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by the YMB investigative team
Never shy of controversy, Marvel Comics have been turning the notch up at every opportunity, making the fanboys sit up and take note whenever possible and hyping the shit out of their products. Most recently, with Avengers Disassembled, Avengers fans the length and breadth of the World (yes, the World) have been divided - what did they do to Wanda? Why did Hawkeye have to die like a damn fool when he could have just taken the arrows off and put some water on them? How come the Avengers let Magneto just float in and take possibly the most dangerous adversary they have ever battled away? Well, we know the answer to the last one.
In any case, the Marvel hype machine has been going overboard these last few years and this is most evident in the monthly solicitations for their books. Superlatives abound, out go the boring issue descriptions, in go more and more exclamation points!!!! Internets will be split. You will not believe what is going to happen in this book (and these other ones too). Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
But who writes these solicitations and what power do they actually have? The answer will shock you; guaranteed*.
Marvel have, quite rightly, thrown a protective field stronger than that of Sue Storm around the identities and workings of their solicitations department. It is as impenetrable as Luke Cage's left pectoral and they remain a mystery. Through diligent and painstaking research and detective work (not to mention a fortuitous phone call from someone claiming to be a member of the group) we have managed to uncover the truth about the men and women who are changing the face of the comics solicitation landscape.
Fudgesickles
When Mr. X called us, we were a little skeptical. He made bold claims about the origins of the solicitation team (he called them Sols, we will keep that name as it is shorter to type) and how they were groomed and trained, but he could offer no proof. It was difficult over the phone, even when he was holding up signed documents. So, we decided to meet as at least we could claim the lunch as a write-off.
We were to meet Mr. X at a shopping mall just outside Poughkeepsie and we duly arrived half an hour before the appointed time.
After eating our way through two boxes of fudgesickles, we decided he was not going to show. As we made to leave, a shadowy figure dressed in a luminous green "Market Basket" uniform leapt out and introduced himself as Mr X. He apologised for the wait, but said he had to make sure we weren't followed. He then quickly led us to the "Market Basket" store at the far end of the mall and up the back stairs.
The room was small and dimly lit. Across the main wall was a large window which looked out across the entire store. Along the desk was an amazing array of alarm clocks and a single stand microphone in the middle. Mr X took off his jacket and sat in the chair in front of the microphone.
We began by asking how he got into the whole business.
Dank
Mr. X: "I answered an ad in the local paper that was looking for 'People who were looking for a dynamic career in public relations and communications within a major publication house'. I had done a little work on my college newspaper and once handed out leaflets for toilet cleaner dressed as a giant turd, so thought why not?"
YMB: "How were the interviews?"
X: "Not tough at all. They asked the standard questions about previous experience, pastimes, whether you had ever read "Ultimate Adventures"; that sort of thing. Then curiously, they asked if anyone knew I was there. When I said no, the interviewer grinned. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a dank room."
A Mickey Mouse alarm clock shrilled into life and we jumped. So did Mr X, but he had a purpose, grabbing the microphone and slamming a chubby finger onto the black button at the base.
"ATTENTION TRUE BELIEVERS! FREE RANGE EGGS ON AT BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE FOR TODAY ONLY! SNAP UP THESE NUTRITIOUS PRODUCTS NOW... YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!!!"
We sat bolt upright. Could this indeed be a member of the Marvel Solicitations team?
X: "Sorry about that. I have to do these promo spots every so often."
YMB: "I see. Uh, where were we?"
X: "I woke up in a dank room."
YMB: "Ah yes. Press ganged, so to speak? And where was this room?"
X: "In a mountain in the Adirondacks. I didn't find this out until later, and then when I asked about the location, they mentioned they had a British consultant who recommended it. I saw him on occasion, wandering around shouting about pervert suits and demanding Red Bull."
YMB: "I see. Go on."
X: "The training was horrific. First we were stripped naked and covered in printers' ink. Then we had to roll on huge canvases for an hour at a time, emptying our minds of all fact and concentrating on nonsense. We were not fed for hours at a time, with access only to rancid water from dripping taps in the corner of the room. Many broke easily, but a few of us did all we could to hold onto our sanity. Then they brought out the projector and showed us wall sized pages from 'Trouble'. Our wills were gone."
Ringmaster
X: "It could have been worse. I think that Brian Michael Bendis had been asked to plan out the training but in the end he needed another couple of weeks which would have crippled some of us."
YMB: "So, what was all this for?"
X: "To break us and remould us into the footsoldiers of a new revolution. We were to work endlessly, day and night to come up with the most outrageous solicitations ever. We were hype central within Marvel, and would try to outdo each other each month."
YMB: "How many were in the team?"
X: "A lot. One person per book and a separate team for the trades."
YMB: "One person per book? That is a lot. So, one person did the ringmaster job per comic. That couldn't have been that difficult. You would have a whole month to come up with something great wouldn't you?"
X: "You'd think but...."
Golden Pedestal
An "Uck, Uck, Uck, Uck" sound filled the air and Mr. X slammed the top of the Popeye clock, before grabbing the microphone again.
"BRIGHT AND BREEZY FABRIC CONDITIONER IS ON SPECIAL ALL THIS WEEK! WIN A TRIP TO HONG KONG BY BUYING A PACK AND ANSWERING AN EASY QUESTION! IF YOU'RE THE ONE NOT BUYING THIS FABRIC CONDITIONER, THEN WHY NOT? FABRIC CONDITIONER LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!!!"
X: "So, yeah, you'd think. However, the pressure was on. If you didn't hype it up enough and sales fell, then you were out."
YMB: "Sacked?"
X: "At first. No one knew what happened to those who were shown the door after poor sales."
YMB: "Surely the PR people can't be responsible for poor sales? Doesn't some of the blame fall with the creators?"
X: "The creators sit on a golden pedestal, surrounded by willing juniors who bathe and lick their feet for about 8 hours a day. They don't take the wrap for anything. Sols had to produce the goods, or they were out."
YMB: "I see."
X: "The best guy there? Well, I don't need to say anything more than he's the 'Spider-Girl' maestro."
YMB: "Hmmm. And what about minis?"
X: "Some weren't minis. They were ongoings, but solicited as minis. That was to put the pressure on some whom the bosses thought were coasting it through. If sales were good, then the minis went to an ongoing and the person was rewarded. If the mini did actually end, so did the Sols person's contract."
YMB: "So, the job was a standard PR/marketing job to hype sales and make profits?"
X: "That was the first stage."
YMB: "The first stage?"
Bloated
Casper the friendly ghost chuckled in the corner.
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH BOWEL MOVEMENTS? FEELING BLOATED BUT BRAN DOES NOTHING? THEN CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL OVER AT AISLE 12. 50% OFF ALL LAXATIVES FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY. THIS OFFER WILL CRACK YOUR CHEEKS RIGHT IN HALF!!!!"
X: "Don't you see? This is just the first step. People will now just skim over the solicits quickly, absorbing the hype and bull without thinking. Next, they'll start slipping in subliminal messages and before you know it, the entire comic book reading population of this planet will be mindless zombies, addicted to Marvel product and totally under the control of the Sols."
When we pointed out that a high percentage of existing comic book readers were already addicted to Marvel product, Mr. X just shook his head and muttered that he was "Too late. Far too late."
X: "The Sols are taking over the asylum now. They come up with the storylines. An elite cabal of the very best Sols work tirelessly to come up with more outrageous and outlandish stories which previously Marvel or other companies would never touch. 'Sins Past'? 'Avengers Disassembled'? 'Spider-Man/Black Cat' was the first of the revolution. It'll never be finished because they don't want it to be finished. They want the hype, buzz, controversy, whatever. They need it. They feed on it as do the fanboys out there. And the more the hype, the more you all get sucked in."
A.I.M.
We were interrupted by Security who said we had to leave. Even though I admired the colourful A.I.M. security badges, we were not allowed to stay.
Mr. X looked shaken as we departed, but we arranged to meet up later that night.
We never heard from him again, and when we revisited the store they said they did not recall him working there. We were offered a free box of cookies and left.
Was he telling the truth? Are there sinister goings on amidst the Marvel solicitations? We were given no concrete proof by Mr X, so it is merely his word against an industrial PR machine. Hopefully, he will return one day and we will finally get to the bottom of this.
Until then. Make mine Marvel.
Please discuss this on the message boards.
* Not guaranteed or underwritten in any way, shape or form.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 03:58 AM
by Mike Ducey
The Youth Movement
There’s a new crop of point guards who have come into the league over the last couple of seasons who all show signs of turning into quality NBA players. Chicago’s Kirk Hinrich, Indiana’s Jamaal Tinsley, Seattle’s Luke Ridnour and New Orleans’ Dan Dickau have all shown the potential to develop into reliable floor generals.
And that’s just where it starts. An even younger crop of point guards is just waiting for the opportunity to bust out. The LA Clippers Shaun Livingston is a 19 year-old 6’7” classic style point guard, a combination of size and point guard skills that is not seen very often. People rave about his court vision and passing ability. At his height he can see over defenses, a distinct advantage for a quality passer. He has a lot to prove but his skillset is undeniable.
The Clippers would be wise to build their future around phenom Shaun Livingston and his hair
Portland’s Sebastian Telfair is another 19 year-old with a good future ahead of him. Telfair has similar upside to Livingston although in a much smaller 6’ frame. The kid just seems to know where everybody is on the court at all times and makes difficult passes look easy.
It’s hard to imagine how good each of these players could potentially be after a few years of experience. Afterall, they have 5-6 seasons under their respective belts they’ll still just be entering their primes.
One of my personal favorite PGs is Memphis’ Earl Watson. Watson has been stuck behind Jason Williams in the pecking order but when he gets on the floor it’s apparent that his basketball IQ is superior to that of Williams’. Somebody needs to give that kid a chance to play 30 minutes a night. Watson is a free agent this offseason and hopes to find a home where he can be the starting point guard. Somebody will be very happy that they gave him the chance to do so.
And that’s not to knock J-Will. Williams has regressed some as of late, but over the previous two seasons his game had been successfully reigned in to the point that the notoriously wild guard was near the top of the league in assist-to-turnover ratio. While it is good to see J-Will learn from his experiences he is best in a platoon situation, sharing the load with another quality point guard.
My game is real, but I am not!
Thinking Outside the Box
This set of players is a group of non-traditional point guards. For the most part these guys have taken on specific roles to augment the talent that their teams have at other positions.
In Houston Tracy McGrady and Yao Ming get most of the touches on offense. Early in the season the Rockets realized that they had a black hole at the point guard spot and made a number of moves in an attempt to address that weakness. Independently none of the players that Houston brought in are talented enough to run the team, but the strengths of these players complement each other very well. Mike James is the most traditional-style point guard on the roster, but he is most effective as a role player. Bob Sura is a key player for the Rockets because although he is not really a true point guard (or shooting guard, for that matter) he does all the little things that need to be done. It is very important for a team that is built around 2 all-stars to have players like Sura aboard to do the dirty work. Some games Sura will score 20 points. Other games Sura won’t score at all but will wind up with double-digit assists. And sometimes you look at a Houston box score and see that Sura led the team in rebounds that night. Sura fills in gaps wherever those gaps may be on any given night. He may not do anything exceptionally well but he does a little bit of everything well enough. David Wesley and Jon Barry also play important roles in the backcourt, serving as the deep threats. When defenses key in on Yao and T-Mac these guys can go off.
Chauncy Billups winds up in this section because he is a tough guard to classify. At times Chauncey shows good passing skills and at other times he is more of a scorer. Chauncey has a deceptively quick first step and loves to attack the basket. Detroit, as mentioned earlier, is a defensive-minded team and Chauncey brings toughness to the backcourt. If Billups was asked to be a primary scorer or conversely to shoot the ball less his weaknesses would be more apparent, but he is a perfect fit in his role with the Pistons, and seems to get better with experience.
