by Grandma

A couple days ago, I woke up, poured some coffee, and sat down to watch television before going to work. As I was flipping through, I stumbled upon "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer. The man has more energy that a tweaked-out crackhead holding a samurai sword. After a few minutes of watching this man smash his hands into his phone boards and computer, I turned off the television and went to get ready for work. Later that day, I noticed something strange. While on my break at work, I was channel surfing and once again stumbled across Jim Cramer, who was now flying around the soundstage and had, what appeared to be, the severed head of a puppy in his jaws. Being the good little republican that I am, I ran out of work and to the nearest church to begin praying. I was smacking myself with a bible and asking God's forgiveness for watching any other news broadcast than the Divine Fox News when a theory began to form in my head as to the origin of Jim Cramer. Surely this man could not be a human, because no matter what time of the day I turn on the television, he is on. Never a repeat, never a break, the "man" appears to have a limitless well of energy. So I constructed my "3 theories of the Cramer".

Theory 1: Jim Cramer is a Vampire
I know what a lot of you are thinking, "I see Jim Cramer on all day long and you said there were never any repeats." You’re right. There aren’t, but notice also there are no windows in his studio, leaving him free to stalk the soundstage until nighttime again comes, at which point the interns who scored the lowest on their 90-day reviews are fed to the beast, giving him the energy to manipulate the stock market (a plan he formed in the late 1800's with a young up-and-coming vampire named Uziel, who eventually broke away from the Cramer Creature to form his own news outlets after changing his name to Rupert Murdoch) so that his show’s predictions are never wrong, engendering the trust of the nation. Once he has this trust, he and his legion of dark servants will strike, using an illegal stockpile of military satellites to bring eternal night to the world, making it a world of vampires.

Theory 2: Jim Cramer is a Robot
"Jim Cramer," the codename given to the secret military project in the late 1960s, was a machine meant to subvert foreign stock exchanges by telling all the citizens when to buy and when to sell. He proved to be a tremendous success overseas (where, exactly, is still classified by the military) when something went horribly wrong. Jim Cramer, like all killing machines, eventually developed a taste for prescription medications. Since painkillers were his strongest fuel source, and the average American is on 3 or more medications every day, the machine returned to the United States, to form his own show and follow through on his original programming, DESTROY STOCK MARKET. So every day he runs around his show making his predictions, and during each commercial break, he leaps into the audience to root through purses and jackets for more pills to fuel his cold machine heart (and to kill anyone who he thought wasn't applauding his picks enough).

Theory 3: Jim Cramer Controls a Lazarus Pit
In the late 1890's a young man named Jim Cramer set out to South America, in search of ancient Mayan ruins for a college internship. While studying a long abandoned temple, Jim Cramer fell through a section of loose flooring and into a previously undiscovered chamber underneath the pyramid. His legs badly broken, and with no one close enough to hear his pleas for help, young Cramer looked around to discover a strangely glowing pool. Dragging himself over to it for a closer inspection, Cramer accidentally fell into the pit. Miraculously, his legs began to heal; as did all the other ailments he had felt over the years. Unfortunately, this "youthanizing" we shall say, drove Cramer mad. He rose from the pit and killed all the other members of his expedition, including one young Chilean guide named Paulo, who was going to use the money from leading these expeditions, as well as the money he made doing some…films, to build a new life for him, his wife, his 23 children, and his wife’s deflated uterus. He resealed the pit and returned to America. Now, before each episode of “Mad Money”, Cramer must be dunked in the liquid he has transported to the United States to have the energy to get through another 23-hour shift on CNBC. Unfortunately, the pit still drives him mad after each treatment, so he goes on killing sprees throughout his willing studio audience, venting 116 years of rage and hatred upon his huddled masses.

Imagine if you will, sitting in front of a television at 9 am, 6 pm, 10pm, and midnight through 4am, and every time you turn on CNBC, Cramer is there. Because he is, and he is watching you more than you watch him. He makes Santa Claus look like that pervert who only comes around when you are about to get in the shower, but how he knows that…is anyone’s guess. Be it a bloodsucking immortal, a pill popping machine, or a crazy old man who jumps into the Eternal Hot Tub of Youth, Jim Cramer is not a man to be trusted. The network that puts him on has been aware of his evil for some time now, but is too afraid to try and stop him. This is why I appeal to Fox News, the only station that apparently has Jesus on its side, to step in and stop this man-monster-machine. If allowed to run wild, he could be the death of not only millions, but the destruction of our stock market as well.

Discuss this article in our forum.