by the YMB investigative team

Never shy of controversy, Marvel Comics have been turning the notch up at every opportunity, making the fanboys sit up and take note whenever possible and hyping the shit out of their products. Most recently, with Avengers Disassembled, Avengers fans the length and breadth of the World (yes, the World) have been divided - what did they do to Wanda? Why did Hawkeye have to die like a damn fool when he could have just taken the arrows off and put some water on them? How come the Avengers let Magneto just float in and take possibly the most dangerous adversary they have ever battled away? Well, we know the answer to the last one.

In any case, the Marvel hype machine has been going overboard these last few years and this is most evident in the monthly solicitations for their books. Superlatives abound, out go the boring issue descriptions, in go more and more exclamation points!!!! Internets will be split. You will not believe what is going to happen in this book (and these other ones too). Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But who writes these solicitations and what power do they actually have? The answer will shock you; guaranteed*.

Marvel have, quite rightly, thrown a protective field stronger than that of Sue Storm around the identities and workings of their solicitations department. It is as impenetrable as Luke Cage's left pectoral and they remain a mystery. Through diligent and painstaking research and detective work (not to mention a fortuitous phone call from someone claiming to be a member of the group) we have managed to uncover the truth about the men and women who are changing the face of the comics solicitation landscape.

Fudgesickles

When Mr. X called us, we were a little skeptical. He made bold claims about the origins of the solicitation team (he called them Sols, we will keep that name as it is shorter to type) and how they were groomed and trained, but he could offer no proof. It was difficult over the phone, even when he was holding up signed documents. So, we decided to meet as at least we could claim the lunch as a write-off.

We were to meet Mr. X at a shopping mall just outside Poughkeepsie and we duly arrived half an hour before the appointed time.

After eating our way through two boxes of fudgesickles, we decided he was not going to show. As we made to leave, a shadowy figure dressed in a luminous green "Market Basket" uniform leapt out and introduced himself as Mr X. He apologised for the wait, but said he had to make sure we weren't followed. He then quickly led us to the "Market Basket" store at the far end of the mall and up the back stairs.

The room was small and dimly lit. Across the main wall was a large window which looked out across the entire store. Along the desk was an amazing array of alarm clocks and a single stand microphone in the middle. Mr X took off his jacket and sat in the chair in front of the microphone.

We began by asking how he got into the whole business.

Dank

Mr. X: "I answered an ad in the local paper that was looking for 'People who were looking for a dynamic career in public relations and communications within a major publication house'. I had done a little work on my college newspaper and once handed out leaflets for toilet cleaner dressed as a giant turd, so thought why not?"

YMB: "How were the interviews?"

X: "Not tough at all. They asked the standard questions about previous experience, pastimes, whether you had ever read "Ultimate Adventures"; that sort of thing. Then curiously, they asked if anyone knew I was there. When I said no, the interviewer grinned. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a dank room."

A Mickey Mouse alarm clock shrilled into life and we jumped. So did Mr X, but he had a purpose, grabbing the microphone and slamming a chubby finger onto the black button at the base.


"ATTENTION TRUE BELIEVERS! FREE RANGE EGGS ON AT BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE FOR TODAY ONLY! SNAP UP THESE NUTRITIOUS PRODUCTS NOW... YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!"

We sat bolt upright. Could this indeed be a member of the Marvel Solicitations team?

X: "Sorry about that. I have to do these promo spots every so often."

YMB: "I see. Uh, where were we?"

X: "I woke up in a dank room."

YMB: "Ah yes. Press ganged, so to speak? And where was this room?"

X: "In a mountain in the Adirondacks. I didn't find this out until later, and then when I asked about the location, they mentioned they had a British consultant who recommended it. I saw him on occasion, wandering around shouting about pervert suits and demanding Red Bull."

YMB: "I see. Go on."

X: "The training was horrific. First we were stripped naked and covered in printers' ink. Then we had to roll on huge canvases for an hour at a time, emptying our minds of all fact and concentrating on nonsense. We were not fed for hours at a time, with access only to rancid water from dripping taps in the corner of the room. Many broke easily, but a few of us did all we could to hold onto our sanity. Then they brought out the projector and showed us wall sized pages from 'Trouble'. Our wills were gone."