The Miami Heat’s Damon Jones takes 3 pointers. That’s what he does, and he does it well. On some rosters this approach would lead to a lot of bench warming but he’s a great fit for the Heat. For one thing, phenom Dwyane Wade is the primary ball-handler and passer on this team, and that’s not going to change anytime soon. Secondly, the offense runs through Shaq in the paint, and having a deep threat like Damon Jones waiting for the kick-out pass is vital to the team’s success. Jones has embraced his role as a jump shooter and has fit in very nicely with his teammates.
Jeff McInnis plays a similar role in Cleveland, as a jump shooting threat on a team that has a player at a different position responsible for the ball-handling and decision-making. You may have heard of him, a young hotshot named LeBron James. James is an unquestioned future superstar in the NBA. He is an uncanny passer, particularly for a small forward. McInnis thrived earlier this season playing aside James but slumped toward the end of the season. Cleveland could use a stronger backcourt to help out LBJ, and odds are that this weakness will be addressed over the offseason. If McInnis stays on the roster he’ll likely come off the bench, the role that he is most suited for given his ability to spell either a point guard or shooting guard.
Atlanta’s Tyronn Lue, the Lakers’ Chucky Atkins, Utah’s Keith McLeod and Milwaukee’s Maurice Williams are other players who have been pressed into starting roles because there are no better options on their respective teams. Each has had big games here and there but none are likely to be start at the point guard slot for their teams long term.
Wildcards
Lastly, there are two very intriguing young point guards in the league who have shown flashes of brilliance but are far too inconsistent at this point in their careers. Toronto’s Rafer “Skip to my Loo” Alston and New Orleans’ Speedy Claxton are two players whose development I will closely be watching. Alston is very talented but frequently tries to do too much. He is a former street baller and plays on sheer instinct a lot of the time. Instincts such as his cannot be taught by coaches, but he has the tendency (again, the “t” word) to rely on those instincts too much. Alston has had clashes with his coach this season, another big red flag for a young player. If Alston can learn to trust his teammates and his coaches, he could flourish in the NBA. But right now that “if” looms pretty large.
Claxton is another very quick player (no, “Speedy” is not his birth name) who can beat almost anybody off the dribble. But Claxton tends to play a little bit out of control, and he is unlikely to beat out sound decision-maker Dan Dickau for the starting position next season. It would be great to see what Speedy could do if given the reigns to a young talented team, but he may be destined to be a backup. Claxton does have a high ceiling talent-wise, perhaps that talent could still lead to future success.
The NBA lost a big chunk of its fan base after Michael Jordan retired. While young players such as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony are bringing back some of that lost swagger it’s the overall quality of the NBA that must improve if it is to win back fans. With more and more talented players running teams from the point guard position the league is primed for a comeback, and if half of these younger players reach their potential the NBA will be in good hands for a long time.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:12 AM
by Jim Dandy
We’re right around the quarter way point for the baseball season, and what better time for knee-jerk predictions than at an arbitrary cutoff point 3 months before the games really matter! Seriously, though, by the 40, 41 game mark, some things cease to be hot starts and start to turn into good years. And it’s a good time to peer into the crystal ball and see what might be coming.
American League
What I like:
Baltimore. Baltimore has been playing out of their tree so far. They’ve been hitting the cover off the ball, particularly Brian Roberts, and Sammy Sosa hasn’t been doing anything yet. Wait until he gets a chance to cork his bats up, and then see how good they’re doing. Their starting pitching, while young, has been fantastic, and with the run support they’re getting, fantasy-wise, their starters should have good everything except ERA and WHIP.
Boston. Confession, if you didn’t already figure it out: I’m a Sawx fan. And, not to gloat, but a few members of the community who have been there through our travels might remember me saying Matt Clement is a great pickup for Boston. Turns out I was right. So far. On top of that, you’ve got Bronson Pinchot Arroyo pitching lights out, and Schilling and Wells on the DL. These guys are going to be rough come September and October.
ChiSox. Where the hell did this come from? Sweet Jesus, they’re scoring runs, their pitchers are throwing great, and all of a sudden these guys have the best record in the majors. They have led at some point in every game they’ve played so far, and they’re 14-5 in one run games. I have NO idea what this is about, and I have even less of a clue if they can keep it up. Minnesota seems like they’re winning every day the Sox lose. I don’t know. Keep an eye on them for the wild card.
Johan Santana. Went almost a calendar year without losing. He’s amazing.
John Garland & Mark Buehrle. Buster Olney’s blog on ESPN.com has a story (Insider only, sorry) about how Buehrle never shakes off a sign from his catcher, just throws what the guy tells him to. Garland noticed this, and decided to do the same thing. The two are now a combined 15-1. And the hysterical part of this? Their catcher is A.J. Pierzynski, the guy called a “cancer” by his pitchers in San Francisco.
Brian Roberts. He’s already more than doubled his home run totals from a year ago, and if you look at all the long doubles he hit last year, it’s fairly clear that his power isn’t due to a complex understanding of chemistry. He’s also third in batting average (.370), hits (on pace for just over 200) and RBI (30, on pace for more than 120), first in runs, and second in homers, on base percentage and steals. That’s just ridiculous.
What I Don’t Like:
Oakland: Hit the damn ball already! This is Moneyball at its worst. For those who don’t know, Moneyball is the theory that you go after players who get on base a lot—high on base percentage. That’s great and all, but at this point they seem to be waiting for the other team to walk in a run for them. There’s a BIG BLACK LINE between patience and lack of aggression. The A’s are completely lacking in aggression. Also: dump Dotel. He’s not working out too good.
Cleveland: Come on. Caam ahn. Caaaaam aaahn. Aah?
The Indians were supposed to compete for the AL Central crown this year. Their kids were finally going to come of age. Instead, they’re playing like crap and, if not for the Royals (returned from their brief foray into mediocrity), would be bringing up the rear of the division. Coco Crisp (swear to God, here's his bio) is more concerned with his rap album than the game, and what’s up with Travis Hafner, a sneaky late round fantasy pickup for the last few years? All his stats are down from last year, and last year was supposed to be the start of a trend, not a fluke.
Closers: This goes for both leagues. Keith Foulke’s ERA is over 7, Mariano Rivera blew a few saves in April, and Octavio Dotel just blew. Armando Benitez spared the Giants about 15 late-season lost leads by demolishing his hammy, HHH style (trying to put Felipe Alou through a table, oddly enough) and Danny Kolb is alternating between “good closer” and “no wonder he used to play for the Brewers.” Also, the Cubs (need I say more?) It seems like the only name who can still get anyone out is Joe Nathan. The White Sox are using a committee (Hermanson and Takatsu). All the healthy ones should come around at some point, though. It’s mostly just early season mechanical problems. Except Dotel. He sucks.
NL Transplants: Adrian Beltre and Edgar Renteria are both hitting like crap, Richie Sexon’s batting average is about 50 points lower than his career average, and Randy Johnson isn’t pitching like the Big Unit (I remember hearing somewhere that his wife gave him that nickname. Yeah, you keep telling yourself it’s because he’s 6’11”, Peter Gammons). The plus side: they’re all in a period of adjustment. I fully expect Renteria and Sexon’s averages to climb after the all star break, and Beltre to just hit better overall, once they’re used to AL pitching. Don’t count on loads of power from Beltre, though. Safeco’s still a pitcher’s park. Look for a lot of doubles from him, and for his RBI numbers to continue being above average.
PREDICTIONS:
AL East: Boston
Before anyone goes whining about me being a homer, look at this: they haven’t been playing well this year at all, and they’re still only 2 games back.
AL Central: Minnesota
They just keep creeping up on the White Sox. I think they’re going to very slowly, very quietly walk off and hide with this division. It’ll be closer than in the past, but it’ll still be comfortable.
AL West: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of America of North America of the Western and Northern Hemispheres of Earth of the Milky Way
Making up for their intolerably stupid name by being the best team in the American League.
AL Wild Card: Baltimore
The White Sox will take this to the last weekend, but I have more faith in Brian Roberts’ hot start than I do in the White Sox’ record in one-run games.
Divisional: Angels over Baltimore, Boston over Minnesota
ALCS: Angels over Boston (Redemption!)
National League
What I Like:
Washington: Go Nats! Baseball belongs in DC. That is all.
St. Louis: Damn, the Cards are good. They can hit. They’re right near the top of the NL in runs, hits, RBI, OPS (on base percentage plus slugging percentage), homers and slugging percentage. And their pitching is great, too. They’re top 5 in the NL in wins, WHIP (walks and hits per inning pitched), strikeout/walk ratio, ERA and opponents’ OPS. And Jeff Suppan hasn’t run them out of any games. Yet. I don’t expect any of that to change. Except maybe Suppan.
Florida: The only team consistently ahead of the Cardinals in team pitching statistics. I fully expect Dontrelle Willis’ arm to fall off and flop around the mound at some point. Until then, his ERA should stay under 2 and he shouldn’t lose more than one or two games. And Mike Lowell hasn’t started hitting yet, a big reason for them being in second place in the NL East. Once he does, their entire offense will be tough to stop. They’re very good this year.
Ex-Red Sox Pitchers: Pedro Martinez is 4-1 and throwing great, Derek Lowe’s ERA is hovering around 3, and Brandon Lyon is right around the top of the major leagues in saves (though he’s hurt now). Everyone who said Pedro’s pitching was better suited to the NL, and that the lack of a designated hitter would add an inning a game to his stats was absolutely right. Now that Lowe is in a pitchers’ park, he’s flourishing. And Bob Melvin, the Diamondbacks’ manager, loves Lyon’s stuff and makeup, but Melvin also loves the sauce, so I think we should wait a little while to judge.
Clint Barmes: Colorado’s Rookie of the Year favorite. He’s leading the majors in batting average, and he’s on pace for 30 homers and over 100 RBI. And the greatest thing about him is he’s not a Coors Field fluke. He’s hitting .333 away from home this year. He’s going to be a very good player, and probably someone the Rockies can build around.
What I Don’t Like:
Houston: Much like Oakland, HIT THE DAMN BALL ALREADY! Unlike Oakland, they’re not moneyballers. They just can’t hit. And pitching isn’t a problem, either. They just can’t hit. To be fair, Lance Berkman started the season hurt and Jeff Bagwell might have to retire because of recurring shoulder problems. But still, how is Roger Clemens 3-2 with a 1.29 ERA after 9 starts? And on that note,
Roger Clemens: Just because, turncoat piece of slime-filled platypus crap.
Philadelphia: This is a team that was supposed to compete for the NL East crown this year, but instead they’re bringing up the rear. Some nights they can pitch but not hit. Some nights they can hit but not pitch. And a lot of nights, they can’t do much of either. They’re in the bottom 5 of the NL in ERA and opponents’ batting average on the pitching side, and the bottom 5 in runs scored, team batting average, OPS, and RBI. Jim Thome’s hurt, which is killing them on the offensive side. But the only solid, consistent pitching they can manage is out of Billy Wagner, their closer. And they have to, you know, be actually, like, leading the game for him to pitch.
Barry Bonds: There are three reasons why the Giants would be in last place in any other division (spared the “honor” by the blissfully terrible Colorado Rockies).
