Do you ever wish to engage in an act of violence? Just feel a...a tickle at the back of your brain where the barbarian part of your self cries out for violent release? Now, I am not a violent person. However, I do enjoy violent things as entertainment. Comics, movies, TV, games. I would never want to harm another human being and never would, unless it were an act of necessary self defense.

Yet I truly wish to someday put somebody else through a table.

OH MY GOD HE'S BROKEN IN HALF

Yes, I want that. I think I know how to do it, I mean I've watched pro wrestling. I have 'studied' it. I think I am able to comprehend the subtle nuances of crashing some fool through a table. Sure, pro wrestling is 'fake.' Whatever. Don't hate, appreciate. It's not 'fake,' no! It's...it's...prearranged. Yes.

But if you look at it in a certain way the concept of putting someone through a table seems solid enough and the method involved in putting someone through a table is straightforward. Here:

1) Pummel opponent.

That's some fine pummeling.

Self explanatory! Beatings come first! In pro wrestling, there are usually a series of suplexes and throws and grapples that weaken ones opponent before the table spot can be enacted...but I'm no wrestler. Suplexes are not my cup of tea, at least not unless I spend a little more time at the gym. And by a little, I mean a lot. But a series of sharp punches to the face or throat, a knee to the stomach, an elbow to the ribs: these all would be effective in weakening the opponent to the point where I would be able to lay him on a table, then put said opponent through aforementioned table. Simple, no?

No! For you see, I am not a trained fighter. Not at all. Aside from an elective class in karate I took when I was in college and some impromptu 'lessons' in judo from a friend of mine. Well, 'lesson' implies that I did this willingly, when he in fact would greet me by locking me in a chokehold and then choking me.

But the whole 'weakening my opponent' aspect of my plan...is the fatal flaw in my plan. Thankfully the world of professional wrestling allows a shortcut, which will help me save time. Not unlike a chef using the handheld blender instead of whisking his cream by hand, the right tool can be a life-saver!

You're gonna get it! Gonna GET it!

Yes, that's the stuff! Oh, sweet rapture! Again, sucka!

Oh NO, you're gonna forget your own birthday.

The metal folding chair is the right tool, indeed! Yes, while I'd be no good in a fistfight I think I'd be quite handy wielding a metal folding chair. Some sharp cracks to the noggin of my opponent, and kapow! His (hopefully massive)head injuries will leave him easy prey for me to lay him on a table and then put him through it.

2) But what kind of table? Well, any would do really. But the standard has always been to look underneath something, and usually there's a folding table there. I don't know why, especially as wrestling commentators usually sit at desks nowadays and not tables. But I digress. Just assume that one will be there if you look for one. Here we are!

Table.

Then I would lead my insensate-yet-mobile opponent gently to the table, where I would lay him upon it. And then the hardest part: actually putting him through the table.

See, the easiest method as I understand it involves getting up to a great height above ones opponent (I suppose at least 6 or 7 feet), and then leaping down upon the prone combatant. The other option is to pick up and then throw the opponent through the table, and let's face it: I got these skinny little arms. No powerbombing for me, unless it's a midget. And that would only be me, cheating myself. So jump, and land with a foot, knee, a leg, an elbow, or just your plain ol' torso and there you go! Right through the table. Boy howdy, that seems like fun. What a crazy rush that must be like, to soar through the air and utterly crush your opponent into the ground. Yeah, that sounds like some big, big fun!

FLY!

But then again, I am afraid of heights. Seriously, I can barely climb a ladder. How am I supposed to get myself up to like 12 feet off the ground and leap off and land on a guy, even if he is prone on a wooden table? And what if there is no way to elevate myself to that great height? What if I am trying to put this person through a table in an open field? Or on an airport runway? Or horror of horrors, what if there is no table to put that guy through?

There are many other fears that act as variables as well, most important being:

a) how badly would I cut myself on the shards of broken table. These tables are not made of chocolate.

But what if he was just playing possum? What if my opponent just chose to lay there, waiting for me to awkwardly climb up to a great height and then feebly try and leap upon him just to move at the last second? Then he would escape, and *I* would be the one being put through the table, and not the one doing the putting! Unacceptable.

c) In the real world, forcibly driving someone else through a table (even if they deserve it) would likely bring assault charges against me. This is probably illegal in civilized society. In the squared circle, anything goes as long as the ref doesn't see it, or if the match is over. So real world no, pro wrestling world yes...but I doubt I'll ever make it into that world. The world of pro wrestling where these skinny little arms are a hindrance as opposed to the world I live in now...where these skinny arms are a hindrance.

I suppose I will have to leave my dreams of putting someone through a table will just have to remain just that. A dream.