of unshowered and uneducated students in front of the library every day. They would stand there, and scream about how George Bush is destroying this country, how George Bush only cares about oil, and how George Bush is trying to create an evil empire. Well, kids, I've got some interesting tidbits of political information about how America works. Oil is what heats your home, it runs our cars, and it keeps porn stars slippery enough to make that loot. And I don’t know about the rest of this country, but I’m not goddamn riding a bicycle to work every day, nor will I give up my slippery, slippery porno. Interesting fact number two: Even if George bush creates his evil empire, I think our old buddy, MR. FUCKING CONSTITUTION says he has to be out of his nice house in Washington in 2008, no matter what. And the worst thing about these smarmy hippies was that as soon as you tried to engage them in some sort of intelligent discourse, they would scream at you about how I'm what's wrong with America and how I’m a Nazi for supporting Bush. So I shook my head, knowing that I was different from Nazis. They supported the destruction of a specific group of people based on appearance and religious belief, while I believe in the extermination of all life on the planet, just because it's sometimes fun to scream out "Shenanigans!" and start from scratch.
Step off Smelly Liberal.

I SUPPORT WAR BECAUSE IT'S A GOOD EXCUSE TO START ANOTHER WAR
In all the history of mankind, there is no direct proof that war has ever hurt anyone. Just imagine what kind of a population problem we would have right now if people just decided to calmly settle their differences with polite talk and hugging. But ask a liberal, and every war is a bad idea. "I DONT WANT OUR TROOPS TO DIE OVERSEAS!!!" they always shout. Time to be realistic. If you don’t want to die, then don’t join the goddamn army. We don’t give them guns just because the wood paneling on the handle matches both their hair and their eyes. It is terrible that out soldiers have to give up their lives to protect us, but it’s kind of in the job description when you sign up. Do we have to put up a disclaimer at recruiting stands now? Warning: Fighting in a war may cause death and/or dying. And whether or not you supported going into Iraq, bailing out of it in the middle of an insurgency may not establish the best political climate for that country. We all know what the rules are: He who has the C4 strapped to his chest makes the rules. Besides, we all know Iraq is just a springboard into other countries such as Iran, Syria, New Zealand, Burma, South Africa, North Africa, Canada, Mexico, Florida, China, and Mongolia. There you have it kids, Grandma's Predictions of the next 11 wars this country is going to get into. And for those of you who are wondering why I haven’t been committed or on and episode of Cops, the next section ought to show you why.

IT’S OK TO DISAGREE, JUST SO LONG AS YOU DONT DISAGREE WITH ME
One of the biggest problems in this country is that people aren’t allowed to disagree anymore. You get two responses. "You're a stupid hippy liberal" or "You're a warmongering Nazi Republican" and in truth, neither are usually accurate. Yes, sometimes one or both can be true, such as that unkempt group of stoned jackasses protesting everything within fifteen feet of them outside of the library at my old college. Or the poor old dirt farmer with a swastika tattooed on his forehead firing a 12 gauge into the air, constantly worried the King of England is going to return and take away his right to bear arms. But for the most part, most people are like me. They believe what they believe, and its ok for people to disagree with them, just so long as you can back up insane rhetoric with some reasonably intelligent arguments. I looked long and hard at both parties (not really. I just like executions) and decided to make a choice.

ELEPHANTS CAN KICK DONKEYS’ ASSES AS LONG AS THE DONKEY ISN’T HIDING WMDS SOMEWHERE
Do I agree with all the policies and beliefs of my party? No. But do I believe that they stand for more of my beliefs? Yes. Do I only hang out with Republicans? No. My own brother is a liberal, and we seem to get along fine (after an incident with his hands around my throat and a knife against his, but that might have just been that game of Risk we were playing). Disagreement is the cornerstone of our political system, and without it, we would be a nation of robots. I will be goddamned if we end up like those damn mechanized Swedes, so I say to my fellow citizens: Pick something to believe in and stand by it, and that is all it takes to earn your right to an opinion with politics around me. The people who bitch the most about politics are often the people who have never voted in their lives, so the next time someone calls you out on your beliefs, ask them if they voted. If they say NO, then feel free to either walk away or light them on fire and then walk away.

Discuss this article in our forum.