1. Jason Schmidt is hurt.
2. Barry’s hurt.
3. Barry has become a complete circus.
The Giants don’t know what the hell is going on with him. He keeps screwing up his rehab. And he insists on surrounding himself with people of questionable ethics, meaning his federally-indicted, steroid peddling personal trainer, and his surgeon, who is this close ::holds fingers REALLY close together, like your parents did:: to having his license revoked. Not to mention the whole federal investigation into his mistress/tax shelter thing. If the Giants could feasibly cut him loose, they should. Unfortunately, ticket sales would end up tanking worse than they are now.
Just About the Entire NL Central: Aside from the Cardinals and the surprising Brewers, the NL Central is awful. Pittsburgh is pretty not-good, and it says something about the division that they’re in third place. The Reds were supposed to be good, but their pitching is almost as bad as Colorado’s. The Cubs should fire Dusty “Wait until it gets hot outside” Baker and trade Kerry Wood for a closer (NOT DOTEL!) and a bat. And we’ve already discussed the disappointing Astros. This was arguably the best division in baseball before the season began, going possibly three or four teams deep into the pennant race. Now they’re fighting to avoid being the worst.
PREDICTIONS:
NL East: Florida
If Mike Lowell’s bat wakes up and their pitching stays healthy, I think they’ll end the Braves’ run of division titles. It’ll be a hot race, though.
NL Central: St. Louis
No question.
NL West: Dodgers
The top of their rotation is too good, and they just keep finding ways to win. They’re out of first right now, but I think they’ll make it back. The wild card for this team is when they start to put together a run. The sooner, the better.
NL Wild Card: Atlanta
I think they’ve got more than enough to make the postseason, possibly having a better record than the other two division champs. But Florida looks really good.
Divisional: St. Louis over Atlanta, Florida over LA
NLCS: St. Louis over Florida (goes 7, though)
WORLD SERIES:
St. Louis vs. the Angels. And who knows what might happen there?
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 11:59 PM
by Rajan Khanna
Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself
Hello and welcome to the first installment of All Your Base(ment) Belong to Us, a regular column that I will be writing. My name is Rajan, and I'm part of the management here at Your Mom's Basement.
What can you expect from this column? Well, I'm an aspiring writer, a musician, a voracious reader of fiction, often in the speculative genre, and a lover of movies, television and video games. I enjoy talking about the creative process, the nature of storytelling, the blending of genres and much more. This column will touch on all of that and more. My main goal is to be entertaining though I would also like to encourage discussion, specifically on our message board. So, now that introductions have been made, let's get on with the actual column.
Have Some Sympathy, and Some Taste
I've been thinking a lot recently about 'villains'. The word conjures up the costumed criminals of the comics, or perhaps the mustachioed men of the silent movies often tying women to the train tracks. I'm using the term to refer to the antagonists in many stories, the criminals in CSI, Darth Vader, Magneto, Sauron. Too often, however, the villains in stories are 2-dimensional, characters created only to be evil. Characters who do what they do only because the story demands it, not because of any inherent motivation. Motivation can be simple - the desire for money, for example. This motivates many criminals. Revenge is another. Power, still another. But motivation alone is not enough for a villain. That motivation should arise out of their character and personality.
In my opinion, the best villains are those that are somewhat sympathetic to the reader or viewer. Those who we can relate to, or whose motives we can understand. Villains shouldn't be a stereotype, a convenient embodiment of evil for evil's sake; villains should be characters who have motives that bring them into conflict with the hero. Otherwise the stories ring false.
I am crushing your head
Magneto, of the X-Men comics and movies, is a great example of a villain. Magneto's views are not incomprehensible. He is merely looking to protect other mutants like himself from persecution by normal humans. But whereas Professor X and the X-Men believe in peaceful coexistence, Magneto believes in violence as an acceptable solution. Magneto's motivation is understandable even if we disagree with his methods. This creates a sense of tension in the storyline. We can see that Magneto and the X-Men share a goal, but their separate methods create the conflict between them which adds an element of tragedy to the story.
Much as I have love for the Lord of the Rings stories, I think that Sauron, the big villain of that series is not a good example of a good villain. In the Lord of the Rings, Sauron has no real motivation other than a desire to reclaim the ring. Of course he wants to do so to regain his power and take over Middle-Earth, but the reasons for that are never really explained. * Tolkien's work falls into much the same trap that much of high fantasy does - the villains are there to be the "evil enemy" and that's it. We don't even really see Sauron throughout the story. It's really his minions who take the stage as the main enemies, and even then,. They are little more than extensions of him who get more screen or page time.
My precious...
If anyone stands out among the villains of the Lord of the Rings, it would have to be Gollum. Now some may not consider him to be a villain, but he does come into conflict with the heroes of the story. Now Gollum we can understand. He is, in many ways, a tragic, sympathetic creature. Much is made of how the One Ring has warped and abused him. In fact he's like a person in an abusive relationship, damaged by what he loves and yet drawn to it all the same. In the end, it is Gollum and not Sauron that poses the final conflict for Frodo and ultimately determines the final fate of Middle Earth.
I prefer my villains to be less overt, more subtle and understated, if there are even villains at all. I'm currently reading the Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny ** and one of the things about the book is that while there are plenty of antagonists, there are no real villains. There are just a bunch of people, all with differing motives that bring them into conflict (or sometimes the same motive). There's no good guy and no bad guy, there are just guys. We tend to relate and sympathize mostly with Corwin, as the viewpoint character and narrator, but even Corwin is not a white-hat wearing hero, and is notably an unreliable narrator. It lends more of a sense of political intrigue and there are no blacks or whites, merely many, many shades of grey.
Pleased to Meet You, Hope You Guess My Name
Sometimes, the supposed villain of a tale will actually seem more sympathetic than the so-called hero. This calls to mind the old fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin. If you remember your fairy tales, Rumpelstiltskin was a little gnomish character who helped out the poor miller's daughter who was expected to spin straw into gold. She was put into this position by her father, who trying to seem more important than he was, claimed that his daughter had this ability.
The king, being a greedy bastard, locked the miller's daughter (let's call her Sally for now) into a room and told her if she didn't spin all the straw into gold she would die. So, facing certain death, Sally is surprised when Rumpelstiltskin (un-named at this point)
appears and offers to do it for her in return for her necklace.
The greedy bastard king, rather than be happy, asks her to do it again. Rumpelstiltskin appears again and does it in return for her ring. Once again, he saves the day (though not without some recompense, as is fair, I think).
The greedy bastard king, still not satisfied, asks her to do it one more time, and this time throws in the added bonus that he'll marry her if she succeeds. Once more Rumpelstiltskin appears and says he'll help her for payment. She has nothing material left to give him so he asks for her firstborn child. What use he has for the child is unmentioned, but perhaps there is one - perhaps he just longs for a child of his own. Sally agrees and so the straw is spun into gold and she doesn't die and marries the greedy bastard king (who threatened to kill her, remember, if she didn't show him the money).
See? They make me look all maniacal...
A year or so passes and Sally, now queen, has a baby (I think it's usually a son in these stories, but the gender doesn't matter). Along comes Rumpy (I take license in abbreviation here) asking for what had been agreed to, Instead of giving him the child, a child born of the greedy bastard who had threatened to kill her, she balks. Now instead of being firm, Rumpy gives her one last chance to get out of it, by guessing his name. She tries and tries to no avail until with a messenger's help she finds it out and proclaims it triumphantly thereby getting out of the deal.
Rumpy, in the end, freaks out and clearly has anger issues (I believe he actually tears himself in two), but it can be said that he is not a bad guy. The fairy tale is typically told from the point of view of Sally, but as you can see, it's not as black and white as you might expect. That's another thing about villains - sometimes the villain depends on who's telling the story. The novel Wicked, for example, by Gregory Maguire, tells the story of the Wicked Witch of the West, from the Wizard of Oz, from her perspective, where her motivations are explained. And suddenly things change...
What's Puzzling You is the Nature of My Game
I think that's enough for this installment of the column. However, I'd love if people would stop by the message board to discuss your favorite villains, from any genre or medium, or to discuss the column. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Until next time.
* Granted, much of Sauron's background is explained in Tolkien's other texts, but that isn't really part of the LOTR trilogy.
** I'm actually re-reading the books for the fifth or sixth time. They are some of my favorite books ever. I heartily recommend them to anyone.
Please discuss this on the message boards.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 08:55 AM
by Ryan Higgins and the Your Mom's Basement staff
House of M. The Marvel Universe as you know it will never be the same! The summer's biggest mega-crossover classic begins right here! Mutants! Mutants!! Mutants!!! Does it stand up to the hype? Or does it come crashing down like a house of cards? We had a group of slavering fanboys ask Our Favorite Retailer Ryan Higgins 20-odd questions about the soon-to-be released comic book.
1) So, House of M... the "M" stands for what, exactly? Maddrox, the Multiple Man? Madame Web? Mwolverine?
Although Mwolverine is a good guess, I'm assuming House of M stands for "Maximoff", the last name of Scarlet Witch's adoptive parents. In case you've been living in a cave somewhere, the entire plot of House of M is Magneto uses Wanda's newfound powers of reality alteration to create a world in which mutants rule over humans, much like the reality-altering mini-series of the mid-90s, Age of Apocalypse. Although, I assume if Scarlet Witch and Magneto were ruling the world, she wouldn't call herself Maximoff anymore, would she? Shouldn't she be called Wanda Lehnsherr? Does "House of L" not have the same ring as "House of M"? Time will tell!
2) Are there any gratuitous deaths in the first issue and what do you believe the Bendis Gratuitous Death Ratio (BGDR) will be in the book?
There is not a single death in House of M #1, but I expect the BGDR will be very high as we're dealing with an alternative reality. Anything goes in these sort of situations. Why, maybe while Peter Parker is trying to save Gwen Stacy, somehow he dies! Wouldn't that be shocking? Why, think of all the gratuitous deaths this alternative universe could produce!
And why did I mention Gwen Stacy? It's almost like in this shocking, internet-breaking series, instead of MJ, Peter is still with Gwen! Shocking! Internet Breaking! Amazing! Spectacular! Web Of!
3) Is there any explanation why Beast keeps changing from a cat like creature to a bear like creature to something resembling my Aunt Vera?
Secondary artistic mutations.
4) Does the Third Summers brother get revealed in House of M? If not, is it because Marvel hates me?
No, and why is this plot line still dangling? Is it Gambit? Is it Wolverine? Does anyone even care? Cyclops is a whiney bitch and Havok just sucks. What are the odds that the third brother is going to be awesome? Very low, that's for sure. Mr. Sinister should have just wiped out the whole Summers clan when he had the chance. Maybe Xorn is the third Summers brother...
5) Did Wanda make the radiation on Genosha go away?
Much like Grant Morrison's entire run on New X-Men, it appears that Marvel just forgot about the radiation. It's a damn shame that the entire country of Genosha is just a smoldering pile of non-radioactive rubble with a chain of Hot Topics, as it's an interesting concept. Hopefully after everything returns to normal after House of M (because, let's be honest, we all know it will) they re-establish Genosha as a major plot point for the series.
6) Do you think Spider-Man will turn into an actual spider... again?
If it means he'll actually shoot the webbing out of his ass than his wrists, than yes, I think Spider-Man will turn into an actual spider.
7) Do you get free Lego, or compatible building blocks, with the issue?
This cover is actually the 1-in-15 "Joe Quesada" variant cover. There are a few other variant covers that Marvel is keeping under wraps until the issue actually ships; The 1-in-30 "This Will Get Retailers To Order More Copies" variant, the 1-in-100 "Pays For Your Rent - eBay" variant, and the 1-in-387210 "Does Anyone Actually Care About These Fucking Things Anymore?" variant. I'm sure they're in the process of working out a Second Prin...I mean...Limited Edition Variant Printing Cover Variant Limited Printing Variant Edition Lego Cover Printing as well.
