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by Grandma
A couple days ago, I woke up, poured some coffee, and sat down to watch television before going to work. As I was flipping through, I stumbled upon "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer. The man has more energy that a tweaked-out crackhead holding a samurai sword. After a few minutes of watching this man smash his hands into his phone boards and computer, I turned off the television and went to get ready for work. Later that day, I noticed something strange. While on my break at work, I was channel surfing and once again stumbled across Jim Cramer, who was now flying around the soundstage and had, what appeared to be, the severed head of a puppy in his jaws. Being the good little republican that I am, I ran out of work and to the nearest church to begin praying. I was smacking myself with a bible and asking God's forgiveness for watching any other news broadcast than the Divine Fox News when a theory began to form in my head as to the origin of Jim Cramer. Surely this man could not be a human, because no matter what time of the day I turn on the television, he is on. Never a repeat, never a break, the "man" appears to have a limitless well of energy. So I constructed my "3 theories of the Cramer".
Theory 1: Jim Cramer is a Vampire
I know what a lot of you are thinking, "I see Jim Cramer on all day long and you said there were never any repeats." You’re right. There aren’t, but notice also there are no windows in his studio, leaving him free to stalk the soundstage until nighttime again comes, at which point the interns who scored the lowest on their 90-day reviews are fed to the beast, giving him the energy to manipulate the stock market (a plan he formed in the late 1800's with a young up-and-coming vampire named Uziel, who eventually broke away from the Cramer Creature to form his own news outlets after changing his name to Rupert Murdoch) so that his show’s predictions are never wrong, engendering the trust of the nation. Once he has this trust, he and his legion of dark servants will strike, using an illegal stockpile of military satellites to bring eternal night to the world, making it a world of vampires.
Theory 2: Jim Cramer is a Robot
"Jim Cramer," the codename given to the secret military project in the late 1960s, was a machine meant to subvert foreign stock exchanges by telling all the citizens when to buy and when to sell. He proved to be a tremendous success overseas (where, exactly, is still classified by the military) when something went horribly wrong. Jim Cramer, like all killing machines, eventually developed a taste for prescription medications. Since painkillers were his strongest fuel source, and the average American is on 3 or more medications every day, the machine returned to the United States, to form his own show and follow through on his original programming, DESTROY STOCK MARKET. So every day he runs around his show making his predictions, and during each commercial break, he leaps into the audience to root through purses and jackets for more pills to fuel his cold machine heart (and to kill anyone who he thought wasn't applauding his picks enough).
Theory 3: Jim Cramer Controls a Lazarus Pit
In the late 1890's a young man named Jim Cramer set out to South America, in search of ancient Mayan ruins for a college internship. While studying a long abandoned temple, Jim Cramer fell through a section of loose flooring and into a previously undiscovered chamber underneath the pyramid. His legs badly broken, and with no one close enough to hear his pleas for help, young Cramer looked around to discover a strangely glowing pool. Dragging himself over to it for a closer inspection, Cramer accidentally fell into the pit. Miraculously, his legs began to heal; as did all the other ailments he had felt over the years. Unfortunately, this "youthanizing" we shall say, drove Cramer mad. He rose from the pit and killed all the other members of his expedition, including one young Chilean guide named Paulo, who was going to use the money from leading these expeditions, as well as the money he made doing some…films, to build a new life for him, his wife, his 23 children, and his wife’s deflated uterus. He resealed the pit and returned to America. Now, before each episode of “Mad Money”, Cramer must be dunked in the liquid he has transported to the United States to have the energy to get through another 23-hour shift on CNBC. Unfortunately, the pit still drives him mad after each treatment, so he goes on killing sprees throughout his willing studio audience, venting 116 years of rage and hatred upon his huddled masses.
