by Ryan Higgins and the Your Mom's Basement staff

Giffen. DeMatteis. Maguire. They brought the laughs again to a reborn 80s Justice League. Can they do it again outside of familiar characters? We had a group of bespectacled fanboys ask Fan Favorite Retailer Ryan Higgins 20-Odd Questions about the new Marvel series.

1) Is this just the Justice League dressed up in different clothes, or are these characters unique?

I was expecting The Defenders to be a bunch of b-list characters cracking jokes for 22 pages, but that's not the case. Nightmare, Marvel's lord of the Dream Realm, comes to Dr. Strange, asking for his help. The dread Dormammu and his sister Umar the Unholy have struck an alliance...and they're preparing to invade Earth! The only ones that can stop them are Earth's Mightiest Her...er, wait...Marvel's Mightiest Muta...um....oh yeah, those 4 guys that don't get along together.

2) Seriously, who's in this? I gather from the preview pages that it's at least Dr. Strange, Namor, the Hulk and maybe the Silver Surfer. Anyone else? Personally, I don't think it's the Defenders without Hellcat, Valkyrie and Nighthawk, but I think two out of those three characters are dead. Aren't they? Marvel's continuity is so f-ed up.

As of the end of the first issue, it's Dr. Strange, Namor and Hulk. Silver Surfer is busy hanging out with the only people on Earth he can relate to...surfers.

3) Why are they called Defenders in the first place? Is it because they defend the Earth, defend against incontinence or defend against the offence at a first down and goal to goal?

The Defenders defend the Earth against the largest of attacks...if they can get their giant egos and muscles out of the way first. This question begs, Who Defends The Defenders?

4) Do any of the B-list Defenders show up in this one, like Nighthawk, Valkyrie or Hellcat?

Nope, barely a mention of any of them. Damn shame.

5) Can we really be expected to enjoy and believe in a team made up of the Defenders when the Ultimate version are such weak sauce?

Um...

I don't...um...what was the question again?

Yeah, um, excuse me for a minute.

6) Do they reference the mid-90's Larsen Defenders at all? If not, can you explain what the hell happened in that series?

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

7) Any reference to The Order when they all got pissed off being puppets and decided to rule themselves?

*ahem*

I SAID, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

8) For that matter, how does this play into the current titles where these characters appear? Being New Invaders (ugh), Hulk, Silver Surfer, etc?

I'll tell you what; when I can sit through a single issue of any of those thankfully cancelled books, I'll let you know.

Ok, ok, that's not fair. Hulk is still being published, but what, the entire run by Bruce Jones was a giant dream or something? I don't know, I can't get into Peter David's run at all.

9) As Namor is such a moany face moan moan usually, how can he be humorous? Or is it the fact that he is a moany face moan moan that is accentuated and therefore funny? How can Doctor Strange or the cosmic Silver Surfer throw out one-liners? Does it seem forced?

I don't think the guys that said "By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth!" and "Whatever Namor Says!" will be spitting out the one-liners.

Although there is some of the same type of one-liner humor that Giffen and DeMatteis have used before, it's not quite the same here. They didn't just change the art and keep the dialogue from Formerly Known As... Most of the humor comes from Nightmare telling Dr. Strange that people don't actually talk like that.

That, and Silver Surfer checking out the chicks in bikinis.

10) Whatever happened to Gargoyle? You know, the guy who was a member of the Defenders during the latter stages of the original series and was something like a 90 year old man trapped inside the body of a mystical gargoyle?

He went on to star in a series of television commercials as a spokesman for a popular auto insurance company. Take that, you damn gecko!

11) If he got really hungry in the middle of a battle, do you think Devil Slayer (or whatever his name was) could pull a Big Mac out of his cape, or was he limited to just pulling out swords and axes and the like? Because a Big Mac cape would rule.

There comes a point in every nerd’s existence where he has to admit something, and this is mine.

I have no idea. In fact, I don't think I've even heard of this character before now. When something like this happens, there's only one place we can turn...to GOOGLE!