8) What happens if you read this issue again knowing what you know about Wanda? What about if you read it again knowing what you know about Wonder Man? Or Bendis?
If you read this issue again, knowing what you know about Wanda, you come out with pretty much the same thing you came out with reading it the first time.
If you read it knowing what you know about Bendis, you'll be pleasantly surprised. This was a very good first issue, a far cry from Avengers Disassembled, the mess that started this whole story. Of course, being Marvel, I'm just not expecting much out of the whole series. When the most anyone knows about the series is that issue #3 will "break the internet in half," that's not a good sign. Still, it was an interesting first issue. We'll see where it goes from here.
9) Why don't they just bring the Phoenix back to life and get her to mud wrestle with Wanda? Maybe Donna Troy, too.
Mmmm...
Oh, sorry.
10) Now, the Wolverine in this, is it the brainwashed Wolverine from Millar's run, the Wolverine that appears in Astonishing X-Men or some other Wolverine entirely?
Wolverine, much like his counterpart in the wilds of nature, can actually split himself into perfect duplicates. It's a little known fact that there is actually only one wolverine in the world...all the others are just copies. This is how Wolverine can be a mass(off panel)murderer, in the Savage Land, and trapped in the X-Men Mansion, all at the same time! Why, if I'm not mistaken, Wolverine actually appears in a few panels of last week's Rann/Thanagar War #1! So, not only does Wolverine get knives that shoot out of his hands, he gets to bang all the hot X-Women AND split into multiple copies of himself? Man, if I was Multiple Man, I'd be PISSED.
11.) These aren't the Avengers! I hate them! I hate Bendis! I hate you all!
Yes, yes, these aren't the Avengers you're looking for... It seems that this is going to be the Avengers for a while (well, at least until Bendis stops writing the book) so get used to them. I'm sure Hawkeye and Vision and Ant Man will be back before you can say "Damnyoubendisyoukilledmychildhoodheroeswhydoesmarvelhatefreedom!"
12) Do you think this series will end with Wanda being a good witch or a bad witch?
Wanda isn't really a witch at all, but a traveling gypsy. For some reason. Anyway, I assume she'll make the "ultimate sacrifice" at the end and use her remaining power to restore the universe to the way it's supposed to be. Then, a few years down the road when Morgan Le Fay changes the world into a medieval world, Wonder Man will use his ionic powers to bring Scarlet Witch back to live. Ah, the circle of life.
13) Will this kick "Infinite Crisis'" ass up and down the street, or would it have a better chance if it had been named "Infinite M"?
As long as it's not called "Identity M", we're ok.
14) Does everyone still think Thor is just delusional? Is he still locked up in Banner's old cell?
I can only hope that Thor is right and everyone else is wrong and he kicks Ultimate Captain America's ass up and down the SHIELD hellicarr...
Wait, this is the wrong universe! Aarg, oh no, Wanda has transported this column into the Ultimate Universe by accident! What strange new powers and abilities will Ultimate Ryan have here? Why, I'm able to make Ultimate snarky comments about superhero comics! Look, I do things just like I did back in the normal universe, except now I do them Ultimately!
15) When does Onslaught show up?
Oh god, oh no. We just had to sit through another Age of Apocalypse mini-series, do we really need another Onslaught mini? Can't Marvel move on? If EvilWandaWorld Onslaught shows up and sends all the heroes to a crazy new world (read: the real Marvel Universe), I'll flip out and uppercut someone.
16) What role will the Young Avengers play in House of M?
All snark aside, Young Avengers is a good book. Allan Heinberg seems a capable writer with a good sense of continuity and characterization, not unlike what Geoff Johns was doing for DC a few year ago. I hope he's able to keep it up and hopefully Marvel will let him on a few other books, lightening the load off of Bendis' plate a bit.
17) If Vision's a robot, how the hell did he knock up Wanda?
Ask that question again, knowing what you now know about Wanda. No, seriously. She altered reality so Vision was able to make her pregnant. Except they weren't really her kids, they were actually magical creations of Wanda, taken over by Master Pandemonium! Ah, John Byrne, where would we be without you?
18) Will people think that Wanda is actually having a bowel movement on that first page? 'Cause... um... I did.
I'm lucky that I didn't, because if you read it again knowing that Wanda is having a bowel movement...
19) Does Colossus actually do anything in this issue?
Colossus spends the entire issue mourning the loss of his "little snowflake", saying random words in Russian, painting and throwing Wolverine around the room a bit.
20) Now, the Magneto in this, is he Xorn, not Xorn, or Xorn's brother Xorn impersonating Magneto pretending to be Xorn to infiltrate the X-Men for some vague reason involving disintegrator communion wafers and mutant werewolves?
My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Magneto and Xorn together at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.
Discuss this article in our forum.
Read 20-Odd Questions: Villains United
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 AM
Having a Great Idea
by Gary Walters
(All characters herein referenced are the explicit property of Gary Walters and Walters Comics Limited, LLC and may not be used, copied, or referenced without explicit permission of the companies President and CEO.)
Since becoming a comics pro, one of the many questions I get asked the most is "Where do you get your ideas from?" It's a common question that creative people get asked, but a hard one to answer. Where do we get our ideas? Do we pull them out of some imaginary land of ideas like a professional comic book writer such as Alan Moore believes? Or does it take time and hard work to think up a good idea, like other writers believes?
Moore's idea, while intriguing (and explaining why he also had the same idea as me of taking public domain characters and putting them in a superteam!), ultimately means that the creator is not in charge of their gifts. If they have any gifts at all. Moore's idea of the imagination is like a candy store, wherein creative people buy (or steal, as the case may be) ideas from a rack. And if you both grab the same idea, oh well. Sorry, that's not the way it works. In America we have something called copyright protection. And you better beleive that if you steal my idea, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. In other words, I'll sue you.
I, however, believe that creators create ideas from their own (unshared) imagination. They think up a good idea, expand it, and then create it. The process can be hard to explain to a non-creative type person. Let me illustrate my creative process by explaining the character that I created and copyrighted/trademarked and hope to bring soon to a comic shop near you and too Previews.
So here is the "background" for my supernatural character, "Even Steven":
Steven Humphries was your average high school kid. Did fine in school, had some buddies. Liked to write. The ladies might not have realized yet what a great catch he was, but that was sure to change if he just kept "introducing himself and being friendly" as his mother would say to him on Friday nights. He was sometimes picked on by the troglodites who couldn't appreciate those who loved write and express themselves and instead had to bully those guys who's creativity secretly made them feel inferior.
Then one night, through a horrific accident, Steven is transformed into a dark avenger of the night. Throught the terrible accident, he gained power over darkness. He can move through shadows and project darkness into shapes and forms that he can use to attack enemies. Disfigured resulting from his tragic accident, his entire body is wrapped in bandages, like a mummy, save for his two red glowing ruby eyes. He also wears a high school jacket and jeans allowing hims to walk among people almost unnoticed at night. Living now in the ceiling and basement of his high school, he fights the school's surprising number of supernatural evils and fighting for the downtrodden and bullied. If things get bad, just call his name three times three times into a mirror and he will set things right.
So, where did this idea come from? I don't know. I was looking through my old high school yearbook one night and it just popped in my head. I fleshed it out the next day during downtime at work. And made Steven a more realistic teenage hero. One that could speak to kids and be a champion for them and a hero/role model. I thought that was important. Kids need heroes and male role models. Especially in our modern society where many kids are raised by single mothers and have fathers that are deadbeats who only send them a card once a year on their birthday.
So, there, you have it. You might believe the theory that ideas come from Alan Moore's Ideaplace or you may beleive the reality that ideas come from creators. When an idea for an exciting, marketeable character comes to a comic book writer, it's exciting and they can't wait to share it with you, their readers. In my next column, tentatively entitled "Writing the Character you Wrote", I'll explore writing a comic script. How to format it, what computer programs you must own, and what you should do to put a final polish on it so it's ready for submission and pitches.
Read Volume 1, Issue 1 of The Tricks of Turning Pro.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
State of the NBA – Point Guard
by Mike Ducey
Over the past few NBA seasons defense has reigned supreme. The message that winning teams such as the Detroit Pistons and San Antonio Spurs have sent to the rest of the NBA is that defensive prowess wins championships. Sure, offense led to the Lakers’ success in the early 2000s, not their ability to stop anybody. But that was thanks to the 2-headed Shaq/Kobe monster, not to a superior offensive game plan. When you have two of the top 5 offensive players in the league you SHOULD win with regularity, plain and simple.
But times they are a changin’. The slowed-down, grind-it-out “defensive rules” mindset may be in the best interest of a coach’s blood pressure but your average fan wants to be rewarded with well-executed fast breaks and high-flying dunks when they tune into a game.
The fans want this.
This past season more teams put an emphasis on running the ball to create easier, and more frequent, baskets. We finally began to see superior athletes of the NBA in a position where they can use their gifts to their utmost advantage.
Some coaches are slow to embrace a fast-paced style of offense because pushing the ball with regularity can lead to sloppier play and more turnovers. In most scenarios a team’s point guard has the responsibility of initiating the offense, no matter what the game plan is. Any team that employs a point guard who is prone to making mistakes or is not the best decision maker is likely to shoot themselves in the foot all too often, particularly on a team that stresses the fast break.
And more and more teams are making the fast break the norm largely because the NBA has gotten younger and more athletic overall. However superior athletic talent does not always translate into wins, particularly if a team does not have a reliable player manning the point guard position.
The number of quality point guards in the NBA is rising these days. There are a handful of reliable veterans running teams but a group of young point guards is finally starting to shine, and there’s another wave of quality young point guards right behind them who are nearly ready to take over the reigns on their respective teams as well.
Below is a breakdown of NBA Point Guards by “style” of play. Keep in mind that most players are not one-dimensional and exhibit a variety of strengths and weaknesses, but for the purpose of this analysis the tendencies of any player is the key.
The “Classic” Point Guard
These point guards understand it is their responsibility to set up plays and find the best available shot for their teams. Most of the time they are looking up the floor as soon as they get the ball, hoping for an easy bucket. However each is smart enough to slow it down and get their team into a half-court offensive set if nothing is there. Most are not a liability shooting the ball; they’re talented enough offensively in their own right.
You want one of these guys on your team when you go shoot hoops at the Y, plain and simple.
The best examples of these players are wily veterans, such as New Jersey’s Jason Kidd and Phoenix’s MVP Steve “Graham” Nash. Both can put the ball in the basket but their greatest assets are their court vision and passing ability. Kidd and Nash mentally pick apart defenses. They know where their teammates are at all times. They also know where and when their teammates like to receive the ball. Both are very quick and can beat a defensive player off the dribble for 2 or to kick it back out to a teammate for an open look. Nash has the more consistent jump shot of the two, but if you play Kidd for the pass only he can hurt you by scoring the ball as well.
When Healthy, Jason Kidd remains the best point guard in the NBA.
Over the last few seasons there have only been a handful of reliable “old-school” style point guards, but that number is growing. Some, such as Denver’s Andre Miller and Boston’s Gary Payton, fly under the radar because they’re not all that flashy, but they get the job done night in night out.
To be fair to the “Glove” there was a time when he was one of the flashier players in the league on both offense and defense, but those days are behind him. Nowadays GP’s best games are not necessarily reflected in the box scores because decision-making can’t always be quantified.