Imagine if you will, sitting in front of a television at 9 am, 6 pm, 10pm, and midnight through 4am, and every time you turn on CNBC, Cramer is there. Because he is, and he is watching you more than you watch him. He makes Santa Claus look like that pervert who only comes around when you are about to get in the shower, but how he knows that…is anyone’s guess. Be it a bloodsucking immortal, a pill popping machine, or a crazy old man who jumps into the Eternal Hot Tub of Youth, Jim Cramer is not a man to be trusted. The network that puts him on has been aware of his evil for some time now, but is too afraid to try and stop him. This is why I appeal to Fox News, the only station that apparently has Jesus on its side, to step in and stop this man-monster-machine. If allowed to run wild, he could be the death of not only millions, but the destruction of our stock market as well.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 10:00 PM
In the time since my last FFW review, I've seen at least a couple dozen films, mostly from Asia and Europe, quite a few of them in the last few weeks as the All-region, and region-3 DVD editions of the Asian holiday season releases finally became available here in the states. Below I've summarized my response to the six new films: dramas, horror movies and fantasy-action-comedy hybrids, that made the strongest positive impression on me. I've also added my 'second thoughts' on two action films I gave a second viewing.
Without question the strongest foreign films I’ve seen over the last three months are, The Duelist, Election and Head On.
The Korean novel Damo is a complex, multi-faceted tale of a highly skilled 17th century undercover policewoman who, while investigating an widespread counterfeiting conspiracy finds herself caught between her loyalty to her adopted brother and commanding officer, and a charismatic revolutionary who might just be her real, flesh and blood brother. The story features a large supporting cast, much intrigue and the occasionally, huge battle scenes. It was adapted for television a couple of years ago, and became one of the most widely seen miniseries (14 episodes) in Asia a couple of years back.
Director Lee Myung-Se wisely pares down the complex story of Damo for Duelist (Korea, 2005) placing the emphasis on the doomed attraction between the two young people, whose only common ground, is their incomparable skills at knife, sword and staff fighting. For them, it’s virtually a language of lethal movement. In Lee's version of the tale, a crude, tomboyish 17th Century policewoman finds herself unaccountably attracted to an elfin assassin at the center of a grand conspiracy to destabilize the economy. As the two are near polar opposites, as well as being on opposing sides of a lethal conflict, their infatuation with one another is sure-fire recipe for tragedy.
However, Lee Myung-Se surprises with his daring and inventive use of color and light use and startling changes in tone and tempo. You really do have to leave your preconceptions and expectations at the door before watching this film. Duelist mixes elements of lowbrow comedy, lethal martial arts action, a complex conspiracy and romantic fantasy adventure. Far more tightly paced than the director’s previous film, the self-indulgent but highly influential Nowhere to Hide, Duelist is also a rare visual treat. The compositions, color, use of lighting, martial arts and dance choreography are simply stunning. Empty your head and Duelist will transport you. If you must, think of it as a great big live-action anime epic and you'll enjoy it just fine. Despite a tendency to polarize audiences, Duelist comes highly recommended. Region-3 editions are available.
Turkish director Faith Akin’s Head-On, (Germany, 2004) won a well-deserved Golden Bear at the 2004 Berlin Film Festival, and this engrossing drama is a gift to anyone who’s grown up in an immigrant household that followed different, much more constraining, rules than the rest of the world outside. As such, this intense story won my heart hands down. The film opens on the 40-year-old Cahit (Birol Unel) who is utterly convincing as a Turkish immigrant who long ago rejected his own culture, became a small time punk rocker.
His “moment” having long passed him by, Cahit ekes out a living collecting bottles and busing at a bar, and seems intent on killing himself slowly with alcohol. One night Cahit smashes his car into a brick wall and he winds up in a state-run mental hospital for observation. While the in-house counselors decide whether or not he’s too self-destructive for unsupervised existence, another patient, a failed suicide Sibel (and earnest, clear-eyed and sympathetic Sibel Kekilli) approaches him with a daring proposal. Desperate to escape the suffocating code of behavior that her immigrant parents insist she lives by as a young Muslim woman, Sibel proposes she and Cahit enter into a marriage of convenience. In her parents’ old world way of thinking, a woman is essentially chattel, and once married her parents will butt out of her life, leaving her free to party and generally find her own wild way in life. In return Sibel promises to keep Cahit in soaked in booze. He refuses, but Sibel persists, and eventually, she wears him down.
After a tense interlude where Sibel and Cahit struggle to convince her family that his proposal is sincere, they marry, and for a time the arrangement works. Sibel goes dancing every night, and beds a series of young men. In the distance, Cahit watches in amusement, drinks himself into happy stupors, and on occasion sleeps with another aging veteran of the German punk scene, Maren (Catrin Striebeck), a rather burnt out looking hairdresser. In time room mates Sibel and Cahit become loyal, if unlikely friends, but not before the contradictions of their arrangement catch up with them, making for riveting drama in the latter half of the film.
