By Ben Heller

We are serious artists

I went to high school with a guy who liked to play guitar and sing acoustic versions of early 90’s hits at school sponsored concerts. He wasn’t a “guitar player,” nor was he a “singer,” he simply liked to do both and wasn’t particularly good at either. And I bring this up for two reasons. Reason number one is that knowing his musical taste, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is one of the (gasp, quite possibly) one million people who’ll purchase Coldplay’s much-hyped X&Y this week. Reason number two is that I bet there are a few hundred British people my age who remember Coldplay’s Chris Martin as the guy who used to play crap versions of “Creep” and “Under the Bridge” in their school cafeteria.

Luuuuuuuuurve.

And while this is (sort of) a swipe at Mr. Paltrow’s level of creativity and talent, in no way does this mean that Coldplay’s everyman-makes-good success is a complete accident. Bands just don’t reach Coldplay levels of success by accident – well, except for Matchbox 20. In fact, the thought of Chris Martin singing an irony-free, tone-deaf acoustic version of “Today” in front of his library steps is precisely what makes this band so ridiculously popular in the first place. Coldplay’s trademark blend of watered down, piano-based U2-style epics is almost comically non-threatening. In a time of Limp Bizkits, Coldplay gave us “rock” suitable for the whole family. Their entire catalogue is catchy enough that dudes enjoy it, and emotionally uplifting enough that chicks dig it even more. In other words, Coldplay will be closing proms and mixtapes until little Apple Martin has an undeserved Oscar of her own.

But it didn’t have to be this way.

After all, bands who become Coldplay popular after two albums have two choices. Choice number one is to play it safe, which X&Y does to a snooze-inducing fault. Choice number two is to take all the success and adulation and knock people in the crotch with a take-it-or-leave-it record of full of ambition and creativity. It worked for Pearl Jam. It worked for Smashing Pumpkins. It didn’t work for Oasis, but hey, at least they tried. And most importantly, it worked for Radiohead – the band whose career trajectory Coldplay has (until now) followed to a T, right down to Chris Martin’s jerky stage spasms at the piano and his insistence on letting you know how he feels about fair trade.

At first both Radiohead and Coldplay were made up of British University kids who put out spotty, successful first albums with a soft-verse, loud-chorus hit single. And while each band was successful off the bat, you didn’t get the feeling that either of them would come back with a second album worth much of a damn. But both did. Radiohead’s The Bends transformed the band from being another post-Nirvana one hit wonder into the intelligent rock band du’jour of the mid 90’s. The same can be said for Coldplay’s remarkably crafted A Rush of Blood to the Head. Using The Bends as a thematic blueprint (right down to featuring a cold, computerized headshot on the cover), Coldplay did a complete 180. Where they used to be plodding and repetitive (“Yellow”) they were epic and soaring (“In My Place”). Where they used to be whiny and insufferable (the Dave Matthews inspired “Oh no, what’s this?” of “Trouble), they became confident and powerful (the Bono aping “Nothing else compaaaaaaaares” of “Clocks”). A piano hadn’t sounded this cool for three hundred years.

Which brings us to the aforementioned album number three crossroads. Radiohead famously retreated to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman’s private castle and emerged with one of the greatest albums ever made. And Coldplay did not.

You wish.

Of course it’s completely unfair to say that X&Y pales in comparison OK Computer – after all, most albums do – it’s just that at a time when Coldplay should have reemerged with something adventurous, unique and different, they didn’t even try. X&Y simply happens to be one of the most calculated, boring, water-treading “event” records in years. Maybe it’s not totally their fault that X&Y doesn’t meet the lofty expectations that came with it, but dude, where’s my creativity?

It doesn’t help that Coldplay tipped their hand too easily. The two best songs on X&Y are the ones you already know. The first single “Speed of Sound” might sound quite a bit like “Clocks,” and it happens to be the best song on X&Y about the beauty and mystery of outer space. And the weepy instant classic, “Fix You,” which was already featured on The O.C and Saturday Night Live, happens to be the best song on X&Y about the beauty and mystery of love.

Now you might find this hard to believe, but the rest of X&Y is simply made up of unspectacularly nondescript tunes about the beauty and mystery of outer space and/or love. You would think that after three records Chris Martin would find something else to write about, but apparently he’s not capable. On X&Y’s “A Message,” a song that sounds like a weakened version of A Rush of Blood’s “Green Eyes” Martin even sings “My song is love” a number of times. Yeah, no shit big guy. Tell me something I don’t know.

But apparently he can’t.

What's in the cup?

X&Y literally alternates between fast songs about space and slow songs about love for the entire running time. It gets to a point where even though Coldplay’s trademark U2-lite is pleasant enough to listen to, Martin’s repetitive pontifications about space, love, the sky, the sun, the world and our insignificant place in it becomes laughable. Come to think of it, even the one Coldplay song with a title that hints at something other than love or space, A Rush of Blood’s “Politik” is in fact a love song about outer space.

But that’s how Coldplay began their last album. This time around, X&Y begins with the “Politik”-like “Square One,” where eerie keyboards give way to Martin saying “Urine control.” Eventually you realize he’s saying “You’re in control,” and then reassures us that indeed, “the future’s for discovering the space in which we’re traveling.” Then the instruments pick up and for the next hour we’re back in the land of Coldplay, where there’s little more to life than questioning outer space and feeling insecure about your high-profile relationship.

And that’s about it, which makes X&Y quite possibly the most over-hyped, anti-climactic album ever made. The entire thing blends together into one unremarkable collage of everything Coldplay (and U2, for that matter) have already done. This album shows that Chris Martin is little more than a guy who likes to play the piano and sing, only with an enormous production budget. Granted Coldplay didn’t have an OK Computer in them, but they needed to at least try. They needed a Vitalogy. A Blur. A Summerteeth. Even a fricking Zooropa would have sufficed. But no, Coldplay were content to give the world Another Rush of Blood to the Head.

So thanks for the effort guys. Next time stop worrying about making trade fair and concern yourself with making music good. But if not, I’m sure all of your softie fans will just love the fourth Coldplay album, More Songs about Love and Outer Space. And if that’s the case, then I won’t even bother burning it off of a co-worker.

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