by Pete Goodrich

This past weekend, we had a barbecue. But an exotic barbecue. Yes, we grilled some steak, some turkey burgers, some hot dogs. We had corn, and pasta salad. But we also had EXOTIC MEAT. Weird meats! We went as far and as wide as we could in the Boston area to track it down, but we bought and grilled up the oddest, most delicious meats that we could find on one beautiful Saturday afternoon. And I tell you of this...now!

To start, the official theme was 'Exotic meats and meades.' My buddy Aaron brews...well, all manner of things. Beer, wine, grappa, and yes: mead. He brought over several types of mead: ginger based, maple based, this thing called 'cyzer' (which was an apple cider mead) and it was all very potent and tasty. If you've never had it, it's not what you think. It's very light, very sweet. A really subtle flavor, it was very tasty for a warm summer day.

No joke here: mead is one tasty beverage!

When it comes to mead, I'd always thought of it as a thick, hearty beverage...but it's actually lighter and easier to drink than beer. The homemade stuff anyways. Some folks brought storebought mead, which was...well, piss. Sour. I don't know if it was skunked or just poorly made, but that stuff really made me appreciate the homebrewed stuff a lot more.

So! What did I eat?! In order of worst to best!

Cuttlefish: Nasty! Rubbery AND flavorless! And usually, I actually enjoy squid! fried calamari rings, or smaller pieces in a paella or something. But not this time, oh no! This was thick chunks of rubbery cuttlefish. Less said the better!

CTHULHU RYLEH!

Duck: Yeah, I know it's not especially 'exotic' but it's a far cry from 'common.' It's not that I disliked the flavor (tho it was incredibly greasy) I just feel bad for my little ducky friends. I like ducks. I used to spend many a quiet, contemplative afternoon feeding a loaf of stolen dining commons bread to the ducks in college. It was better than going to class. I tried a piece, just to remind myself why I dont eat duck. It's greasy stuff. And it makes me sad.

Ostrich: Well, this is a more common 'exotic' meat as far as I can tell. As in people are familiar with the concept of eating ostrich meat as opposed to other odd meats that can be purchased. This was ground, in patty form (as many items were) and simply grilled with maybe some salt and pepper. And it was...quite a lot like ground turkey. Only thing is there was a definite funk to the meat. Ostrich revenge perhaps? "You're gonna EAT me? Fuck you!" *releases internal stink enzymes, pollutes own muscles* Hah ha! Hey, try my thighs! I promise they don't smell like sock!"

Moose (chili): One of the hosts friends brought this over. It was...well, blazing hot. Nuclear hot. So hot I could barely taste the meat, which was a bit of a disappointment. The meat seemed tough almost, which leads me to wonder if this had once been jerky before it was made into chili. I liked it, though I could only eat a little bit of it as it was in fact: incredibly hot.

Goat: yeah, this was....something. Our own contribution; we went to a halal butcher (like kosher, but for Muslims) where the downstairs fridge was lined with goat carcasses. Bunches of them. It scared us. It was a sketchy meat to us reg'lar 'Mericans, you know? Not something one thinks of as a common meat product. Goat cheese...delicious! Goat leg...what?

Tip: Raw goat meat smells just as good as you think it does!

So the goat meat was scary stuff. We got a few pounds of meat, and boiled it to take some of the funk out of the meat, also to tenderize it. Then we stripped the bones of meat and fat, trimmed the fat, and tossed the pieces in a sauce of ketchup, brown sugar, vinegar, mustard powder, hot pepper flakes, and salt and pepper. Then we grilled the fuck out of it (the fear) and passed it around. Everyone commented on how good it was, but I noticed that of all of the meats we served, this was the only one to have leftovers.

Yak: This was also purchased ground and shaped into patties. We in turn reshaped the patties into little meatballs, which we grilled and served so as to provide more portions for people to taste. And the yak balls was delicious. They tasted very much like a sirloin, or just a better quality of beef.

I wonder. I know a lot of farms raise ostriches and bison for the meat, so that's part of why they're becoming more common. But the yak...where did they get that? Is there a small farm up in Wisconsin raising yak for sale? Or was the meat of this noble beast shipped all the way from Tibet, just to be devoured by a pack of drunken yuppies in Massachusetts? Either way: fuck it, it was delicious and I would totally eat it again if I had the chance. Only next time I'll put bacon on it.

Buffalo: this was also served up in patty form. Seems that the easiest way for places to provide these exotic meats is to grind the meat. I'm not a butcher, but I'll assume that it's just easier for shipping purposes to process it in this manner, as opposed to sending out huge flanks or steaks of whichever animal we're dealing with. The buffalo was the only one of the meats here that I'd had before, and it was as good as I remembered. Yes, another beef-like meat but hey: it was so damned tasty. Salt, pepper, Worcestershire and a little garlic, then we just grilled it and consumed it.

Irony: this noble beast has been rescued frm the brink of extinction by the same folks who want to eat it.

It's funny. The former rep of weird meats (like snake, frog legs, alligator) was that they 'tasted just like chicken!' But the new one for the new breed of exotic meats is how much they either 'tasted just like beef!' (buffalo, ostrich, yak) or were 'better for you than beef! (buffalo again, goat, kangaroo.)

Yes, kangaroo. We didn't get it, as the swanky butcher that many folks had gone to was all out of it. Which is in itself an amusing concept. "Sold out! Big day for kangaroo today!" This place is Savenor's Market, located in one of the swankiest neighborhoods in Boston. I'll never go back. One can find other meats at small local places (like the halal butcher I mentioned above) or even at Whole Foods, a nationwide chain of...swanky grocery stores. Okay, so it's very hard to do an exotic meat thing like this without spending quite a bit of coin, as the Number One item on the BBQ list will display. It costs to do this sort of thing.

But here's a thought to keep you warm at night: if you're willing to pay for it it is entirely possible for you to replicate and eat the entire cast of Winnie the Pooh.

Number one: Wild Boar! Wild boar, described to me as being 'like pork...but better.' I grew up reading Asterix comics, and the main foodstuff the plucky Gauls enjoyed in those pages was wild boar. I'd always wanted to try it, but knew I'd never have it as wild boars are hard to come by in the Massachusetts suburbs. Until the rise of Savenor's Market!

Charlotte's Web 2: Wilbur Strikes Back

...for $22 a pound, that is. $22 fucking dollars for a pound glorified pig meat!! That's insane! I'm glad my friend and host Joe paid for THAT! But it was sooo goood. Tender and succulent. The Dictionary should change the definition of 'succulent' to 'wild boar meat, as seasoned with a little Montrael Steak salt.' So good. We had to split it up into tiny portions so that everybody could get a taste, and as I was an unofficial assistant on the grill I stole an extra piece for me. I do not regret it.

We finished with peaches grilled with brown sugar over ice cream, then proceeded to drink for the rest of the afternoon. A fine, fine day.

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