Available in a region-1 DVD edition, Head-On is highly recommended, especially for anyone who has grown up trapped between two cultures.
Election (Hong Kong, 2005) is an excellent ensemble drama set in the tradition bound world of an old and powerful triad organization, the 50,000-member strong Woo Shing Society. Periodically, respected elders, "Uncles", led by Teng (Wong Tim Lam) elect an executive director, a Chairman, who leads the triad for limited terms. The current Chairman, "Whistle" (Wang Chung), is due to step down, and two high ranking capos, the calm, collected politician, Lok (Simon Yam) and an aggressive fire-brand "Big D" (Tony Leung Ka-Fai) are vying to become the next Chairman.
The story takes us up and down the ranks of the organization. We witness Lok and Big D's political maneuvering before the "Uncles' vote, followed by a proxy war for possession of a physical token of triad leadership, the Dragon Head Baton, hidden away in Mainland China. This race involves and consumes soldiers from all levels of the organization: an intelligent and slick capo (Lous Koo), the pathological Jet (Nick Cheung), the hard core Kun (Lam Ka-Tung) and the righteous, if dim, Big Head (Lam Suet).
Reportedly To's depiction of the rules and customs governing triad life is based on extensive research. If so, it makes fascinating viewing. To manages a great balance between tense debates and negotiations involving Uncles, under-bosses and pragmatic high ranking police officers, and shocking bursts of violence between the foot soldiers, where knives, sticks, cars and pieces of broken furniture, and not words, are the elements of daily "discourse". Ironies and absurdities abound, as the conflict between triad "righteousness" and machiavellian maneuvering keeps coming to the fore.
To’s multi-level, realistic approach is refreshing and exciting, and the acting is uniformly excellent. (In comparison, John Woo's similarly themed Just Heroes (1987) plods in comparison.) Stylistically, the only recent Hong Kong drama that compares is Derek Yee's true-life urban drama One Nite in Mongkok (2004). To's Election is just as uncompromising, and ultimately, even more nihilistic: it's also more entertaining, and in some ways much more satisfying. Highly recommended. Available in 2-disc and single disc HK all-region DVD editions. A sequel just wrapped in Hong Kong.
Of Current Interest:
I had to watch the first two films in Park Chan Wook’s trilogy on the theme of revenge, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance and Oldboy twice over, to get over the shocks, before I could appreciate the films for what they are: black comedies based on a pitliless view of life. I had no such problems with Park’s newest film, the last in the trilogy: Sympathy for Lady Vengeance (South Korea, 2005).
Shot with the same “diamond cutters eye” for precise, sharp-edged, striking composition, Lady Vengeance (the international release title), is the story of a woman, Geum-Ja, who confesses to kidnapping and murder. Thirteen years later, she emerges from prison complete with a network of eager ex-cons and methodically begins working toward her revenge. Though a few surreal shots and quick cuts caught me by surprise, I found “Lady Vengeance” to be a twisted joy (repeat viewings of the earlier films have had an effect: I can apprehend Park’s dark sense of humor). Ultimately, Geum-Ja’s story celebrates both the strangely life-affirming and communal possibilities of revenge, as well as the outer limits of the therapeutic function of the quest. Be forewarned however. While “Lady Vengeance” has it’s share of surprises, visual and otherwise, it’s also far more evenly paced than the jolting Oldboy. It’s also brighter (if that is the right word) than the bleak, but funny “Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance.” Presently available in Region 3 DVD, I expect Lady Vengeance and region-1 dvd before the end of the year. Those jones-ing for Oldboy old boy shocks, are advised to check out Save the Green Planet (Korea, 2003) which recently came out in a Region-1 DVD edition.
Based on the novel Shimotsuma Story by the cult writer Novala Takemoto, the surprisingly successful Kamikaze Girls is a frenetic, and surprisingly entertaining journey through two clashing sub-cultures at the center of the wacked out media bath that comprises contemporary Japanese pop culture.
