It’s that time of year again. Time for sweaty, muscle-bound men in tight pants fondling the asses of sweaty, pudgy men in tight pants while being chased around by other sweaty, muscle-bound men trying to throw tapered leather balls back and forth, with the occasional pile-up of man-meat. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited. I’m here to tell you who’s a top and who’s a bottom.

AFC

The AFC is wide open this year. There are only three teams that clearly won’t challenge for a playoff berth, and one that probably won’t. Everyone else has a decent shot. That means 12 teams for 6 spaces. Nuts, right?

1. New England Patriots

It's all about the bling-bling and the bitches

Can they do it without Crennel, Weis, Bruschi and Johnson? Is Belicheck that good? We’ll find out this year. Until it’s proven otherwise, I’m going to go with “yes.”
2. Indianapolis Colts
They have to play almost perfect this season, because I don’t see Peyton breaking his Belicheck Jinx in Foxboro. Fortunately for the Colts, it looks like they’ve got the personnel on defense to do it.
3. Baltimore Ravens
All the preseason rankings are sweating the Jets, but the Ravens’ switch to a 4-3/4-6 alignment is terrifying. If Boller’s half as good as he’s supposed to be, they could be playing deep into January.
4. Kansas City Chiefs

The AFC’s top-ranked offense gets Patrick Surtain, Kendrell Bell and Defensive Rookie of the Year candidate Derrick Johnson. If the defense is any good, this team will be great.
5. San Diego Chargers
If Brees plays like he did last year, Philip Rivers will be traded next year and Schottenheimer will still choke in the first round of the playoffs. Because that’s Martyball.
6. New York Jets

HEIMERDINGER!

The Jets have a young secondary, which isn’t a huge problem in a division with JP Losman and whatever tackling dummy the Dolphins throw out there. What is a problem is their weakness at defensive tackle, in a division with Dillon, McGahee and Ricky Williams.
7. Cincinnati Bengals
A decent defensive improvement will certainly be enough for a winning record, and maybe enough for a playoff berth.
8. Houston Texans
If their offensive line can play and their defense can get some stops, they’ll finish 9-7. If not, Dom Capers will be collecting unemployment come January.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars
The question in Jacksonville is: who’s going to catch the ball? Jimmy Smith is aging and slowing, and Reggie Williams and Matt Jones are both young and inexperienced. I see .500 for them.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers

Make it so.

Bill Cowher is the most consistent coach in the league. Even years, his team loses in the AFC Championship game. Odd years, they miss the playoffs completely. It’s like the Star Trek rule for football. Odd numbered year this year.
11. Buffalo Bills
Their defense and running game are great, but Losman is a blank slate. If he plays well, limits mistakes, and throws accurately (and frequently) enough downfield to keep defenses out of the box, they’re higher than 11th.
12. Denver Broncos
The Broncos would be awesome but for three things: Jake Plummer sucks, the Broncos defense sucked ass when it was the Browns defense, and Shanahan sucks. They’re highly overrated this year.
13. Oakland Raiders
Their offense will be loads of fun, but their defense will be enough to drive Kerry Collins to drink.

…too soon?
14. Tennessee Titans

Como estan, bitches?

NORM CHOW, BITCHES! With another year of cap space and another year of progress for their preschool-aged defense, they’ll compete. Next year. This year will be rough.
15. Cleveland Browns
Dilfer is too steady for them to go 0-16, or even 1-15. Yeah. That’s all I got for them. OOH OOH OOH! Also, Braylon Edwards wore the best draft day suit.
16. Miami Dolphins
If all 53 players on the Patriots, all 53 Jets, and all 53 Bills get season-ending injuries before week 6, the Dolphins MIGHT make the playoffs.

NFC
The NFC is getting better. There’s still a small group of “haves,” and a big group of “have-nots.” The “haves” group is getting bigger, though.