The key for the Celtics is that GP is an excellent mentor for young hopefuls Marcus Banks and Delonte West. If Banks and West could be combined into one player you’d have a pretty solid point guard on your hands. Unfortunately on their own each has pretty glaring weaknesses. Banks is one of the fastest players in the league, an attribute which actually hurts him at times. Banks lets his speed get the best of him and often plays out of control. He can beat nearly anyone off the dribble but has trouble finishing at the basket as well as kicking the ball out to teammates. Conversely West is mature beyond his years. While he has not shown superior passing skills he is a good decision maker and gets the ball to where it needs to be. West's jumpshot is deadly when he is left open. However West is not as fast or athletic a Banks. When opposing teams are familiarized with his game they will get right up in his face to take away his jumper because nobody will be afraid of getting beaten off the dribble by him.
Payton’s place on this roster is paramount to the development of these kids. The difference between watching GP run the point compared to the last few excuses for point guards the Celtics have trotted out there is night and day (except for Chauncey Billups of course, but thinking about the fact that we let him walk for no apparent reason makes my eye twitch. Thanks Rick Pitino. Now Chauncey Billups and Joe Johnson aren’t “walking through that door” either. Can we talk about something else?).
Tony Parker has molded his game to fit in with his team, and in doing so has become one of the better players at the position. Parker and backcourt mate Manu Ginoboli would love nothing more than to get out and run at every possible opportunity but both understand that their team’s success is contingent upon running the offense through Tim Duncan in the post. Parker is still very young and early on in his career it appeared that his game could suffer because of San Antonio’s slow-paced half-court offensive style. But this season Parker has showed that his offensive traits can mesh nicely with Duncan’s, rather than hindering them.
I feel obliged to include Brevin Knight here, who finished the season 2nd in the NBA in assists per game behind the aforementioned Nash. Knight has done a very solid job serving as a leader on a young expansion team, but other than setting up his teammates Knight doesn’t bring much to the table. He is a stop-gap for a young, inexperienced team, nothing more.
The “I” in “Team”
And then you have your anti-Brevin Knights. Unfortunately there are a large number of point guards whose first instinct is to put the ball in the air. Some of these guys get a lot of hype because they have the ability to drop 30 points on a team on any given night, but most of the time it is to the detriment of their team.
Take the Knicks’ Stephon Marbury for example. Marbury is actually a pretty adept passer when he wants to be, as evidenced by the high number of assists he racks up (Marbury finished 4th in the NBA in assists per game at 8.1). However that statistic is misleading; it’s important to delve a little deeper when evaluating Starbury. Remember, tendency is the key here. Stephon looks for his own shot first nearly every time down the floor, and only passes the ball after he’s convinced that he can’t get a shot off. In game back on March 23 the Knicks soundly beat the Boston Celtics, and they did it with a balanced offensive attack (8 Knick players took between 6-12 shots in that game, and nobody took more than 12). Marbury had only 10 shot attempts and finished with a modest 12 points and 7 assists. That game serves as an example that teamwork, not individual statistics, wins ballgames. This is the lesson Marbury must take to heart.
Stephon Marbury loves the look of his own shot
The Knicks are a bad team, and while most of that has to do with Isiah Thomas’ ineptness as a General Manager, Marbury has to shoulder some of the blame. When a team’s best player is a selfish point guard it is destined for failure more often than not. Now, Marbury’s ability to score is certainly a major strength but his primary concern should be creating baskets for others. Of course, it would help if Isiah surrounded him with more talent instead of a roster full of under-sized power forwards, but that’s another column altogether.
Likewise, Golden State’s Baron Von Davis drives me crazy. The Baron is one of the better passers in the league…When he wants to be. Baron’s best games are when his own offense takes a backseat and he looks to push the ball and set up his teammates. Nobody throws a highlight-reel pass like the Baron, but for some reason most of the time he feels the need to jack 20 shots per game. After being traded to the Golden State Warriors Davis attempted 5 three-pointers or more in 15 of his 18 games. How many ill-advised 3’s will be flying through the air in Golden State once he becomes more comfortable on his new team?
It’s all too easy to rip Allen Iverson for his tendency to shoot first and pass second as well. However there’s no denying that Iverson is one of the best pure scorers in the league, and he averaged a career-high 7.9 assists per game to boot this season. In order to maximize his output AI must dominate the basketball, and while Philly didn’t exactly have a stellar season it’s hard to point the finger at Iverson, as he’s doing all that he can, as usual.
Steve Francis: Elegance!
Steve Francis is another example of a guy who plays a lot of minutes at the point but whose primary strength is scoring. Francis is not the best passer and does not possess the greatest court vision or decision-making skills. He drives coaches crazy because he’s too small to defend opposing shooting guards but offensively he’s best served at that position. Toward the end of the season the Orlando Magic experimented with Francis at the 2-guard, starting rookie point guard Jameer Nelson as his backcourt mate. But Nelson is also a better scorer than passer, so that is not going to resolve the problem. To get the most out of the “Franchise” the Magic need to bring a more conservative point guard into the mix, and build an offensive game plan around Francis.
There are plenty of other point guards who tend to shoot too much unnecessarily. Washington’s Gilbert Arenas has turned into a top tier point guard but he falls in love with his own jump shot all too regularly. The same can be said about Dallas’ Jason Terry, Portland’s Damon Stoudamire, Minnesota’s Troy Hudson and even Sacramento’s Mike Bibby (albeit to a lesser extent). All of these players have the ability to drop assists left and right but for one reason or another try to score on their own on too many possessions.
This is particularly frustrating on teams that have a number of quality offensive options that are neglected because of these poor decision makers. Jason Terry started the season backing up an untested rookie (Devin Harris) mainly because Terry had trouble at the point early on. When you’re on the floor with Dirk Nowitzki and Michael Finley passing needs to take precedence.
Troy Hudson has been a backup guard for most of his career, and in that role, as an offensive spark off the bench, he has flourished. But after being pressed into a starting role due to injuries he’s fizzled because he’s been exposed as nothing more than a glorified jump shooter.
It may be unfair to include Bibby in this group, for he is a heady player and makes good decisions. Also, during most of Bibby’s tenure with Sacramento the Kings have had a number of quality passers at other positions, such as bigmen Chris Webber and Brad Miller. With very good passing big men on the floor the Kings haven’t needed Bibby to be a “pass first” player. With Webber now battling Iverson for touches in Philly it will be interesting to see if Bibby can take on a more traditional point guard role in the future.
Part 2 of the State of the NBA will appear Friday, May 13th
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
Do you ever wish to engage in an act of violence? Just feel a...a tickle at the back of your brain where the barbarian part of your self cries out for violent release? Now, I am not a violent person. However, I do enjoy violent things as entertainment. Comics, movies, TV, games. I would never want to harm another human being and never would, unless it were an act of necessary self defense.
Yet I truly wish to someday put somebody else through a table.
OH MY GOD HE'S BROKEN IN HALF
Yes, I want that. I think I know how to do it, I mean I've watched pro wrestling. I have 'studied' it. I think I am able to comprehend the subtle nuances of crashing some fool through a table. Sure, pro wrestling is 'fake.' Whatever. Don't hate, appreciate. It's not 'fake,' no! It's...it's...prearranged. Yes.
But if you look at it in a certain way the concept of putting someone through a table seems solid enough and the method involved in putting someone through a table is straightforward. Here:
1) Pummel opponent.
That's some fine pummeling.
Self explanatory! Beatings come first! In pro wrestling, there are usually a series of suplexes and throws and grapples that weaken ones opponent before the table spot can be enacted...but I'm no wrestler. Suplexes are not my cup of tea, at least not unless I spend a little more time at the gym. And by a little, I mean a lot. But a series of sharp punches to the face or throat, a knee to the stomach, an elbow to the ribs: these all would be effective in weakening the opponent to the point where I would be able to lay him on a table, then put said opponent through aforementioned table. Simple, no?
No! For you see, I am not a trained fighter. Not at all. Aside from an elective class in karate I took when I was in college and some impromptu 'lessons' in judo from a friend of mine. Well, 'lesson' implies that I did this willingly, when he in fact would greet me by locking me in a chokehold and then choking me.
But the whole 'weakening my opponent' aspect of my plan...is the fatal flaw in my plan. Thankfully the world of professional wrestling allows a shortcut, which will help me save time. Not unlike a chef using the handheld blender instead of whisking his cream by hand, the right tool can be a life-saver!
You're gonna get it! Gonna GET it!
Yes, that's the stuff! Oh, sweet rapture! Again, sucka!
Oh NO, you're gonna forget your own birthday.
The metal folding chair is the right tool, indeed! Yes, while I'd be no good in a fistfight I think I'd be quite handy wielding a metal folding chair. Some sharp cracks to the noggin of my opponent, and kapow! His (hopefully massive)head injuries will leave him easy prey for me to lay him on a table and then put him through it.
2) But what kind of table? Well, any would do really. But the standard has always been to look underneath something, and usually there's a folding table there. I don't know why, especially as wrestling commentators usually sit at desks nowadays and not tables. But I digress. Just assume that one will be there if you look for one. Here we are!
Table.
Then I would lead my insensate-yet-mobile opponent gently to the table, where I would lay him upon it. And then the hardest part: actually putting him through the table.
See, the easiest method as I understand it involves getting up to a great height above ones opponent (I suppose at least 6 or 7 feet), and then leaping down upon the prone combatant. The other option is to pick up and then throw the opponent through the table, and let's face it: I got these skinny little arms. No powerbombing for me, unless it's a midget. And that would only be me, cheating myself. So jump, and land with a foot, knee, a leg, an elbow, or just your plain ol' torso and there you go! Right through the table. Boy howdy, that seems like fun. What a crazy rush that must be like, to soar through the air and utterly crush your opponent into the ground. Yeah, that sounds like some big, big fun!
FLY!
But then again, I am afraid of heights. Seriously, I can barely climb a ladder. How am I supposed to get myself up to like 12 feet off the ground and leap off and land on a guy, even if he is prone on a wooden table? And what if there is no way to elevate myself to that great height? What if I am trying to put this person through a table in an open field? Or on an airport runway? Or horror of horrors, what if there is no table to put that guy through?
There are many other fears that act as variables as well, most important being:
a) how badly would I cut myself on the shards of broken table. These tables are not made of chocolate.
But what if he was just playing possum? What if my opponent just chose to lay there, waiting for me to awkwardly climb up to a great height and then feebly try and leap upon him just to move at the last second? Then he would escape, and *I* would be the one being put through the table, and not the one doing the putting! Unacceptable.
c) In the real world, forcibly driving someone else through a table (even if they deserve it) would likely bring assault charges against me. This is probably illegal in civilized society. In the squared circle, anything goes as long as the ref doesn't see it, or if the match is over. So real world no, pro wrestling world yes...but I doubt I'll ever make it into that world. The world of pro wrestling where these skinny little arms are a hindrance as opposed to the world I live in now...where these skinny arms are a hindrance.
I suppose I will have to leave my dreams of putting someone through a table will just have to remain just that. A dream.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
By J. Brent Stewart
In last week's "Plastic Crack", we began the checklist of Marvel Minimates. So, let's get right back into the action with:
Series 3
- Ultimate Wolverine & Sabretooth
- Ultimate Logan & Storm
- Ultimate Cyclops & Jean Grey
- CHASE: Cyclops w/o Visor
Ultimate X-Men. Hooray. I mean, what? I don’t read these books. I don’t want to read these books. All I know is that the costumes are boring, and thus, make for boring action figures.
Still, my compulsion will lead me to get them all.
Chase was Cyke without his visor, with angry red eyes. Look out!
Series 4
- Maskless Spider-Man & Doctor Octopus
- Grab-line Spider-Man & Gwen Stacy
- Battle-damaged Daredevil & Bullseye
- CHASE: Maskless Daredevil
Not enough Spider-Man and Daredevil in your collection yet? Thankfully, AA was here to give you a few more.