Ringmaster

X: "It could have been worse. I think that Brian Michael Bendis had been asked to plan out the training but in the end he needed another couple of weeks which would have crippled some of us."

YMB: "So, what was all this for?"

X: "To break us and remould us into the footsoldiers of a new revolution. We were to work endlessly, day and night to come up with the most outrageous solicitations ever. We were hype central within Marvel, and would try to outdo each other each month."

YMB: "How many were in the team?"

X: "A lot. One person per book and a separate team for the trades."

YMB: "One person per book? That is a lot. So, one person did the ringmaster job per comic. That couldn't have been that difficult. You would have a whole month to come up with something great wouldn't you?"

X: "You'd think but...."

Golden Pedestal

An "Uck, Uck, Uck, Uck" sound filled the air and Mr. X slammed the top of the Popeye clock, before grabbing the microphone again.

"BRIGHT AND BREEZY FABRIC CONDITIONER IS ON SPECIAL ALL THIS WEEK! WIN A TRIP TO HONG KONG BY BUYING A PACK AND ANSWERING AN EASY QUESTION! IF YOU'RE THE ONE NOT BUYING THIS FABRIC CONDITIONER, THEN WHY NOT? FABRIC CONDITIONER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!!!"

X: "So, yeah, you'd think. However, the pressure was on. If you didn't hype it up enough and sales fell, then you were out."

YMB: "Sacked?"

X: "At first. No one knew what happened to those who were shown the door after poor sales."

YMB: "Surely the PR people can't be responsible for poor sales? Doesn't some of the blame fall with the creators?"

X: "The creators sit on a golden pedestal, surrounded by willing juniors who bathe and lick their feet for about 8 hours a day. They don't take the wrap for anything. Sols had to produce the goods, or they were out."

YMB: "I see."

X: "The best guy there? Well, I don't need to say anything more than he's the 'Spider-Girl' maestro."

YMB: "Hmmm. And what about minis?"

X: "Some weren't minis. They were ongoings, but solicited as minis. That was to put the pressure on some whom the bosses thought were coasting it through. If sales were good, then the minis went to an ongoing and the person was rewarded. If the mini did actually end, so did the Sols person's contract."

YMB: "So, the job was a standard PR/marketing job to hype sales and make profits?"

X: "That was the first stage."

YMB: "The first stage?"

Bloated

Casper the friendly ghost chuckled in the corner.

"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BOWEL MOVEMENTS? FEELING BLOATED BUT BRAN DOES NOTHING? THEN CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL OVER AT AISLE 12. 50% OFF ALL LAXATIVES FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY. THIS OFFER WILL CRACK YOUR CHEEKS RIGHT IN HALF!!!!"

X: "Don't you see? This is just the first step. People will now just skim over the solicits quickly, absorbing the hype and bull without thinking. Next, they'll start slipping in subliminal messages and before you know it, the entire comic book reading population of this planet will be mindless zombies, addicted to Marvel product and totally under the control of the Sols."

When we pointed out that a high percentage of existing comic book readers were already addicted to Marvel product, Mr. X just shook his head and muttered that he was "Too late. Far too late."

X: "The Sols are taking over the asylum now. They come up with the storylines. An elite cabal of the very best Sols work tirelessly to come up with more outrageous and outlandish stories which previously Marvel or other companies would never touch. 'Sins Past'? 'Avengers Disassembled'? 'Spider-Man/Black Cat' was the first of the revolution. It'll never be finished because they don't want it to be finished. They want the hype, buzz, controversy, whatever. They need it. They feed on it as do the fanboys out there. And the more the hype, the more you all get sucked in."

A.I.M.

We were interrupted by Security who said we had to leave. Even though I admired the colourful A.I.M. security badges, we were not allowed to stay.

Mr. X looked shaken as we departed, but we arranged to meet up later that night.

We never heard from him again, and when we revisited the store they said they did not recall him working there. We were offered a free box of cookies and left.

Was he telling the truth? Are there sinister goings on amidst the Marvel solicitations? We were given no concrete proof by Mr X, so it is merely his word against an industrial PR machine. Hopefully, he will return one day and we will finally get to the bottom of this.

Until then. Make mine Marvel.

Please discuss this on the message boards.

* Not guaranteed or underwritten in any way, shape or form.