The film opens on Momoko (played by J-pop star Kyoko Fukada), a 17-year old devotee of the “Lolita Look”, wherein young women dress themselves in designer fashions based on the dress of the 18th Century French Court. Trapped in an isolated rural town some sixty miles outside metropolitan Tokyo, with her “useless” father, a former low-level yakuza, and her grandmother, Momoko retreats into her own (CGI-enhanced) fantasy world, an impregnable fortress where she idealizes the late Roccoco ethic of cultured hedonism and worships her favored fashion designers from afar. That’s when she isn’t scamming money from her idiotic father, or bilking people who buy his cheap second-rate knock offs of designer labels. Momoko needs a lot of clothing and accessories to buttress her rich internal fantasy world, and the “baby doll” look doesn’t come cheap.
Momoko’s glorious isolation is punctured when, answering one of her ads on the net, a snarling, foul-mouthed Ichiko (rocker Anna Tsuchiya) a young biker partial to heavy-metal hair, supe-ed up mopeds (complete with samurai-style cavalry banners) and embroidered dusters, comes charging up the dirt road to Momoko’s house, initiating one of the most unlikely partnerships I’ve ever seen on film. Momoko initially wants nothing to do with righteous, loud and obnoxious wild-child Ichiko, who worships a peculiar and storied variant of the ideology shared by yakuza and triad gangsters all over Asia (illustrated by animated sequences that recall the look of Samurai Jack).
Yet all- to-well aware on the essential fakery of such ideals, Ichiko instinctively admires Momoko’s stubborn insistence on living according to her own strange, if isolating rules. Another biker broad’s attempt to unify the local girl gangs, leads to a challenge being laid down that Ichiko cannot ignore, and this speeds the films resolution.
Refreshing and fun, Kamikaze Girls is available in both Region-1 and Region-3 DVD editions.
The Red Shoes (Korea, 2005) is a gorgeous, inventively shot drama about a truly put upon woman (Kim Hye Su) who gets NO breaks, whatsoever. Her husband despises and cheats on her, her child hates her, and her best friend is a obnoxious boor. Finally breaking with her husband, she tries to start her life over, opening up her own eye care business and making a new home for herself and her daughter when she stumbles upon a pair of irresistible high heel shoes which bring gruesome ends to some (but not all) of the women who wear them. While the plot rehashes elements from popular Japanese horror films from Asia Dark Water and The Ring, the film is redeemed by it’s fine cinematography and a the tour de force performance by Kim Hye Su in the leading role. Comparable to Isabelle Huppert’s star turn in The Piano Teacher Kim is amazing as a woman whose mind is cracking under the strain of trying to control her own long suppressed passion and emotions.
Outside of festival screenings, the film is currently available in a two disc region-3 DVD edition, which includes an English-subtitled theatrical cut and an unrated directors cut with an alternate (and to my mind, far superior) ending. Unfortunately the directors cut isn’t subtitled. If you've seen the first version, you can follow the unrated version fine: you don’t necessarily need subtitles to enjoy the cinematography, Kim Hye Su’s amazing performance, and the alternate ending. For those willing to spend the extra time and money, I think it’s worth it. Still, when a Region-1 edition of this film comes out, I hope they simply add subtitles to the unrated directors cut version instead. It's definitely the more satisfying version. (Why the Korean distributor didn’t just release a subtitled version of the director’s cut is utterly beyond me.)
Second Looks: Action Films.
Hailed as a throwback to the glory days of the early 90’s Hong Kong action cinema, a stylistic trend best exemplified by John Woo’s ‘bullet ballets’ like A Better Tommorrow 2, The Killer, Bullet in the Head and Hard Boiled, Sha Po Lang (Hong Kong, 2005) was one of the most anticipated films to come out of the former colony this year. I got to see it the first time a few months ago at the AFI Los Angeles Film Festival. (An uncut theatrical release version is now available in a Hong Kong all-region edition.) Then as now, I feel obliged to pass along a warning. SPL's spare script and the directors shooting style really calls for more nuanced talents like Tony Leung (either one), Andy Lau and Chow Yun-Fat in the three leading roles to really work. As it is, Donnie Yen and Sammo Hung, two great kung fu action stars and fight choreographers, don’t have the range as actors to really pull off their roles successfully, something made all the more apparent by the films relatively high production values. The exception here is Simon Yam, who plays a terminally ill but nevertheless hard charging and police commander. The character actors filling the secondary roles are fine, but aren’t given enough to do to compensate for the lack of completely compelling performances in two of the three principal roles.
