THE LOST TRANSCRIPT OF THE JASON VOORHEES CELEBRITY ROAST

This most astounding discover was only recently discovered by the staff here at YMB. While it will prove difficult to prove the veracity of this artifact, it is generally believed to have been written on actual paper. What you are about to read is a transcript of one of the most chilling celebrations in American history. It is up to the reader to determine which is the more terrifying possibility: if this is real, or if this is just somebody's twisted dream.

Herb Pappas: And welcome back! Let's hear it for those Jason Voorhees dancers! Thank you ladies, for that wonderful display! Those leg warmers look great!

*dancers leave stage*

HP: Wow, it sure is great to be back here in Crystal Lake. Why, I haven't been here since back in 1986! And I wasn't here for a celebraion quite like this! No, I was here to identify the body of my uncle Leo, who was a policeman here in this lovely hamlet of ours. He'd had his head crushed by our Mr. Voorhees, and I had take a bus for five hours just to identify his body. That was a dark, dark day. So dark...

The sad death of Officer Pappas.

*cue audience: SYMPATHETIC SIGH*

HP: But that was then and this is now, and now is a time of celebration!

*POLITE APPLAUSE*

HP: Oh yes, today is a big day for us! Today, we take the time to honor a true original, a real American icon: Mr. Jason Voorhees.

*STANDING OVATION*

HP: Jason, we might not agree with some of your methods, some of us might have a...personal issue with how you take care of your business, but when you get right down to it: you have a strong moral center, and you do what you think needs to be done to protect traditional American values. And to me sir, that makes you...a hero. And what do we do for heroes?

ENTER STAGE RIGHT:

Lou Shelly: WE THROW THEM A PARTY!

*APPLAUSE*

HP: Lou, how ya doin'?

LS: Well Herb, I'm having a good time in the back with special celebrity guest Chris Lemmon? And I had myself a couple of drinks-

*AUDIENCE MOCK GASP*

LS: - but they were egg creams, so I think the big guy will let this slide, huh? A huh? Ahahahhaa!

HP: Oh Lou, you're such a kidder. You kid so.

LS: I sure do Herb! *lowers voice/tight spotlight on Lou* But there's one thing that I can't joke about. And that is the death of my son, Lou Shelly Junior. Junior, he was a good kid, a good stout kid. A sense of humor as vibrant as his old man's! But he just couldn't keep himself in line. He'd get in trouble in school, getting in trouble with the 'reefer,' cutting class, and oh Herb. The sassback.

HP: Sassback?

LS: Oh such sassback.

*SYMPATHETIC SIGH*

LS: And I remember thinking 'Say Lou, maybe this kid needs to spend some time at camp to cut down on the sassback. Heck, maybe he could drop a few pounds to boot!' So the ex-wife and I shipped him up here to lovely Camp Crystal Lake, and lo and behold he was stabbed to death by our man: Mr. Jason Voorhees.

The sad death of Lou Shelly Jr.

*APPLAUSE*

HP: Bet that took care of that sassback problem, eh Lou?

LS: Oh, you know it did Herb! But Jason Voorhees takes care of so much more than just simple sassback.

HP: Oh, what sassback!

LS: Herb, please. You see, Mr. Voorhees knows what's wrong with the kids of today, and yesterday. For the past 25 years he has been the stern, authoritarian hand that we need to keep our kids in line, on the right path, and well out of trouble. Premarital sex, the marijuana, underage drinking, skinny dipping, folk music...all blights on our great American society. All across the country, from Kennebunkport to Bakersfield you got the teenagers drunk on the reefer and quaaludes, listening to that rock music...but not here. not here in Crstal Lake!

The threat of juvenile delinquency has been stopped. Cold. By the strong hands and mind of one Jason Voorhees. His methods are extreme, and you may not care for the dead bodies nailed to trees and to the cabins...but you can't argue with results.

*APPLAUSE*

HP: He's like 'Scared Straight' to the Nth degree!

LS: You got that right, Herb! ...and I am confident that Shelly Junior is up there in Heaven with his grandmother and father, and I guarantee you that my boy is the good American in Heaven that I'd always wanted him to be down here on Earth. And for that: I thank you, Jason Voorhees.

*POLITE APPLAUSE*

LS: So Herb, what do we have next on tap?

HP: Well in a minute, we'll be bringing on one Jean-Claude Van Damme?

LS: The muscles from Brussels?!

HP: The very same! Ah ha ha...he's as much of a fan of Mr. Voorhees as we are!

LS: How about that! Well I can't wait to meet him! He can do the most marvelous splits! So athletic!

HP: You got that right, Lou! But first, we have another person who Jason has touched by the heart...but not literally! Ah hah ha ha!

LS: Good one, Herb! Because Jason will do that if he has to! But he can do quite a lot of things with his powers of...imagination.

Some might say he's a dreamer.

HP: Whoa! Preach on, friend!

LS: Oh you know I will Herb! Heck, Jason is one handy and resourceful fellow! He can find a way to use just about anything to get the job done! Sure, he prefers his machete or his meat cleaver-

HP: but who doesn't, am I right people? Am I right?! Ah hah ha ha!

LS: You know you are, Herb! But people, he can use a weedwhacker. He can use a fence post! He can use a spear gun, a garden fork, heck he can even use a noisemaker! A party horn!