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http://home.flash.net/~jeanneb/d.html#devil

Devil Slayer

Real name: Eric Simon Payne

First appearance: Marvel Spotlight 33

Powers: After extensive training by the Demon Cult, Payne developed a low-level telepathic ability and the capability to psychically manipulate physical objects. He also used a special "Shadow Cloak" to teleport between dimensions.

History: A war veteran who enjoyed killing a little too much, Payne became a hit man after he left the service. After killing a woman and her child, Payne decided he wasn't cut out for the mob. Joining the Demon Cult, he went along with their plan to repopulate the Earth with demons until he realized that meant destroying all humans. Payne began to travel the Earth, expunging demons where-ever he found them.

Current status: Despite a stint with the Defenders and a storyline in Marvel Comics Presents, Devil Slayer has vanished from the Marvel Universe so completely one wonders if his Shadow Cloak swallowed him up.
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Right, there you go. He can "psychically manipulate physical objects," which I'm going to assume means he can pull a Big Mac out of his cape.

12) Is the Essential Defenders Vol. 1 worth getting?

EVERY Essential tpb is worth getting. Nothing like 500 pages of comics for less than 20 bucks. Who cares that it's in black and white? These are perfect for mass-consumption of crazy Silver Age stories.

13) How would you describe this version of the Defenders through the medium of fire? No, as a cream filled dessert? Actually, as any kind of dessert, but not with too much sugar; I'm on the South Beach.

It's a little sweet, a little sour, somewhat bitter, and it makes you laugh. I'm not sure what kind of dessert that would be, but it sounds disgusting.

14) If this incarnation of the Defenders were to cross over with the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League, who would hook up with whom whether it be same or opposite sex?

Dr. Strange and Big Barda. He likes it rough.
Silver Surfer and Ice. He likes it like space. Cold.
Namor and Fire. Who says that water and fire don't mix?
Hulk and Oberon. Poor, poor Oberon.

15) Any nods towards Identity Crisis or FKATJL?

It looks like the creators know who their audience is, based on the title bar:

"ALMOST A GOOD IDEA...

Well, they've desecrated one comic book universe...and now they're coming for yours! Yes--Keith Giffen, J.M. DeMatteis & Kevin Maguire are here to do that thing they do--and the Marvel Universe will never be the same!(Ok, so maybe we're exaggerating...but wasn't Marvel built on a foundation of overheated hyperbole?)"

16) Are the words "Bwa-ha-ha" uttered at any time during this?

Alas, no "BWA-HA-HA", but there is some "KWA-THOOOM!", "KRA-KOOOOM!", "THA-RAASSSH!" and "OOOOOOMMM!!"

17) Does the Hulk get addicted to Oreos?

HULK HATE PUNY COOKIES WITH WHITE FILLING! HULK ONLY EAT NUTTER BUTTERS! NUTTER BUTTERS! WIMP BANNER EATS OREOS WITH MILK! BAH! HULK SMASH MILK! HULK WON'T TWIST COOKIE AND LICK CENTER BEFORE MASHING WITH TEETH! HULK'S TEETH THE STRONGEST ONES THERE IS!

18) Do we have a flashback sequence to Clea being raped by Dormammu, leading to the Defenders voting to wipe his mind? Because that's damn good drama, right there.

Good drama, and good comics! Clea's rape leads the Defenders who responded to her cry for help (Hellcat, Nighthawk, Moondragon and Son of Satan) to make a pact that they would never let the rest of the Defenders know what happened. After a number of years, though, Moondragon's mind wipe has started to wear off. Dormammu starts remembering...things...

Of course, when Moon Knight shows up while they're in the middle of the mind wiping...

19) Does Moon Knight know he was mind wiped or does he at least suspect?

Why do you think JoeQ has been making such a big deal about Moon Knight recently? He will soon remember everything the Defenders have done, and turn on them, vowing to never help them again! There will come...a crisis...

20) Does this mean that Namor will be shot in the head as part of the House of M?

Having figured out that his company Oracle Incorporated was hostilely taken over by former S.H.I.E.L.D. Commander, Nick Fury, Namor tracks Fury to an AIM headquarters in Belgium where he confronts him. After being taken down by a Spider-Slayer, Nick offers Namor a choice, join him or die.

"Rot in hell, Nick."

I think we all know what happens next.



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