Doctorpus, as I prefer to call him, has his neat tentacle things, and Gwen Stacy was another in the non-powered series, produced to flesh out Spidey’s universe. Now you have someone for your Green Goblin to toss off of the top of your bookshelf. At least that’s what I do with her.
Battle-damaged DD introduced what is now a very popular part of the line, being the “torn costume” motif. It’s actually pretty cool. Looks like Bullseye messed DD up but good. He comes with knives, which are good for stabbing Greek assassins.
Slobs.
The chase here was Maskless Daredevil, who actually has eerie blank eyes behind his glasses. It’s the little details like that that give the line so much zip!
Series 5
- Captain America & Absorbing Man
- Civilian Logan & Juggernaut
- Thing & Doctor Doom
- CHASE: Maskless Doctor Doom
At this point we have about five different Spider-Men, but only our first Cap. Luckily, he was worth the wait. The shield, the paint apps, the wings on his cowl; every bit is letter perfect, and makes for one of the best MM’s of the line.
Absorbing Man is a cool character choice and a nice figure, including his giant chain. Now if only we had a Thor for him to tussle with.
We also got our first (of several million) Things in this series, and a really cool Dr. Doom for him to fight with.
Juggernaut is another nice edition, but Wifebeater Wolverine has to be one of the lamest figures yet.
Sales! Sales!! SALES!!
The chase here was a Doom with scarred-up face. He seems unpleasant.
Series 6
- Iron Man & Ghost Rider
- New X-Men Wolverine & New X-Men Phoenix
- Gamma Ray Hulk & The Leader
- CHASE: Stealth Iron Man
Because you can never have too many Wolverine figures, AA gives us his gay bondage outfit…I mean, the gay bondage outfit that is even gayer than his normal gay bondage outfits. And Phoenix shows up in her equally unimpressive black outfit. The trench coat is kind of annoying and tends to make her head pop off.
Saving the day, however, are four GREAT MM’s: A kick-ass classic Iron Man, an even more kick-ass Ghost Rider (with translucent flame and chain), Leader (with big ol’ noggin), and a personal favorite, Gamma Ray Hulk, who is a recast of the previous Hulk in a translucent green plastic.
I’m a sucker for these “clear” figures.
Chase is a purple Stealth Iron Man, for when he’s hiding from Batroc the Leaper in a big barrel of grapes.
Series 7
- Chameleon & Ultimate Spider-Man
- Grey Hulk & Rhino
- Spider-Man 2099 & The Silver Surfer
- CHASE: Chameleon as J. Jonah Jameson
Fearing that we might be going through Spider-withdrawal, what with his absence from two complete waves (gasp!) AA got swingin’ again with Ultimate Spidey (i.e. Spidey with no web lines, perhaps the cheapest re-deco they could have conceived of), and the kinda cool Spider-Man 2099, which took the place of a proposed Thanos figure (that we’ve been promised will show up in a future wave.)
Silver Surfer was previously a Tower Records exclusive, and Gray Hulk/Ultimate Spidey were a con exclusive, I believe. AA must have been hard up for figures in this wave.
Chameleon is kinda bland, but his chase variant comes with a JJJ mask he can wear. I prefer to think that it’s actually JJJ’s face, which Cham is modeling Hannibal Lector style.
Series 8
- Mr. Fantastic & Torch
- Gaijin Wolverine II & Battle-scarred Thing
- Susan Richards & Powerhouse Thing
- CHASE: Invisible Woman
Aside from the avalanche of Things, this is one of the best waves yet. With lots of accessories and great paint apps, MM’s are kicking into high gear.
First off is Mr. Fantastic, who comes with two bendy arms that you can use to replace his old school black mitts. Human Torch comes with a great flying display stand and a jet of fire he can shoot from his hands!
Gaijin Wolvie is the fan favorite Brown Costume, at last. The body is repackaged from the Gaijin Wolvie/Mariko exclusive 2-pack, while his head seems to be a new sculpt.
Battle-scarred Thing is a neat idea for a re-deco, featuring his latter-day uniform, and fugly face from where he tussled with Wolverine. To cap it off, he even comes with the metal mask he wore afterwards! It’s the little details like that, which really make this line special.
Have you ever been worked on? By two guys who are hot for your...
Sue Storm comes with an invisible shield, and Powerhouse Thing has a new huge chest piece. I’m assuming we’ll see Hulk similarly reissued, and this new body sculpt used on new “big” figures.
One gripe is the new headpiece they’re using on Thing. The first thing was PERFECT. This new thing looks strange, like he has big rocky sideburns. Go back to the old head!
The variant was the Invisible Woman, a clear version of the Sue figure.
Series 9
- Blade & Assault Punisher
- Patch & Lady Deathstrike
- New X-Men Cyclops & White Queen
- CHASE: Emma Frost
Blade appears to be an adaptation of his movie counterpart, rather than the classic comic look, but with still, I’ll take it. Assault Punisher looks to be the Marvel Knights version, with big trench coat and plenty of guns and knives. This makes up for the COMPLETE lack of weapons available in the exclusive Classic Punisher/battle-damaged Cap 2 pack from the summer cons.
Marvel Knights Punisher and Movie Blade. Fight to see which one can make to crappiest movie! Go!
Patch and Lady Deathstrike…what can I say except “meh”? More Wolverines. Will it ever stop? I hereby predict that we’ll get the other Patch costume (the blue bodysuit), the Fang costume, and probably a battle-damaged costume, before all is said and done.
White Queen comes in regular and frosty variant editions. Oddly, her “sexiness” doesn’t translate in block figure form. Who knew?
See? She is not sexy.
Next week we'll finish up Marvel Minimates with a list of the exclusives and some of the packaging variations. We'll also address...DC MINIMATES (C3!)
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
by Ryan Higgins and the Your Mom's Basement staff
Villains United. It could change the face of the DCU. But there's a lot of books that may well do that as well. This may have already sold out, but is it really worth the hype? We had a group of slavering fanboys ask Our Favorite Retailer Ryan Higgins 20-odd questions about the soon-to-be released comic book.
Do any of the JLA appear in this?
This book is front to back villains, baby! From the biggest names to the people you never even heard of! Mr. Freeze, Calculator, Shadow Thief, Cheetah, Felix Faust, Fadeaway Man, Black Manta, Multiplex, Gentleman Ghost, Body Doubles, HIVE, Skorpio and more!
Well, there is that bit about Arsenal's kid having a small explosive device injected into her...
Do the villains unite to stop the giant Superman/Batman robot?
Actually, no, because the Composite Superman/Batman Robot was destroyed in Superman/Batman #6. Luthor does, however, get the new Toyman to build them a new secret hideout; the Composite Lex Luthor/Joker Spaceship! Look for the Villains United line from DC Direct this winter to include it as their first ever vehicle.
What does Luthor's Kryptonite Infinity Gauntlet have to do with any of this?
Lex plans on killing half the population of the universe with the K-I Gauntlet, thereby gaining the love and respect of Sandman's sister, Death.
Bling!
Is there any sexing?
That's for Calculator to know and Dr. Psycho to find out!
I wrote a song about Villains United set to the tune of Reunited by Peaches and Herb. Do you want to hear it?
Let me tell you a funny story about Peaches and Herb. I used to work at an indy record store, and this one time this guy came into the store. He looked like the mafia version of Antonio Banderas. He walks up to the counter, one hand in his inside jacket pocket, leans over the counter and asks, "Hola, excuse me. Do you have any..." as he looks around, "Peaches and Herb?"
That, my friends, was the only time we ever sold a Peaches and Herb CD.
So, in short, yes, I'd love to hear it.
Does Jericho appear in any way to aid or hinder Deathstroke?
This guy?
Fro!
No. God no. Thankfully, I think he's finally dead-dead after Johns early issues of Teen Titans.
Is Deathstroke like wickedly awesome or is he only radically cool in it?
Anyone that knows anything about Deathstroke knows that there are three facts about him:
1. Deathstroke is a mammal.
2. Deathstroke fights ALL the time.
3. The purpose of Deathstroke is to flip out and kill people.
Deathstroke can kill anyone he wants! Deathstroke cuts off heads ALL the time and doesn't even think twice about it. This guy is so crazy and awesome that he flips out ALL the time. I heard that Deathstroke who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Deathstroke killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw Deathstroke totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
Do the priest or Captain Moustache from Azz/Lee's Superman run show up?
Never bring that run up again.
Does Dr. Light show up again?
Nope. He does show up during a meeting with them in Countdown To Infinite Crisis and tells them about how he's had his mind messed with, but that's about it. We'll see what his role in all of this as time goes on, I assume.
Remember me? The kewl mid-90's, improved Dr. Light? DC sure doesn't!!
Why is Dr. Psycho a member of the Society? He's hardly on the same power level as Lex Luthor.
Well, Greg Rucka has been using him a lot these last few years in Wonder Woman, so it was pretty obvious that he'd be in this book. Besides, every team has to have a person who can mess with people's heads. He's the Emma Frost of the Society.
What's the deal with the Parademon?
He's from Apokolips.
Did you know that there is no word for "foliage" in any language on Apokolips?
Why is Luthor working with Talia after she bled his company dry?
...um, well, you see. Remember that book where Lex Lu-OH MY GOD IS THAT BENDIS WRITING A BOOK WITHOUT SPIDER-MAN, WOLVERINE, LUKE CAGE OR SPIDER-WOMAN IN IT?!?
*runs out the door*
What's Catman all about? Is he the same Catman who appeared in Metzler's Green Arrow?
It is indeed the same Catman from Metzler's run. Not unlike Animal Man in Morrison's run on the title, Catman seems to have undergone a transformation into a protector of animals. The Society finds him in the Medikwe Game Preserve (although Google seems to thinks it's "Madikwe Game Preserve". Stupid Google! Like you'd know!) in South Africa, protecting lions from the poachers that hunt them. As the first to turn down Luthor and his group, the Society feels that if a nobody like Catman will turn them down, then every other villain will laugh at them and nobody will respect them. Big mistake, Catman...
The Villains involved all have differing motives and personalities. What is it that keeps them united?
The heroes. Protection against what they did to Dr. Light and other villains.
"I'm telling you, change is coming whether you like it or not. It's...it's like a new ice age. The slow and the rigid--they are going to be left behind. Out in the cold."
Do we get any Bizarro?
GOODBYE! YES! ME AM IN ALL 22 PAGES OF CRAPPY MARVEL COMIC! ME AM HAPPY OVER THE LIVING OF FIDDLER WHEN HE DOESN'T GET SHOT IN THE HEAD BY DEATHSTROKE! THAT MAKE BIZARRO HAPPY! ME AM ALSO NOT TELL YOU OF SECRET PLAN BY LUTH HOR OF TURNING PEOPLE INTO BIZARRO'S AND CHEETAH'S! HELLO!
...so there you have it.
Based on the power levels of all the villains who are united, who would win in a fight between them and Unicron?
Clearly, the fans!
For reals: Villains United, the third in a series of four miniseries from DC Comics spinning out of Countdown To Infinite Crisis, is the strongest of the titles released so far. For months now, a powerful group of villians called only "The Society" have gathered together every costumed crook, scoundrel, rogue, criminal and thug for one purpose: To protect themselves against the so-called "heroes".
While heavily based in current DC continuity, it still reads alright on its own -- although if you haven't picked up the preceding stories such as Identity Crisis and Countdown, you'll be more than a little confused. However, if you're a fan of the previous comics, you will love Villains United.