HP: No!

LS: Yes! Yes he did, Herb a funtime novelty horn! And that's the kind of American determination and imagination that we as Americans should revel in, and not try to suppress. Not try to quash such fire, such drive with a figurative outboard motor to the chest!

HP: Or a literal one! Jason knows what I'm talking about!

LS: Oh you know he sure does, Herb! Ouch! But the kind of man who can use anything he puts his hands on to get his work done, that's the kind of American we should hold up as an example of excellence, and not as an example of homicidal terror and mayhem!

HP: That's for sure, Lou!

LS: And Jason, he'not afraid to get down in the dirt to get his work done. Heck, he'll use his bare hands as often as his trusty machete! You know a little something about that, eh Herb?

The sad death of Officer Pappas.

HP: ....

LS: You know he does, Herb! But hey, I digress. Who do we have up next, Herb? Is it time for the star of such classic films as "Timecop" and "Universal Soldier 2" to come out and wow us with some world class splits?

HP: No, Lou it's time for another personal tribute to our man of the day. We have a Mrs. Margaret Dier here with us and she has a story that I think will wow you for sure.

LS: Wow!

HP: Not just yet, Lou! Ah hahah! Now, let's welcome Mrs Margaret Dier! Come on out, ma'am! Face the audience!

*POLITE APPLAUSE*

Margaret Dier: Hello Herb. Lou.

HP: Now Mrs Dier, am I correct in that you have lost not one, but two family members at the hands of Mr. Voorhees?

MD: Yes Herb, that is the case. My daughter Sandra, and my son Rob.

Sandra and Rob Dier.

LS: And did they have it coming? I bet they did.

MD: ...yes they did, Lou. Sandra was always a little bit of a...well, slut. She always was boy-crazy.

HP: And Rob?

MD: He was boy-crazy too. And as we all know, that is against nature and all that is holy.

LS: You got that right Mrs D!

MD: Thank you Lou. And I tried so hard to raise my kids right, but they were just such willful little shits.

HP: Language, Mrs D! Language! Ah ha...Jason doesn't care much for the potty mouth!

MD: Oh you're right, Herb. Please forgive me.

*POLITE LAUGHTER*

LS: That's not funny...

MD: And oh, Sandra she tried to be good. She always said she was a good girl, but I never trusted her. So I sent her here to camp one summer, and I hoped that the experience would set her straight. And then...

HP: And then, Margaret?

MD: And then I got a call from the police that they'd sound my...Sandra impaled...to a bed. With a...man on top of her. With a spear.

*SYMPATHETIC SIGH*

MD: And I was vindicated! I was right all along, that little skank was killed for fornicatin just as I had warned her! I told her 'if you keep sleeping around like thatm you're going to end up impaled by a psychotic woodsman!'

LS: Whoa.

MD: But then I knew that Jason Voorhees was a good man at heart. Who else but a truly good person would go through such efforts to prove a mother right? And what's better than a mother being right all the time?

LS: And what about Rob?

MD: Oh, he came up here the year after his slutty sister was found dead looking for revenge. He said he wanted to be the world's first 'Jason Hunter.' I guess there've been a few over the years.

LS: And they're all dead now!

HP: You got that right, Lou! Very dead! And ma'am, it sounds like your son was the very first Jason hunter! The first to die!

MD: I suppose he was. They found him in the basement, with a gardening fork embedded in his throat. I suppose it was a better way for him to go than getting stabbed to death in a rest stop somewhere. He spent a lot of time in rest stops, you know.

LS: Well, a truly inspirational story from Mrs. Margaret Bettens. Thank you so much, Mrs. D! Please stick around, we're going to have some cake and punch in a little bit!

MD: Marvelous.

HP: You got that right! And then we're going to have Hollywood heartthrob Eric Roberts come on stage for a special presentation!

LS: Wow! He's a handsome actor!

HP: Darned right, Lou! He's here to present the 'Man of the Year Award

Now, let's get Mr. Van Damme up here! I thi-

OFFSCREEN: *ch ch ch...ka ka ka...*

*silence*

HP: So then! Let's move onto our next segment, we're ready for some splits!

*ch ch ch...ka ka ka...*

HP: Uhh Lou, is that who I think it is? Could it be?-

LS: I think you might be right, Herb!

MD: Oh shit!

HP: I already warned you about the language, Margaret! What the fuck!

LS: Oh shit Herb, you watch your mouth!

HP: Oh hell.

The Man of the Hour!

MD: Shit!

HP: Fuck!

LS: Shit fuck damn! I-It is! Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, we have been blessed with a guest appearance from Mr. Jason Voorhees!

*Jason stands, seething.*

HP: Y-you got that right, Lou! And l-l-look, he's found the special...replica machete w-we were going to show...the audience!- in honor of our most esteemed guest!

LS: That's no replica, Herb!

HP: ...you got that right, Lou. Boy, Mr. Voorhees. You sure are in great shape for a septuagenarian! What's your secret?

MD: He feeds off of the souls of his victims! He's going to kill us all! Kill us all!

LS: Shut it, lady! Now Jason, I was thinking Bowflex. Is it Bowflex?

And of course, there were no survivors.

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