The films saving grace are two well staged and lengthy fight scenes in the last third of the film: a savage fight between an assassin, played by a great Jackie Wu Jing, who wields a wicked looking knife, and Donnie Yen making skilled use of a collapsible steel police baton. This fight is followed by a brutal close quarter battle between Yen and Sammo Hung integrating ju-jitsu throws with intense ‘70’s old school’ hand-to-hand, and foot-to-head, blows. Alone these two scenes should satisfy, if not gratify, the fight scene-starved HK kung-fu movie fans out there. The fights are so well choreographed that I wish the filmmakers’ had chosen to develop three earlier scenes into full blown set peices: one where Donnie Yen knocks a suspect into an altered state of consciousness, a scene where Jacky Wu Jing takes out three cops in a row, and where Sammo Hung’s triad boss fights his way through a lobby full of cops. Personally I'm amazed they didn't.
A martial arts action-comedy Arahan (2004) is set in contemporary Seoul, where an ineffective rookie cop Sang Hwan (Ryu Seong-Beum) gets his ass kicked by low-level thugs. A chance meeting with an easily irritated young Taoist super-woman Wi-jin (Yoon So-Yi), leads to the discovery by her father, Ja-Woon (Ahn Sung-Ki), an acupuncturist and one of the most powerful Taoist martial arts masters alive, that Ryu has superhuman potential. Not that such powers and abilities counts for a lot in contemporary Seoul. Constricted by an ethical code, the other Taoist super-humans are reduced to telling fortunes and other demeaning uses of their abilities to make a living. For his part, Sang Hwan just wants to be able to fight effectively, and has to be dragged kicking and screaming into adopting the spare regimen of super-humans-in-training, a lifestyle utterly divorced from life in contemporary Seoul. However when a dangerous Taoist master (martial arts director Jeon Du-Hong), is freed from his tomb (where the other Taoist masters locked him away decades ago) rejuvenates himself, and starts knocking off the other Taoist adepts, looking for a key to even greater power, ready or not, the next generation, Wijin and the hapless Sang Hwan, have to step up and face the ultimate badass, to prevent him from becoming a cross between Superman and Stalin.
The sequence where the Sang-Hwan slowly adapts to his new lifestyle could have been more tightly edited, and the scenes where Ja Woon and Wijin bicker get a bit tiring (after a while, I wanted to tell the bitch to give the poor schmuck a break.) Otherwise, production values are high and the actors are uniformly good in their roles. (As ever Ahn Sung-Ki and Jeon Du-Hong are excellent). Comic relief comes courtesy Sang-Hwan and the other Taoist Elders, and Jeon Du-Hong’s action scenes (which are concentrated in the latter half of the film) are fun and exciting. Available in Region 3 (Asia) and Region 2 (UK) editions.
Won Kim's Foreign Film Watch: Lethal Loves
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:00 AM
By Ben Heller
Thanks to the never-ending graciousness of the World Wide Internet and its many, many users, I was able to, um, “listen” to an inordinate amount of music once again this year. So with apologies to the numerous albums I didn’t listen to more than once or twice, here’s a vaguely brief list of my 25 (or so) favorite albums of the year before I turn 30 and lose any remaining credibility I once had…
25. Teenage Fanclub – Man Made/The Posies – Every Kind Of Light
Nice to know that my two favorite pop bands from High School still know how to make a decent record.
24. The Game – The Documentary
Forget for a second that Brian Austin Green could do justice to these A-list tracks, “The Documentary” is the first “Gangsta Rap” I’ve heard in a long, long time that actually sounds like it was recorded by a “Gangsta.”
23. The High Dials – War of the Wakening Phantoms
Not nearly as trippy as the name suggests, but it’s beautifully psychedelic (though unfortunately lengthy) nonetheless.
22. The Living Things – Ahead of the Lions
Clearly their goal was to sound like The Stooges…and they kind of do. But they’d probably start a fight with you if you told them they also sound like Stone Temple Pilots…and they kind of do.
21. Wolf Parade – Apologies to the Queen Mary
One singer sounds just like Beck. The other just like Modest Mouse’s Isaac Brock (who actually produced this). Some of this album – “Shine a Light,” “This Heart’s On Fire” – is brilliant. A good chunk of it is just merely there.