As Lex Luthor and his Society (a throwback to the old Secret Society of Super Villains) bring together the villains of the DCU, another group led by the mysterious Mockingbird is formed to oppose the Society and the heroes. As the death toll rises while villains fight villains, and the heroes no longer trust each other, who can protect the world against 200 bad guys united together? We'll find out in Infinite Crisis, which ships in October.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 05:16 PM
by Jim Dandy
Now, I’m not often one to read too much into things (I got so mad at the people trying to read Randian subtext into the Incredibles), but Vic Ziegel’s column from the April 21st New York Daily News seems pretty ominous. It’s about the 1965 Yankees and their demise. After 9 pennants in 10 years, the 65 Yankees went right into the tank, finishing 77-85 and in 6th place in the AL East. Of course, that team was packed with stars— Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris, Whitey Ford, and Jim Bouton. So in Ziegel’s column, he pins the blame firmly on their manager, Johnny Keane. He spends the last half of the column lamenting Keane’s managerial style, and why it led to the demise of the last great Yankees dynasty, and draws a comparison to the 2005 Yankees with his last paragraph. And you couldn’t have seen it coming any better if Ziegel actually spelled it out for you.
Joe Torre, I will most certainly miss you. Someone’s got to take the fall for Yankee ineptitude in the last five years (oh, how I and every other non-Yankees fan in the WORLD would adore having a matching record of “failure”). The Boss is getting old, you see. He wants one last title before he dies. Kenny Lofton, with his forty something years and .275 batting average, is your leadoff hitter? Do you know how much the Yankees paid for him? Jason Giambi has a mysterious ailment on his pituitary gland? They had no way of knowing he was a raging juicer. Tom Gordon doesn’t have the mental makeup to pitch big innings for New York? Have you SEEN what he did with other teams? Alex Rodriguez is a clubhouse cancer that pads his numbers against crappy teams? Look at his numbers!
Torre’s going down because of the nonsensical signings of the past five years, five years of wasteful spending, crappy drafts, and terrible, terrible free agent acquisitions. The fact that they managed to make it as far as they did in the playoffs every year is a testament to his skill as a manager and to the quality of the core players they had left after people started retiring or leaving.
The Yankees won 4 World Series in 5 years, and have made the playoffs every year since 1995. Their run as world champs was made with home grown players, guys who came up through the Yankees farm system and bled pinstripes, along with a couple of quality character free agent signings. When you look at the 2005 Yankees lineup, do you see a character guy like Scott Brosius? Do you see a guy who hustles his ass off like Paul O’Neil? Do you see a guy with a mind for the game like Joe Girardi? No. You see a guy like Jason Giambi, so pumped full of steroids he’s going to pop. You see a prima donna like Alex Rodriguez, too busy making sure his purple lipstick is evenly applied to actually, you know, hit. At least when it counts. You see a guy like Jaret Wright with more shoulder problems than wins, but who they overpaid because they freaked out, had no one left to trade, and didn’t have any kids to bring up who could do anything.
It might seem like I’m laying the blame for their failure to win it all at the feet of Brian Cashman, the Yankees general manager. It couldn’t be further from the truth. Cashman was the architect of those World Series champions, guiding Yankees fans out of the desert of the 80s with smart drafts and quality free agent signings. He’s a great executive who has unfortunately (for the Yankees, certainly not for any other baseball fans, though) been gently nudged out of any significant decision making capacity by Randy “Pigvomit” Levine, Yankees President and Minister of Propaganda and National Enlightenment, and by Steinbrenner’s impatience.
Let’s talk about Pigvomit for a second. Here’s a guy who, when he sneezes, little chunks of Steinbrennerturd fly out of his nose. He’s the official mouthpiece (HA!) of the Yankees, the guy you saw (for those of you who don’t like the Sawx or the Yankees) on ESPN decrying the security situation at Fenway after the Pedro-Zimmer throwdown like it was a damn prison riot. He’s the genius who, last year, when the Devil Rays were stuck in Florida because of a hurricane, demanded a forfeit, knowing the Sawx were creeping up on them. He’s also primarily a businessman, and coincidentally, he became team president the same year the Yanks won their last World Series.
He’s Iago to Steinbrenner’s Othello, if Othello was a loudmouthed, self-important ass who was banned from baseball for illegal campaign contributions to Nixon’s reelection.
"Really, we're an entertainment company - and a baseball team,” sayeth Pigvomit in a Daily News article this past February 12. Says a lot. They’re an entertainment company first. You know what that means? Beltran Carlos Beltran won’t sell as many jerseys as Randy Johnson. So even though Carlos Beltran would have helped the team more, even though Cashman’s telling Steinbrenner that they need Beltran more, they went and got Randy Johnson. Jason Giambi will bring in more endorsement money than Tino Martinez, so they have to deal with Giambi popping and splattering blood and artificial testosterone all over the clubhouse. Alex Rodriguez will be a hit on Madison Avenue! Nevermind that he won’t fly on 161st Street, or the adoration he will garner in Staten Island.
The Yankees suck now, and will suck for a long time, because Pigvomit’s not letting them be run as a baseball team. He’s in for a nice treat after 2 or 3 years of losing.
The fact of the matter is Joe Torre’s a fantastic manager. He’s got a great mind for the game, great instincts, and is one of the classiest men to ever put on a Yankees uniform. He manages with dignity and respect for the game, and it tells you something that in his first game back from prostate cancer treatment, he got a standing ovation from the Boston crowd. He deserves to go into the Hall of Fame for what he’s done with this team, and for putting up with the Boss’ crap for 10 years. And fortunately for him, he’s not going to have to put up with it for much longer. He’ll get to leave Pigvomit to wallow in the filth he’s created.
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 12:00 PM
How I Decided to Become a Comic Professional
by Gary Walters
Hey! You don't know me! Well, some of you do, but not enough of you do, LOL.
I've been bumping around the comic cosmos now for a few years, writing a story here or there. Doing some illustrating there or here. But I'm commited recently to become a real comic book pro. And I'm going to chronacle that journey to professional comic book writer here, at Your Mom's Basement.
So, here, in this first installment of this column, let me tell you a little about myself:
Before becoming a comic book professional a few months ago, I had the same boring kind of job that you likely have. And hate. I hated mine. Hated it so much I quit. Quite to pursue my dream. My dream of finally being a comic professional. In the comic book business.
I had been working for the last year at a local parking garage. Working the booth, doing security, taking tickets, making change. It was a boring job, but in between rush hours it gave me time to read comics, draw, and write down ideas. It was one such idea that convinced me to make a go of it in the comic business full time. More on that in my next column, tentatively entitled "One Good Idea". After I realized I had an idea for a comic book character that I could make a go of it with, the job, which didn't hold my interest to begin with, held it even less so.
So one Wednesday, after returning back late from getting my weekly comic book fix, and having my boss yell at me for not being in the booth right at 3 o'clock, I decided I had had it. Really, I feel bad for people like my boss. Non-creative types never understand creative people. Our needs to create. To have time for self-expression. Fifteen minutes late! I was fifteen minutes late. He didn't know why I was late. He just started yelling. Maybe I was in a fit of creative passion and could not be disturbed. Maybe I was needing a moment for introspection, he didn't know. We creative-types are special in this lonely world, and they just don't get it. And we don't need those types pulling us down, tearing away at our gifts that are meant to be shared with the world. I was so angry at his narrow-mindedness, that I knew as he yelled, that the time had come. I needed to seize this moment. For the time to pursue my dreams had finally come. And, a month and a half later, I quit.
So there I was, a newly unemployed comic book professional. Ready to take on the world! Luckily I had used my time in lousy-car-garage-hell wisely and took a community college class in writing the previous winter.
I think "lousy-car-garage-hell" is the secret, hidden level of hell in Shakespeare's "The Inferno", LOL. But seriously, taking a writing course is the best way to get the experience necessary to become a professional writer. There are even loans you can take out to pay for the class, so you don't have to pay for it at all. I learned a lot of helpful writing techniques and ways to "break through" writer's block. Which I get a lot. I learned so much and it really increased my confedence in my ability to write well. And once it was over I emailed the teacher and he said that if I had completed the class he thinks I would have gotten a "b".
It's been an exciting couple of months since joining the ranks of comicdom. I've gotten to know a few of my peers and they've been very supportive with their advice. I don't want to drop names, but some have even said that I should be sure to say "hi" when I see them at the next con, or convention. And don't think I wouldn't. This is a hard industry to break into with a career. And I know it. I'll have to use every advantage I have, leverage every possibility, and borrow every chance. One of my first goals will be to network at conventions this year with the connections I've made online. I've talked to many a professional, and I hope they will recognize my name from my postings on their messageboards. That's the foot in the door. Then once I can get them my pitch, that's me opening the door wider. Making the dream happen. Seizing that moment from so many months ago that presented itself to grab. And once that door is open, you just have to walk through it, and then you're the professional comic book writer of your dreams.
So, this column will be the chronacle of my career breaking into the comic book business. I'll relate tips for how I've made it, explain my creative process, and let you know about my upcoming projects (lots of stuff in the works that I can't talk about yet). Please join me on my journey, won't you?
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 11:59 AM
Plastic Crack : Minimates by Art Asylum
by J. Brent Stewart
The Fantastically Tiny Four.
I can’t recall where I first happened upon the phrase (likely on some toy geek message board at the dark end of the internet), but when I first heard Minimates described as “little, plastic crack,” I knew that gold had been struck.
Cheap. Small. Addictive.
Plastic crack.
I’ve been a fan of the super-deformed trend of Japanese toy makers for quite some time, as they began offering up shrunken, dwarf-like, “cute” versions of several popular cartoon and toy stars. As Japan is rather overcrowded, the effort to conserve space has lead to the increased micro sizing of toys and collectibles. You can fit an entire collection of mini-figures on a shelf that would normally only hold three or four larger figures.
The culmination of this effort came in the form of Medicom’s “Kubrick” series, which offered small (around 3 inches or less), semi-articulated and highly stylized figures of product lines as diverse as Planet of the Apes, Kamen Rider, Blair Witch Project, Reservoir Dogs, etc. The figures seemed to be the slightly larger and infinitely cooler siblings of Lego minifigs.
For years, the only way you could track this stuff down was at genre conventions. Then came the advent of the Internet, which brought with it the import toyshops, and of course, eBay.
For comparison: A shiny quarter, Silver Surfer mini-mate, Boba Fett mini-fig, Reservoir Dogs Kubrick, and LOTR Boromir Large Mini-mate
The influx of Japanese toys, and the Japanese stylization of American toys, has been building slowly since the early 80’s, much like in the realm of television animation. And when the dam in that world broke in the mid/late 90’s, (thanks largely to the success of “Pokemon”) the dam similarly broke in the world of toys.
It was only a matter of time before American companies started their own form of “cute” figures, to capitalize on the demand for imported Kubrick-style figures. Soon, licenses were being nailed down left and right.
Art Asylum threw its hat into the ring with “Minimates”. The figures were about 3 inches tall, but packed in an amazing amount of articulation (generally 14 points), as well as fun accessories.
However, their early licenses (Star Trek, Crouching Tiger, rock stars, KISS) were not enough to make me bite.
Then came the Marvel License.
Anatomy of a Marvel Mini-mate
In the beginning I was put off by the character selection. I’m not a current reader of Marvel comics, and wasn’t a fan of the costume designs used in the “Ultimate” line. And at the time, the “Daredevil” flick was leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
The first few waves of Marvel Minimates were composed largely of “Daredevil” characters, and, blech, Ultimate X-Men.
So it was that I passed on many of these figures time and again. I can distinctly remember going to a local Meijers and seeing the “variant” Black Elektra, Visor-less Cyclops, and Black Spider-Man figures hanging on the pegs…and I passed on them. At the time it didn’t seem like much, but now, of course, I’d like to kick myself in the ass with both legs at the same time.
