by Jim Dandy

As 2005 passes into the history books, we're being innundated with lists, retrospectives, z-level celebreties and hal sparks serenading us with snarky odes to the year gone past. We're doing none of that. It takes real, hard-hitting journalism to provide you with a retrospective look at the year to come. So now, after extensive peering into YMB's house crystal ball, consultation with a ouija board, and two and a half hours with an obese Carribean woman from southeast Queens, YMB is proud to present:

2006: The Year that Was

January:
President George W. Bush praises embattled adviser Karl Rove in his State of the Union address, saying
"Karl's doin a heck of a job." Three weeks later, Mr. Rove's body is found, purple and more bloated than usual, washed up on the side of the Potomac River. Curly white hairs found on the body were originally speculated to belong to former First Lady Barbara Bush, but were later traced to some Puerto Rican guy.

Februrary:
After scoring a game winning goal for the United States' hockey team in the Winter Olympics, Keith Tkachuk skates to the opposite end of the ice, drops to his knees and pulls his shirt off. NBC is fined a record $10 million for the uncensored look at such an ample bosom.

March
Bill O'Reilly is slapped with another sexual harassment suit, this time after cornering the CEO of the Cadbury Chocolate company, dropping his pants, and demanding that the head of Cadbury "get down on his knees and thank Jesus for Easter."

April:
Lane Bryant unveils their "Screw You, I'm Hot" line of two piece bikinis. Two months later, the states of Florida, Texas, California and both Carolinas declare an environmental crisis, citing the 3 million gallons of human vomit polluting their most popular beaches. Maine, vacation destination to thousands of Canadians, spearheads the cleanup effort.

May:
Credit card companies have their best month in 4 years. Industry analysts attribute the increase in profits to the fact that just about everyone I know was born in May.

June:
The Nashville Predators win their first Stanley Cup in franchise history. Nobody cares.

July:
Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi appears in his first All-Star game in 2 years after hitting .305 with 23 home runs in the first half of the season. It is his defense, however, that earns him accolades, as he becomes the Yankees' every-day first baseman. The solution to his throwing woes was apparently the third arm growing out of the top of his left shoulder, created by Giambi's admitted "accidental" ingestion of 4 gallons of Human Growth Hormone. The third arm changes the delivery angle of Giambi's throws, allowing him to be more accurate.

August:
After ratings of the now-unpopular show "America's Most Wanted" go down the toilet, John Walsh goes on a 4-day coke binge, killing three people. He is finally apprehended standing naked over the rotting corpse of that broad with the crazy hair from the "Don't talk to strangers" video. Crucial to the pursuit and capture of Mr. Walsh is Metamorpho's severed left ass cheek.

September:
Batman, to the shock and dismay of Gotham's socialite class, changes the primary color of his costume to white on September 8, 4 days after Labor Day. He reportedly implemented the change "just to be a dick." Also, since the trend of May births does not appear to be letting up, lots of people have sex. The author is not one of them.

October:
Halloween-related vandalism spikes 350%, and arrests increase 200%. Liberal experts point to the economic recession, blaming President Bush for the downturn in the economy, which led to less and poorer quality candy being handed out. Conservative bloggers rejected the idea and instead placed blame on "the urbanization of Halloween."

November:
Stunning results in the mid-term congressional elections: voters, dissatisfied with the widespread corruption in Washington Republicans, and without Democrats providing a desirable alternative, hand control of Congress to the Disney corporation after Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck win hundreds of elections across the country. Much to the dismay of religious conservatives throughout the country, third on Disney's list of legislative goals is to establish Gay Week in Congress. Much to the relief of just about everyone, second on Disney's list of legislative goals is to "fix that thing with Stuart Scott's eye."

December:
A staff writer for YMB takes his own life. In the suicide note, the writer blames "years and years of horrible predictions." Cause of death is given as a snapped neck from attempted self-fellating.



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