20. Dr. Dog – Easy Beat
Quite possibly the first band to ever bypass trying to sound like The Beatles and opt for Badfinger instead. And yes, I have a dog named Doc, but he’s not named for this band. That credit goes to “Lost.”
19. Rogue Wave – Descended Like Vultures
Wussy indie rock. But whatever, I dig the dude’s voice.
18. The Click Five – Greetings from Imrie House
“Just the Girl” is “She Loves You.” “Catch Your Wave” is “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” Thus, they were marketed to 12-year old girls, but this music encompasses the sound and spirit of The Beatles way more than Lennon worshippers like Oasis and Olivia Tremor Control ever could. Will they eventually put out a “Sgt. Pepper?” Doubtful. But considering they met at Berklee, you never know…
17. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
With a horrible name and an Internet hype machine working overtime, they came to bat with two strikes against them. But just like the recently deceased Johnny Damon, they managed to come through. Forget fancily produced bands like Interpol and the Arcade Fire. THIS is indie rock. Rough, sloppy and sounding like it was created in someone’s basement. Granted it sounds suspiciously like David Byrne’s basement, but you could pick a worse cellar to hang out in.
16. Franz Ferdinand – You Could Have it So Much Better/The White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan
Yup, sounds just like ‘em.
15. The Hold Steady – Separation Sunday
There’s nothing I can add about them that hasn’t already been written 10,000 times, so do a google search or something.
14. Kanye West – Late Registration
Probably the first instance of an album being named Album of the Year by numerous publications merely because said artist complained about not getting enough respect. Which is fine and all, but some of this (the song with Brandy, anyone?) just sort of blows.
13. Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
Kind of uneven and sloppy – but in a good sort of way.
12. Sufjan Stevens – Illinoise
First of all, I could give a shit about his ambition to make 50 albums and name each after one of the 50 States. I have two of this dude’s albums and can barely make it through either of them. And yes, some of this record is absolutely phenomenal, but it’s WAY too long. And it’s not that it simply is long, it’s that it FEELS long. It makes the new King Kong seem about as long as an episode of Magilla Gorilla.
11. Magnolia Electric Co. – What Comes After the Blues/ Trials and Errors
A small country-rock record and a loud, live, Crazy-Horse like bohemoth made it a very good year for itsy-bitsy Neil Young disciple Jason Molina.
10. Animal collective – Feels
The mid section of this album – featuring one “song” containing little more than mumbling and a harp – shows they still haven’t completely forgotten how to suck, but when they relent and create actual songs, this shit really is bananas.
9. Okkervil River – Black Sheep Boy
A little bit country, a little bit goth and roll.
8. Deftones – B Sides & Rarities
First off, props to them for not titling this record “B-dazzled,” “Cover to Cover” or some other doofusy pun. It tells it like it is. And on top of that, try to name another band that could pull off covers of everything from Sade to Jawbox to The Cure to Lynyrd Skynrd to The Cocteau Twins to The Smiths to Helmet and Duran Duran.
7. New Pornographers – Twin Cinema
Every bit as good as their first two records, only with amped-up production that adds a little bit more power to their pop.
6. Devin Davis – Lonely People of the World, Unite!
Some of the lyrics are pretty cringe-inducing once he starts railing against Starbucks and boy bands, but this is one-man bedroom pop as it should be. And it’s merely A THIRD as long as the new Eels record
5. And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead – Worlds Apart
For all the good that Pitchfork Media does in getting the names of new bands into the heads of kids (and, um, older kids) all over the world, they can also do their share of damage. Once their shit smearing review of this album came out – comparing it to Counting Crows and Gin Blossoms, two things it sounds nothing like whatsoever – every internet “critic” started ripping it apart so much that by Spring it had thousands upon thousands of new assholes. But shitting on the Trail of Dead just because they don’t sound EXACLTY like Sonic Youth anymore? I call bullshit. This record is a monster.
4. Matt Sweeney and Bonnie “Prince” Billy – Superwolf
I always wondered what Will Oldham’s stuff would sound like with a little added muscle. Now I know, and in no way is it as depressing.
3. Bloc Party – Silent Alarm
It’s great to hear a band that sound like they give a shit. It’ll be a shame once they “expand their sound” and start singing about fair trade, sex trafficking, and all sorts of other things they know absolutely nothing about.
