by Pete Goodrich

My TV habits back in the day were...voracious. I watched every damn show I could, be it a sitcom or a cartoon, or an action adventure starring a wisecracking car, alien, or adopted urchin. I watched crap I didn't even like, that even back in the day I would recognize as cheese. But I loved it, and could not stop myself. Street Hawk! The derivative (definitive?) tale of a man and his super-crimefighting motorcycle! Utterly forgettable. All I remember about it was that his cycle had a gatling gun on it, thus making it cool. Small Wonder! Worst child actor ever, yet every time it was on it would just suck me in, like a fish my mouth would hang open as I gazed emptily (yet lovingly) into that magic (idiot) box.

I soaked in pop culture like a damn sponge, taking in every bit that presented itself before me. This is not a condemnation of my parents and their parenting. If anything, they were always up in my shit about 'reading more' or 'going outside.' Well screw that! Not when Alf is on! Or anything else for that matter! I was a glutton for TV, I hoovered it up like TV was coke and the 80's were Studio 54. It's my own fault. I got greedy. I'd watch show after show again and again as often as I could. Sure, in time I learned to appreciate a good book or some comics or eve the dreaded 'playing outside,' but you know what? Thats right, my heart still yearned for the TV; and the flickering lights within.

And looking back, I see what I took from my youthful fascination with television. I learned sin. All seven of the big ones are inherent in my youthful TV watching habits. Like I mentioned, I was a freak for television, watching everything that came on (Out of this World? The fuck was I thinking?) regardless of the shows quality, stars, plot, anything. If it was TV, I'd find a way to enjoy it.

And Greed. Woe betide you if you were my little brother back in the day, and wanted to watch something other than what I wanted to see. The remote control was MINE, especially when 'Remote Control' was on. Attempts to change the channel to anything other than what I wanted would end in violence, and it would usually end in tears for him: I'd watch Knight Rider, and he'd end up crying. No, you'd never want to be my little brother when I was a kid in the 80's. Lucky for you, you won't be.

This listing excludes the natural shows that I think most of the readership here will sympathize with: GI Joe, Transformers, He-man...that was all great stuff, and I have no regrets. Not that I have a lot of regrets for the crap that I did watch as you will see.

GLUTTONY Night Court

I was obsessed with Night Court.

I know. Night Court? How were you obsessed with Night Court? I don't know how either. But I was. I followed that show throughout all of the cast changes (two clerks, three defending attorneys, three assistant baliffs) and it's shift from semi-serious comedy to straight up tomfoolery. I even took the time to learn who the hell John Astin (Gomez Addams, Harry's dad on the show) was and Mel Torme (Harry's random obsession) were. Can you think of any other situation where a 10 year old kid would give a rats ass for Mel Torme?

Yes, Night Court. I could not get enough of Night Court. Now, as 80's shows go this one wasn't that bad, right? I hope you'll agree with me gentle reader, as I watched the shit out of this show. Seriously. Though it was awhile before I was old enough to stay up to watch it when it was actually aired on NBC, the reruns were plentiful, and I devoured them. I'd tape them, so I could rewatch them later. I would have bathed in Night Court if I could have. And then when I was old enough to watch it myself at the natural hour, nothing could tear me away from the TV. Looking back, it was mildly disturbing.

Moreso in light of the marathon semi-recently shown by the good people of TVLand. The three day Night Court extranaganza taught me many a thing. For one, considering that the show was ostensibly started as a Harry Anderson vehicle, he's the least funny thing about the show. Also, Dan Fielding was utterly hilarious when was the sex-mad freakjob that he was for the earliest parts of the show, and was very much unfunny once they had him lose his libido. Most importantly, I learned that this show wasn;t that good. But there's nostalgia for you.

ENVY: Silver Spoons

So as a kid, was there anything cooler than the house in Silver Spoons? For the children in the audience who do not have TV Land, Silver Spoons in brief: Single dad Edward Stratton III is wealthy and childlike in his exuberance and excesses (like a non-threatening Michael Jackson), he has a son named Ricky who is more sober-minded and...well yeah. I don't remember what was likeable about Ricky. I know I watched his show every weekend, but for the life of me I cannot remember why: I cannot recall a single likeable thing about the kid. Oh yeah I do, his house.

House is the wrong word: mansion, is more appropriate. The phone shaped like a duck, the full-sized video games in the living room, all the toys, Rocky's race car bed, the fucking train going through the living room? I wanted that. I wanted all of that. We all did. I still do, I still want the stand up video games in my living room so that I can play Q*Bert whenever I want to. And I cannot have that, for I lack the thousands of dollars such accessories would cost me. And for that I weep inwardly.

Motherfucker even had his own robot death machine? DAMN YOU STRATTONS! Damn you and your immense bankroll, damn you for that opulent toystore you called a living room, damn you for your toy train running to wherever the fuck it ran...and damn you for teaching me how to care.

Actually, skip the last part. They taught me nothing on Silver Spoons. Nothing but purest envy. I watched it because I coveted all that Ricky had. And I still do. Fuck you Rick. And your dad, and your grandpa from the Paper Chase (whatever THAT was, that mysterious TV show from my youth that my parents enjoyed) and your little buddy Alfonso. Who I loved when he was on Fresh Prince, but I digress.