1. Philadelphia Eagles
They earned the #1 spot, and as such, it’s theirs to lose. But they’re on that road. Losing Pinkston, Buckhalter and Simon were big hits. And an unhappy Westbrook and TO being TO aren’t helping, either. They’re only one injury away from a bad, bad year.
2. Atlanta Falcons
If Vick progresses significantly, they will challenge for the top spot. As it is, they’re number 2 on the strength of their defense. They’ve got holes at wideout, but they’ve also got Vick.
3. Minnesota Vikings
Despite losing Moss, this team should be a lot better. Smoot, Winfield and Napoleon Harris are all a big step up over last year. So why do I have lingering doubts about this team? Mike Tice. If he’s as crappy as I suspect, they’ll struggle to make the playoffs.
4. Carolina Panthers

Hey man, I'll tell you what man, you dang ol' drove it here. I'm talkin' about you... Drive it back. Dang ol' traitors, man

They have a quick defense and that ridiculous, 135-headed Hydra running game. And John Fox and Jake Delhomme, a consistently underrated quarterback. They’re the “sexy” Super Bowl pick, and I’m not so sure I disagree.
5. Dallas Cowboys
Everyone’s RAAAAAAAAAving about their defense, and freaking out about Bledsoe. As with everything else, reality is probably somewhere in between. They could put a scare in the Eagles this year.
6. Detroit Lions
Harrington’s under a ton of pressure this year, but with all the weapons he’s got, it would be hard to be anything but decent.
7. Seattle Seahawks
I have no idea how the NFC West is going to shake out. My gut says Holmgren plus an unknown, probably mediocre defense plus wideouts who can’t catch is still greater than Mike Martz.
8. Chicago Bears
HA! You think I’m crazy, don’t you? Their defense is going to be solid this year, and I’ve thought highly of Kyle Orton since I first saw him play at Purdue. I don’t think they’ll make the playoffs, but they’ll definitely be respectable this year.
9. St. Louis Rams
Do you think Mike Martz wakes up every day and says to himself, “I’m so awesome, I make me want to crap my pants.” And then, whenever he walks past a mirror, he actually does crap himself? Grooming must be difficult. Their offensive line is a mess, their secondary is a mess, their running backs are not good, linebackers are a mess. They actually may be significantly worse than I’m projecting.
10. Arizona Cardinals
They’re definitely on the rise. JJ Arrington could be good, and they’re set at receiver, but they still have no defense to speak of.
11. New Orleans Saints
This team is so hard to read, especially after Katrina. They’ve got the talent to make a run, but they’ve lacked consistency, heart and good coaching. Who knows how things will change for them. They could make the playoffs, they could have the first pick next year.
12. New York Giants

Isn't he adoreable?

On both offense and defense, they look improved, but still a year away. On the bright side, I’m quite enjoying the “kinder, gentler” Tom Coughlin. You just wanna hug him.
13. Green Bay Packers
Their great offensive line took a step backwards this offseason. As for their defense, they might stop more people if they put 11 street cones at random places in the field. “Pray they trip” should be the team’s motto.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Another team ravaged by age and the cap. They should just put in Simms and make him learn on the fly.
15. Washington Redskins
I like Joe Gibbs. Nice guy, pretty good coach. But is there a way for the Feds to take over for Dan Snyder? At this point, I think FEMA would do a better job managing that team.

…too soon?
16. San Francisco 49ers
Smith, Frank Gore, and Mike Nolan are all steps in the right direction. Losing Herrion is going to make it a tough year for them, though.

PLAYOFFS:

Seeding:
1. Patriots 1. Eagles
2. Colts 2. Falcons
3. Ravens 3. Vikings
4. Chiefs 4. Seahawks
5. Chargers 5. Panthers
6. Jets 6. Cowboys

Wild Card:
Ravens over Jets, Chiefs over Chargers (and boy will that chap Marty’s ass)
Vikings over Cowboys, Panthers over Seahawks

Divisional:
Patriots over Chiefs, Colts over Ravens (in a much better game than last year’s)
Panthers over Eagles (the running game), Vikings over Falcons (I don’t know. Going with my gut.)

Championship:
Patriots over Colts (Colts over Patriots if it’s in Indy)
Vikings over Panthers (I DON’T KNOW SHUT UP!)

Super Bowl:
Patriots over Vikings