Over the years I’ve collected many lines, but as I get older, and poorer, I’ve been scaling back, to the point where I really only collect two lines, DC Direct and Marvel Legends. (And trust me, that’s more than enough to keep me broke.)
So what was it that made me open up my heart and wallet to these little monsters?
Last summer while I was out of town on a trip to “the country”, I decided to stop by the Toys R Us in the nearest city, on the off chance that I might find something cool.
In the action figure aisle I found a TRU exclusive 4-packs of Minimates, priced attractively at $8.99!
One of the things that had kept me away from the MM’s was the fact that 2-packs, at most shops, ran around $7.
But four figures for $9? I could do that.
And the figure that sold me on the set? Green Goblin!
I took the pack back to the little place by the river, and opened it up. The tiny figures were so colorful, so poseable, and had such fun accessories and expressions…I found myself making the 45 minute drive back to that nearest town to get the other four packs.
And so, not even a year later, I’ve become a full-time, fully hooked, completely unapologetic Minimate addict.
My collection now numbers nearly 100, and I’m only missing a few of the variants.
Ah, yes, the variants.
As if these tiny creatures weren’t compulsively collectible enough, Art Asylum has upped the ante by including a “variant” chaser at one per case.
For the most part, I’ve lucked out at finding the variants on the racks. Maskless Daredevil, Chameleon as J. Jonah Jameson, etc.
But the others…the others have been a pain in the ass.
UNMASKED DAREDEVIL & J. JONAH JAMESON/CHAMELEON VARIANT CHASE FIGURES
And let’s not forget the other twist in the MM’s tale: Exclusives!
Yes, in the past year, Art Asylum has worked with partners as diverse as Wizard, Action Figure Express, and Tower Records to bring us several great exclusive figures…at varying prices.
EXCLUSIVES: AFX EXCL. SILVER CENTURION IRON MAN & ORIGINAL IRON MAN, WIZARD TOYFARE EXCL. POWER-MAN AND IRON FIST, TOWER RECORDS EXCL. SUPER SKRULL & CLASSIC THING
And yet, I MUST HAVE THEM.
So now, I present a needlessly obsessive checklist of the Marvel Minimates!
Take note, I myself am an “opener”, and give not two shits about “mint on card”, but I will include notes on the various carded variations of the figures. When the line began, they were issued in bubble-carded two packs and single cards, but later switched to the cardboard boxes with trays that they’re still using today, which take up much less space.
I personally don’t collect the different packaging variations. Once I have one version of the figure, loose, to display, that’s all I need. However, many people do keep them MOC (and are really missing out, considering how playable these things are) so I’m including the whole list.
Series 1
- Daredevil Red & Kingpin
- Daredevil Yellow & Elektra Red
- Hulk Green & Bruce Banner
- CHASE: Elektra (Black)
I’m assuming that this initial lineup was meant to coincide with the crappy Affleck “Daredevil” flick, though no Bullseye is included.
Daredevil is a nice figure, including his billy club. Elektra comes with her Sais, which can be difficult to keep in her hands. Hulk is, well, Hulk. And Bruce Banner, initially my pick for “Why Would They Make a Toy of This Guy?”, is now a favorite.
One of the hallmarks of the MM line is the fact that they make so many “civilian” figures, like Banner, Mariko, Mary Jane, etc. It adds depth to the line that you’re unlikely to ever see in any other series of superhero action figures. I can’t imagine we’ll be seeing a Marvel Legends Aunt May anytime soon, but it doesn’t seem so out of the question for MM’s.
The chase in this series was Elektra in a black outfit. I remember a white outfit, but when did she ever wear black? Don’t answer that. I don’t actually care.
Series 2
- Spider-Man/Peter Parker & Green Goblin
- Spider-Man & Carnage
- Battle-Damaged Spider-Man & Venom
- CHASE: Spider-Man (Black)
With this wave we saw the beginning of MM’s obsession with Spider-Man. At this point I think I’ve got 10 or more variations on the character, AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING! I mean, sure, Spidey is popular and all, but Jesus!
The Spidey/PP split-body MM is one of my favorites, just for sheer strangeness. It perfectly captures those Ditko/Romita “Spidey Sense” panels…in cute plastic form.
Green Goblin is awesome, the only drawback being the lack of Goblin Glider, which I actually believe has something to do with Marvel’s Contract with AA. They’re not allowed to make “vehicles” for the figures. Marvel, as always, can eat a dick.
Carnage and Venom suffer from the fact that they are Carnage and Venom, and as such, are doomed to suck. Venom comes with a “long tongue” variation that is pretty hilarious in its own right.
The chaser here was a cool Mike Zeck black costume Spidey.
THE MANY SPIDER-MEN OF MARVEL MINIMATES.
Stay tuned for the next two installments of Plastic Crack, which will complete the Marvel Minimate checklist, as well as contain a few other treats!
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 11:58 AM
This scene? Never happens within the film.
Red Dawn? Yes, of course there is. But also not. You'll see.
For one, this was the first movie ever released with the rating of 'PG-13.' That's historical fact. After PG-rated films such as Raiders of the Last Arc and Gremlins came out and pissed off the 'rents with their graphic violence, the MPAA came up with the PG-13 rating in an attempt to shut up the parents groups who were interrupting their money-counting. So Red Dawn was granted this new, unproven rating as it was quite the violent movie. In fact per IMDB.com, "This film was entered into the Guinness Book of Records as having the most acts of violence of any film up to that time." Can't front on that. Despite the new, unproven rating Red Dawn took 8 million dollars on its opening day. Sounds like not a lot now, but in 1984 that was still some serious cheddar.
Plot:
The dirty, evil Commies invade America via the Bering Strait and Mexico! Colorado is lost, >and only a group of 8 plucky and patriotic teens could save the country from the Red Menace!
I was perhaps ten when I saw this, in Reagan's America. Cold War paranoia was still going strong. The old coot referred to the Russians as the 'Evil Empire,' and as a kid who's earliest memories include both the Empire and Doctor Doom as my personal definition of evil...lets put it this way: I did not like the 'Commies.' I feared them.
This movie scared the living shit out of me when I was a lad. Images of Russian and Cuban soldiers parachuting down into a small town in Colorado scared the figurative bejesus out of me. I mean, what if this had happened to us? Images of the evil forces of communism parachuting down into Boston filled my head, leaving me to plan (well, daydream) contingency plans to defend myself and my family from the Red Menace. This movie grabbed me by the brain and shook me. How could America withstand such a threat?!
Ah, but how could I (or the dirty commies) forget the high school football team? WOLVERIIIIIIINES!
Cleancut 'Mericans!
Yes, armed with hunting rifles, hunting bows, and then eventually stolen Russian AK-47's (the'in' assault weapon of the 80's-sorry M-16, you're old news) and rocket launchers, the former small town football heroes team up and form a well-organized guerilla unit that takes to the hills of suburban Colorado to take it to those nasty commies. And guess what! They win! In that they get whittled down one by one, ultimately dying on a swingset! And still, their noble battle cry makes my spirit soar! WOLVERIIIIIIINES!!
And the cast. Oh, that cast. It is not unlike a poor man's 'The Outsiders.' You have your Patrick Swayze AND Jennifer Grey several years before they would heat up the screen in Dirty Dancing. Okay, there's a little something-something for the ladies. Also Charlie Sheen, star of 'Two and a Half Men' and prostitute enthusiast. Lea 'Caroline in the City' Thompson, just a year before she hit it big as Marty's hot mom in Back to the Future.
I can barely see the Sheen
And you have your C. Thomas Howell. I concede that while I find this movie to be excellent for the most part (WOLVERIIIIIINES!!) his character part here...well, it went a little beyond his means. Because when you want somebody to effectively convey the horrors of war on a young man's heart and soul, you go with the babyfaced C. Thomas "Soul Man" Howell. I love when he gets all hardened and has to shoot his friend for turning traitor on the Wolverines. It's such an effective rendition of some Hollywood kid trying to act like a tough guy. And to complement the rest of the the cast as the movie takes a dramatic turn for the cheese: Powers Boothe shows up, as a renegade Air Force colonel. Powers Boothe is...well, he's Powers Boothe. Oscar caliber? Nay, my friends nay. His name is Powers.
And of course, Harry Dean Stanton as dad to Sheen and Swayze. You cannot front on Harry Dean Stanton. The guy's amazing, even in cheestacular right-wing terror fantasy films such as this one. Remembering his plaintive cries from the drive-in/internment camp where the evil Russians made the captive menfolk of this small town Colorado town watch Aleksandr Nevsky...oooh, that's good cheese. Good cheese. "AVENGE ME BOYS! AVENGE MEEEE!!" I am amazed and impressed that he managed to yell that with as straight a face as he did.
...not convinced?
Fair enough. There's a lot of cheese out there in the video tores and on Netflix, so I can understand how Red Dawn could be a hard sell to someone. I mean: I love it, but I also love a lot of ludicrous stuff. You do too. Somewhere on this very website is someone who can and will defend Hudson Hawk as a quality film, and try to find a way to convince others that it had some sort of bullshit serious societal impact on popular culture as a whole. Ahh, but peep this:
QUOTE(Amazon.com)
But if you can get beyond that tactical hurdle, the backyard war against Communism is irresistable to the Conservative heart. As long as somewhere in the land, a truckdriver is at rest in his sleeper cab, one hand on his 9mm Glock and the other on his remote pressing "play" for the Red Dawn DVD in his mini-TV, America is safe.
A user review from Amazon.com, your best stop for slightly sketchy movie reviews. Note to self: do not piss off truckers. Another one:
QUOTE(Amazon.com)
As someone who graduated from high school in 1984 I can tell you most in my generation loved this movie! It featured a great cast of rising stars and plenty of action. The cold war was at it's heighth and it sent a reassuring message that American bravery would win out over the commies!!! Red blooded Americans will love it...left-wingers will cringe and go watch a Warren Beatty film.
Hey buddy, step back! Dick Tracy was an underrated film! And Bulworth was surprisingly intelligent! Okay, one more crazyguy review:
QUOTE(Amazon.com)
If I had been able to choose any career, when I was a highschool student filling out career aptitude forms, my top 3 choices would have been:
1) AK 47 toting guerilla freedom fighter
2) AK 47 toting guerilla freedom fighter
and
3) AK 47 toting guerilla freedom fighter
Actual movie prop!
I mean, holy shit. Dude, that's messed up. And you want to know something similarly messed up? I sort of feel what he's saying. WOLVERIIIIINES!! When I was a kid, it was about battling evil, fighting for freedom; being a hero, being a good guy. There were many factors in my youth that formed my idea of what being a 'good guy' was, and Red Dawn...well it definitely played a part. This movie stuck with me, and it obviously stuck with these...interesting individuals. Moreso than with me - when I was in high school I wanted to be Spider-Man. Sadly, that job was taken.
This movie left an impression on me that still persists today. Both in a personal manner, as well as in the oh-so-valuable 'this movie's so cheesy it RULES' manner. So I say that in terms of 80's war movies: there is nothing better than 'Red Dawn.' Please feel free to disagree, and see if you can prove me wrong.
One last review quote to shed some light on the caliber of the reviewers of Amazon:
QUOTE(Amazon.com)
Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey do look really good in grubby, army-surplus commando gear. It raises the question, why don't more women don't occasionally toss on a beret or special forces sweater? I would think it would be a low cost way of supplementing a wardrobe and adding a little spice to casual outfits.
Teh hotness! OMG LOL!
He's Gene Shalit to my Roger Ebert.
...WOLVERIIIIIINES!!
Posted by YourMomsBasement at 11:57 AM