LUST: The Facts of Life

I had lust in my heart for the Facts of Life girls. What can I say? I was young when this show was on the air, and I didn't really have any conception of what sex was (until I was ten I thought a blow job involved actually blowing on a guys dick) but I tell you this: I understood that girls in school uniforms= sexy. In fact, the Facts of Life Girls might have been directly responsible for my attraction to girls in uniform. Not all of them of course. Tootie bothered me, as I had a fear of girls in braces. And Natalie...well Natalie. Jo was cute, and I liked her pluck, her tomboyishness was appealing to me...I thought that I could be the one to tame that wild beast. But really, my heart was for Bair. Oh sweet Blair, she of the high standards and wealth; a proto-Paris Hilton without the immense sluttiness. How I wished to make her love me, to get her to defrost that frozen bank vault of a heart and learn to love the common man.

...and Mrs Garrett. Oh, Mrs. Garrett. She combined the best attributes of all of the Facts of Life girls into one: the spunk of Tootie, the beauty of Blair, the down-hominess of Jo, the...Natalie, and the combined age of all four girls combined. I think we all grew up with a little something in our pre-pubescent hearts for Mrs. G. "When I'm 80, I want a woman just like Mrs Garrett!" But I think that this day may never come.

PRIDE: Cheers

This was a show I only got to see sporadically when I was a kid. See, it was on 'late' for me, when I was a boy in 1985. 9 PM, I was in bed, sleeping to rest up for the big day at school. In reality I hid under the covers and read comics, but whatever: bottom line was no Cheers for me. But summer vacations I'd be able to watch the reruns. And iin time, early reruns came. Don't get me wrong, it's a fine show. Some episodes do not hold up well to the test of time, other episodes I feel are stil hilarious. Unlike the other hows I mention here, I'd say that of the lot Cheers deserves the warm and fuzzy place in my memories.

Ohh, but it taught me sin. The sin of pride! See, it took place in Boston. I was born in Boston! I lived right outside of Boston! This was a big thing when I was a kid! A popular TV show based on my own home town! Spectacular! And man, was I ever a dick about it to kids from other states. My family would vacation in Rhode Island, and my grandmother lived in a farm town in the middle of Connecticut, and I would regale the local kids about how cool it was to be from the same city that Cheers was filmed in! I'd tell them all about how the bar isn't the same in real life as it appeared to be on TV, and how the mailmen didn't all talk like that but a lot of them did, and that I lived in the same City! The same City that Cheers was based in!

And to a one, none of them gave a shit. We're talking kids here, kids who like me were not allowed to stay up so late to watch TV. And by the time we were all old enough to stay up and watch Cheers, none of those kids gave a shit that I lived in Boston. "They film it in Hollywood, anyways." And looking back, when ones only claim to fame is that you live a town over from where a fictional sitcom was situated...yeah, I can see how some kid from a farm town in the midde of Connecticut might not be so impressed. Or be moved to doling out a wedgie or two. The kids there...they did not like me.

WRATH: Diff'rent Strokes

Was this show even funny? I've seen it since I got older, and all signs point to no. Arnold acts plucky, Willis looks at him in an exasperated fashion, Kimberly says something dumb, Mr. Drummond says something stodgy and white, Arnold drops his catchphrase a couple more times and then it's onto the credits. Simple, simplistic TV sitcom business. And with Diff'rent Strokes began my innate hatred of all things 'cute.' Arnold. Oh you spunky little devil. Your catchphrases so smooth, always leaving poor Willis as the butt of the joke, and kindly old Mr. Drummond befuddled. That was the Alzheimers, yes. But d you have to play into his natural weakness?

And in looking back, at the time of filming wasn't ol' Gary here like 18 or so? I know he looked like he was seven and all, but did no one teach him what 'dignity' meant? Looking back, I hate this little, unfunny dickweed. TV and reveals a number of harsh truths (Perfect Strangers was fucking dumb. There, I said it! And I die inside!) and A number one among them is that this show was not funny.

SLOTH: Webster

I remember there were some kids in my class who weren't allowed to watch TV, so anytime we had a film strip they had to leave the room. They'd gather up their things in their simple, homemade pants and sheepishly leave the room as the rest of the class stared at them like they were aliens.

So I guess that's why I watched Webster. I didn't want to be associated with the weird kids whos parents wouldn't let them watch TV. And I can say whatever I want to say about those kids, as I doubt they're using computers nowadays. Maybe they've graduated to the Apple 2E by now.

But Webster: I watched it every time it was on, but for the life of me I cannot remember why. Even then I didn't ever laugh at his antics, nor was my heart warmed by his interactions with George or...Nan. Or Ma'am. I could never tell what the hell the little mutant called that chicken lady. What do I remember? His house had badass secret passageways. And he was very very small.

So why did I watch it? Was it out of the fear that I would be seen as the neo-Amish kids in my class? Nay, I point thee to the spirit demon known as SLOTH. Webster did not act alone, to be sure. But the only reason I know what (thankfully) little of him that I do, is due to my youthful laziness.

For the record, in the battle of the kidney deprived 80's superstars, nowadays I would totally watch Webster over Gary Coleman, for the simple fact that apparently Webster (Emmanuel Lewis) knows kung fu. I want to see him in a buddy picture with Steven Seagal or something.

So! What have we learned here aside from the fact that I watch too much TV? Not much, I admit. But lets discuss this in the forums! You may find you yourself have given into sin.

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