Part I: TIM MCCARVER, DUMBEST MAN IN AMERICA.
by Jim Dandy

Dear God, I'd pay money to hear him explain ANYTHING to brain surgeons.

I decided to do an ongoing feature. It seems to be common knowledge that color commentators at sporting events are possibly the dumbest and worst possible people to give a microphone to. I’m pretty sure the major sports networks could follow around a local TV news crew and hire the guy the news crew just interviewed (the idiot interviewed for “local flavor” with keen insights into murders and kidnappings, like “He never seemed like a HI MOM bad guy to me” or “I think they should chemically castrate jaywalkers”) to do color for these games, and they would be a marked improvement over the morons in the booth now. I’m using this column to document the atrocities from the All Star game, brought to us by the insightful team of Joe “Moral Outrage” Buck and Tim McCarver. After, I’m going to look at the Abu Ghraib pictures to make myself feel better.

And McCarver offers up a gem in the first inning.
“How about Abreu, wins the Home Run hitting contest and comes out the next night and hits a single.”

Thank CHRIST you actually played the game, and you’re able to give us that keen insight, Tim. Not “HR Derby pitching is easier than BP pitching” but “Isn’t it amazing that he’s not swinging for the fences, even though he’s a good hitter?”

“Two Lees on the National League squad tonight!”
I bet there’s someone in Detroit who’s named “Smith,” too, Timmy.

Aside: Fox just played “Like A Rock” going to commercial. Just throwing that out there. Do with it what you will.

Johnny Damon hits a ball in the hole between short and third, and McCarver called it a “Designed play.” I wish he’d do football games. He’d be mystified.

And now, Hair Metal from Fox.

OH MY GOD. They played that Eminem song where he yells a few times, the one with the Crank Yankers puppets in the video. McCarver just did the “aah aah aah aah aah aah.” Awesome.

Fo' shizzle.

Re: Vlad Guerrero. “It’s not a strike zone, it’s more of a strike area.” Later, Tim will tell us why “Home Plate” is better than “Fourth Base.”

Thanks to Fox Sports, we have this inane exchange following Johnny Damon’s exit from the game:
Buck: “Johnny Damon is out, and now we have hair stylists around the nation tuning out.”
McCarver: “All the salons on the West Coast…”

What the hell? All the salons on the west coast what, Tim? Are bananas? Why only on the West Coast? What about East Coast salons? Do they have a Death Row/Bad Boy style feud going on? The asshole from that show on Bravo, did he hire a hit squad to take out Vidal Sasson at a fight in Vegas? Why am I trying to understand the mind of this madman?

Brian Roberts rips a double down the 1st base line, and the RF umpire makes the fair call (not first base umpire Tim Welke).

“I’m not too sure Tim Welke saw that ball all that well, and he deferred to the Right Field umpire.”
Damn fine observation, Sherlock. I thought that the first base umpire shattered his arm trying to signal fair, in some kind of freak accident. Thank God you’re doing color commentary.

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