2. My Morning Jacket – Z
Congrats to you if you managed to somehow make it through one of their last few records from start to finish more than once, but with this one (aside from the silly circusy track) it’s almost impossible not to. See what the wonders of editing can do?
1. Spoon – Gimme Fiction
Without a doubt the best band ever named after cutlery.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:00 AM
by Jim Dandy
As 2005 passes into the history books, we're being innundated with lists, retrospectives, z-level celebreties and hal sparks serenading us with snarky odes to the year gone past. We're doing none of that. It takes real, hard-hitting journalism to provide you with a retrospective look at the year to come. So now, after extensive peering into YMB's house crystal ball, consultation with a ouija board, and two and a half hours with an obese Carribean woman from southeast Queens, YMB is proud to present:
2006: The Year that Was
January:
President George W. Bush praises embattled adviser Karl Rove in his State of the Union address, saying
"Karl's doin a heck of a job." Three weeks later, Mr. Rove's body is found, purple and more bloated than usual, washed up on the side of the Potomac River. Curly white hairs found on the body were originally speculated to belong to former First Lady Barbara Bush, but were later traced to some Puerto Rican guy.
Februrary:
After scoring a game winning goal for the United States' hockey team in the Winter Olympics, Keith Tkachuk skates to the opposite end of the ice, drops to his knees and pulls his shirt off. NBC is fined a record $10 million for the uncensored look at such an ample bosom.
March
Bill O'Reilly is slapped with another sexual harassment suit, this time after cornering the CEO of the Cadbury Chocolate company, dropping his pants, and demanding that the head of Cadbury "get down on his knees and thank Jesus for Easter."
April:
Lane Bryant unveils their "Screw You, I'm Hot" line of two piece bikinis. Two months later, the states of Florida, Texas, California and both Carolinas declare an environmental crisis, citing the 3 million gallons of human vomit polluting their most popular beaches. Maine, vacation destination to thousands of Canadians, spearheads the cleanup effort.
May:
Credit card companies have their best month in 4 years. Industry analysts attribute the increase in profits to the fact that just about everyone I know was born in May.
June:
The Nashville Predators win their first Stanley Cup in franchise history. Nobody cares.
July:
Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi appears in his first All-Star game in 2 years after hitting .305 with 23 home runs in the first half of the season. It is his defense, however, that earns him accolades, as he becomes the Yankees' every-day first baseman. The solution to his throwing woes was apparently the third arm growing out of the top of his left shoulder, created by Giambi's admitted "accidental" ingestion of 4 gallons of Human Growth Hormone. The third arm changes the delivery angle of Giambi's throws, allowing him to be more accurate.
August:
After ratings of the now-unpopular show "America's Most Wanted" go down the toilet, John Walsh goes on a 4-day coke binge, killing three people. He is finally apprehended standing naked over the rotting corpse of that broad with the crazy hair from the "Don't talk to strangers" video. Crucial to the pursuit and capture of Mr. Walsh is Metamorpho's severed left ass cheek.
September:
Batman, to the shock and dismay of Gotham's socialite class, changes the primary color of his costume to white on September 8, 4 days after Labor Day. He reportedly implemented the change "just to be a dick." Also, since the trend of May births does not appear to be letting up, lots of people have sex. The author is not one of them.
October:
Halloween-related vandalism spikes 350%, and arrests increase 200%. Liberal experts point to the economic recession, blaming President Bush for the downturn in the economy, which led to less and poorer quality candy being handed out. Conservative bloggers rejected the idea and instead placed blame on "the urbanization of Halloween."
November:
Stunning results in the mid-term congressional elections: voters, dissatisfied with the widespread corruption in Washington Republicans, and without Democrats providing a desirable alternative, hand control of Congress to the Disney corporation after Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck win hundreds of elections across the country. Much to the dismay of religious conservatives throughout the country, third on Disney's list of legislative goals is to establish Gay Week in Congress. Much to the relief of just about everyone, second on Disney's list of legislative goals is to "fix that thing with Stuart Scott's eye."
December:
A staff writer for YMB takes his own life. In the suicide note, the writer blames "years and years of horrible predictions." Cause of death is given as a snapped neck from attempted self-fellating.
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Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
