by Jim Dandy

I demolish video games. I buy them and then beat the living hell out of them. I can’t think of a game I own that took me more than one week from purchase to completion, with the exception of a couple of sports games where there aren’t enough hours in a week to completely defeat them.

The same applies to Tiger Woods golf. It all started senior year of college, when the six of us living in the house would grab a 30 pack and play Tiger 2003 for a dollar a hole. I started out terribly, but the second I played, particularly when against other people, my competitive nature completely overwhelmed any sense I might have had. I would throw myself completely into the game, ignoring everything around me—my girlfriend, eating, time of day. It was just smoke, shoot, drink. Smoke, shoot, drink. Cigarettes, for those of you wondering.

The next year, I got Tiger 2004 for Christmas. I loved every second of it, but all my old roommates had separated and scattered to the four winds, as we are prone to do at the end of college. So I played alone, trying to rack up ridiculous scores and then bragging about how awesome I was on whatever message board I happened to be a member of at that time. By the way, I am a reasonably well-adjusted, normal, socially capable (some may even say adept) young man. Sure, I’m a little husky, but SHUT UP YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME! My original quest was to get everything there was to get, unlock everything, win every trophy. Once I finished that, it started to be scoring records—birdie every hole, eagle 7 holes, shoot under 200 for a tournament.

A few months ago, I grabbed Tiger 2006, and it was like riding a bike (except with the changes to the putting, at first it was like riding a bike, trying to stop in front of your house and ending up two states over. I hated it. Then I adjusted). And the old scoring goals went out the window right quick. So about a week ago, I realized it may be possible for me to shoot –100 for a full tournament. That’s –25 for each round. There are only 18 holes in a round. Seven eagles, 11 birdies. And I realized after the first round of the British Open (on the St. Andrews course) that it could be possible.

Round 1: I shot a 47, exactly 25 shots under par.

Round 2: I shot a 48. I was all kinds of pissed.

Round 3: One of the most ridiculous rounds I’ve ever played in this game. Knocked down a 111-foot putt, a 73-foot putt, dropped an ace (a hole in one, for those who aren’t hip to the jive lingo) on the 8th hole, then did the same on the 9th. With a driver. I shot a 44 to go to –77 for the tournament.

Round 4:
Hole 1: I drove the green off the tee, hitting the ball within 2 feet of the pin. I eagled (which I’ve done 4 times in 4 rounds on this hole) to bring myself to –79.

Hole 2: I figured out that this might work as a column. I also came to the realization that I am a hopeless dork and made plans to drink until I forget, shortly after completing the round. Birdie. –80

Hole 3: Squeak in an uphill putt for birdie. –81

Hole 4: Can I just say I hate the voices in this game? And the damn soundtrack? The soundtrack is like goddamn lounge techno, except for that one Dave Matthews song, which isn’t much better. And the voices, dear God. EA was all like “Look at how much control you have over your character!” And when you make your guy, you choose from one of 5 voices, and then pick how much helium you want it to suck in. Is there any idiot out there besides the 5 people they recorded who says “Oh crap, that sounds just like me!” Birdie. –82

Hole 5: Well that’s just lovely. I missed about 6 inches to the right off the tee on a par 5, and now I have a 225 yard second shot. Missed the green. Birdie on a par 5. Not good. -83

Hole 6: Gotta crap.
That wasn’t nearly as bad as it felt. By the way, Ipod solitaire is hard. The headphones are on, a cigarette has been smoked. It’s time to enter the zone. I promptly blow the drive, hitting it about 20 yards shorter than I would like and leaving myself a tough second shot. Which I hit pretty well. Birdie. –84

Hole 7: It’s time to start hitting eagles. There we go. Green in one, 24 foot putt for eagle. –86

Hole 8: Par 3. Let’s see if I can hole it. Nope. 3 inches left. Tap in for birdie. –87

Hole 9: This was the crazy par 4 hole in one last round. Can I do it again? No, but the pin placement was all the way at the back of the green. I left it 8 feet short and right. Eagle. –89

Hole 10: And the goddamn face animations suck, too. You hit a good shot, then it cuts to your face saying "Oh yeah!" only you look like you've popped your jaw out and you're getting ready to shove a whole rat down your gullet. Missed a 38 foot eagle putt. Birdie. –90

Hole 11: Knock down a 29 foot putt for birdie. –91

Hole 12: Drove it a good way past the hole. Came back and knocked down a 68 foot putt for eagle. –93 with 6 to play.

Hole 13: FUCKING CAMERA ANGLE! SHOW THE CLOSE SHOT SO I CAN SPIN THE DAMN BALL! The camera angle off of drives is usually right behind the ball, so you can see where on (or off) the fairway your ball is going. Instead, on this fucking hole, the goddamn camera goes to a far shot, like you’re a goddamn spectator standing by the green. It did the SAME GODDAMN THING to me last round on this hole, and I ended up in the rough. This (retarded camera angles) has been a problem with every Tiger game I’ve ever played. I left a 167 yard second shot six inches left of the hole. Tap in for birdie. –94 with 5 to play. It’s going to come down to needing an eagle on 18, I know it. This sucks.

Hole 14: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Holed out from 200 yards for double eagle. –97 with 4 to play!

Hole 15: Blow the 20 foot birdie putt. Par. –97 with 3 to play.

Hole 16: Pressure’s starting to build. I’m sweating like a pig. Focus is starting to go. I think I have the runs. Holy shit. Eagle from 79 yards out. Maybe it’s food poisoning. –99 with 2 to play.

Hole 17: I feel the controller starting to crap out on me. Dear God don’t do this. Holy fuck. Birdie. –100

Hole 18: All I have to do is par, and I can drive the green in one if I hit it right. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH EAGLE PUTT FROM 45 FEET! -102! I AM THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME GOLFER OF ALL TIME!

Final 4 round scores: 47, 48, 44, 47 for a total of 186, 102 shots under par.

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